Neglecting Your Self-Care is Downright Selfish (and Here’s Why) Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the delightful Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker: hello Hello everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn: We’re talking today about self-care and Brie, I feel like you need it this week more than anybody else.

Brie Tucker: It has been a week. I’m just gonna breathe and be like, it has been a rough week. I feel like we all need this though. self-care is more than a freaking bubble bath. It’s more than just getting to go take a massage. but at the same time, so many of us struggle with this.

Like we think if we can get it is.

JoAnn Crohn: It seems like one more thing we have to do, like one more thing on our list. Is this, is it like one more thing? And this is like something that I think is so great about this discussion because one of the big things about self-care that you’re going to discover in this episode actually will give you more time.

Then be like that one more thing added on So that’s a little teaser like you want to create more time in your life and have self-care bam You gotta keep listening Because we’re gonna go into all the great stuff including Why it’s actually Selfish not to practice self-care, which I know

if it if it stings you a little

Brie Tucker: It’s true.

JoAnn Crohn: stings you a little bit if we hit a chord, keep listening

Brie Tucker: sometimes the truth hurts. That’s all I got to say.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s hit our court as well.

So on with the show,

Brie Tucker: so I just want to just say for this episode, we hear a lot from our audience of mostly moms that they feel like having time to do things for themselves is one, a luxury. Taking that time. It’s, it’s a luxury that I can’t afford either. They’re talking about it financially. Like I cannot afford to do things for myself or I can’t afford to take that time because there’s so much that has to be done with my family.

I have to do so much and it’s being selfish, me wanting to spend time on me. When my kids have extracurriculars they want to do when my husband wants to do XYZ it’s just being selfish I can’t put family resources towards me and I call BS

JoAnn Crohn: because here is where no guilt mom is different. And here’s why you being a no guilt mom is different too, because we don’t just do parenting. We actually have a totally different approach to parenting. Good self-care is being a good parent. And let me say that for you again. Good self-care is being a good parent.

That’s the trick

Brie Tucker: a little louder for

JoAnn Crohn: for the people in the back, back, back, back. I love that panic at the disco song. I could get singing that like any, if I have to do a speech anywhere and I have to pick a walkout song, it’s going to be that one it’s called sing it louder by panic at the disco. Go listen to it. You will not regret it.

Brandon Urie, his voice. Oh, amazing. Amazing. Amazing. But yes, good self-care is good parenting. Good parenting is good self-care. So there is no distinguishing between the two. It’s not you taking stuff out of your life. It’s not you taking time out of your life or taking anything away from your kids. It is being the best parent that you can possibly be.

That is self-care.

Brie Tucker: Well, yeah a lot of times if you are not giving self-care and that includes Kindness to yourself, but all of that in general, you are actually depleting what energy levels you have. And I’m talking about not just literally like energy to get up and go, but energy, like mental capacity, emotional capacity.

You’re depleting that and you’re actually making it harder for your loved ones because there’s less of you.

JoAnn Crohn: There is. And I think we actually need to define what self-care is when we talk about it because we’ve mentioned what it’s not. It’s not bubble baths. It’s not pedicures. It’s not manicures like that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about setting boundaries and protecting your own personal time.

talking about saying no. We’re talking about setting your priorities and your intentions so you don’t have to rush through things. We’re talking about all of those psychological safety mechanisms we can put in place around ourselves. So we’re not just the martyr, but we become the role model for our family.

Brie Tucker: so just curious for those naysayers, did you hear us say anything that costs money? Not

necessarily it doesn’t I mean it’s not necessarily taking resources away from your family and Trust me like the things that we have lined out for you guys in this episode. They are real They are legit and they

actually work.

JoAnn Crohn: And I want to actually push back against the money thing because the money thing, like just because something costs something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get it because money is a tool. It’s an investment. And if it will get you something faster and easier, please use it. usE the money. Yes.

You 2 shrimp upgrade friend. That’s one of our no guilt mom stickers. Use the

Brie Tucker: You are, of course, with inflation now, it’s like the 5 shrimp upgrade,

JoAnn Crohn: It’s like seven, 7 probably.

Brie Tucker: The point is still valid. You are worth it. You really are

JoAnn Crohn: You are

Brie Tucker: yeah, there’s been a lot of stuff going around on social media about like math, like mom, math, dad, math, dog, math. I like the dog math ones, but, there is mom math and I hear it all over, it goes in all different directions, but one that I heard that really made me sad was where this.

Mom was like mom math if I spend money, on myself Then it costs twice as much as what I spent but if I spend money on my kids, it’s actually free because it’s going towards my family

JoAnn Crohn: No. Oh.

Brie Tucker: Right, and that was and i’ve been in that mindset. I have been there I was there when you’re really struggling and you’re going from paycheck to paycheck and things are really tight you feel like The only thing you can spend money on are your kids because it makes them happy and it’s better for everybody overall But then what happens is you are depleted You are exhausted.

I’ve been the mom that walked around with holes in her clothes holes in her shoes But made sure that my kids had brand news of everything because I didn’t want them to feel like they were less than and what it did was cause so much stress so much mental load on me that I wasn’t there half the time, and then if I was, if they spilled, even a glass of water on the floor, I would lose my sh- I would just lose

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. Yeah. No, that’s a really good point because when you don’t put the time into yourself and you don’t put the money into yourself, you find that you’re patient. It’s gone. It’s gone. Because you have so much on you that the littlest thing will set you off. So, if right now you’re feeling like your kids just annoy the bejesus out of you, and like everything they do, and you’re feeling really bad too because you don’t want them to be annoying you, like you think it’s supposed to be this happy relationship, one of the reasons for this is because You have so much put on you right now and it’s not your fault.

It is not your fault because everyone is telling you, you have to do more. You have to be more. You have to do this for your kids. Like you were getting told this by all directions. And then when you follow their advice and you’re doing all the things you’re blowing up at a pin drop. And The reason is, is because these people have told you all these lies about what being a good parent is.

And we’re going to change that for you. And we have some three reasons to really think about, why practicing self-care is not selfish. It actually makes you a better parent. And these things are free that you can start practicing right away. And we’re going to get into the first one right after this.

So these reasons for practicing self-care, how it’s not selfish. thE first one is so interesting to me because it was my mentality for such a long time. It’s about hurrying and rushing to do all the things and how the act of hurrying actually triggers your stress response. And for me, I saw this, I could see the Best example is when we were planning to leave for a trip in January, and my husband was out of town and my mom had come in town and we were going to Disneyland. I was taking my kids to Disneyland with my mom.

Brie Tucker: Oh, I remember this trip.

JoAnn Crohn: whole day before I was rushing everywhere. I’m like, Oh, my gosh, I have to get. Addie to dog boarding.

But first I have to pack up all of her food and put her bed in the car. And then I have to drive over to dog boarding and come back. And then I have to hit my son’s school at this time and my daughter’s school at this time to make sure they’re home. And then my mom is coming in. So I have to let her into the garage and like all of these things, it was just one thing after another all day long.

And when my mom got there, she looks at me. She’s like, are you okay? I’m like, I’m fine, I’m good. And I’m like, I’m still, you know, you’re still on that hurrying buzz.

And then it crashed. It crashed big time. I got sick on that trip. I got the worst stomach ache on that trip because when I’m stressed, well, when I’m stressed, I eat.

I eat to calm down, I do all the things. And it was just because of hurrying around and doing everything. Um, And yeah, there’s a scientific reason behind this too.

Brie Tucker: yeah, like all that. So I’m like that all the time. We know that like Brie is always, I am unfortunately one of those people that I, and I’m trying to work on this because I know it’s not good for me. I am a procrastination junkie. I’m one of those people that the more I put things off. And then they have to get done.

I’m like, that gives me the motivation to plow through it. Right? But that’s not healthy because I can tell you I am on freaking edge that whole time Like if one thing goes wrong You’ve seen it before where i’ve gotten to those points where i’m so high in stress. I just start crying

JoAnn Crohn: I was thinking when there were holes in the rafts at Salt River when we were rafting and you were yelling at everybody. Yeah. We’re like, are you okay?

Brie Tucker: It depends on who you’re around right? But like yeah, my go to is I either start yelling and I’m yelling out of fear 100 percent because I’m terrified in my head. Everything is going down the tubes and we’re all going to die. We’re

all going to end up

JoAnn Crohn: It goes there pretty fast.

Brie Tucker: the river. Yeah, it goes there very quickly or I end up just crying because I just cause I can think of like one time, I forget what was going on, but that was something to my kids were really little, like we’re talking preschool age and it was a day of rushing to get stuff done. And all I remember is.

Dropping something, glass breaking in the kitchen, I pull out the vacuum to clean it, and something broke in the vacuum, and I just fell down on the floor and just was sobbing, sobbing, and I remember my kids coming over to me, trying to, like, comfort me, but there’s broken glass everywhere, so I’m like, stay away, the point of of all of that is that, you feel like there’s so much that has to be done, you take it all on you, what

JoAnn Crohn: Yes.

Brie Tucker: And then you’ve got, right?

So that’s the key we’re trying to tell you is that hurrying, not only does it physically trigger this stress response that can cause all these physical aspects, but it also puts all of it on

you and nobody can climb in your brain and help take that away.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s true. It’s so interesting though. Cause I talk a lot about the story of my mom and dad where my mom is like, just help out more. And my dad’s like, well, tell me what to do and I’ll do it. And she’s like, why do I have to tell you what to do?

Brie Tucker: Yeah,

JoAnn Crohn: There is a phenomenal, Instagram or his handle is Jimmy on relationships.

Have you seen this guy?

Brie Tucker: no, but I’m

JoAnn Crohn: He is so

good. We need to like, have him on the podcast. he’s a husband. He’s not a therapist or anything, but he’s gone through this whole like introspection on relationships. And so there’s one of this where he is role playing himself and he dresses up like as his quote unquote wife, obviously not his real wife, just a wife who has the hair and She tells him that exact thing. Like, why do I always have to tell you what to do? And he comes back with, well, if I don’t do it the right way, you’re just going to be mad at me. And I’m like, Oh, that is so right. Because I mean, only a two way street when we’re this stressed and hurrying this much, we get into our heads that there is a right way to do things.

And why would anyone take it away from us? If we’re just going to chew them out for not doing it the way we want them to do it.

Brie Tucker: Exactly. Exactly. so you hear this, you might be going like, well, then how am I supposed to fix it? nobody wants to help me because I’m going to yell at them. And so it’s just easier if I just do it. There is a really easy trick to how to fix this. Say no, people say ”no”

JoAnn Crohn: there is, a way if you know it’s coming for example, in our balance membership, introspection and reflection a big part. Like That’s what people go through in phase two. They learn how to reflect. They learn to give them self, self-compassion because you don’t realize the amount of stress.

That you’re in until you actually look back and you’re like, Oh, shoot, like that was a lot of stress right there. Let me give myself some compassion right there. Let me get through it. And then by doing that so many times, your brain starts realizing it actually physically rewires and You’ll be able to catch yourself before that happens.

Brie Tucker: before you’re down on the ground crying with the glass everywhere.

JoAnn Crohn: you won’t be able to do that. If this is your like MO right now, you can start saying no to these things. I mean, know that that’s in your future saying no to just being like, okay. I’m not going to do all of this by myself. In fact, one of the great things to do is if I am very, very stressed with something coming up, I will write down a list.

I’ll get it all done out of my head and then I will bring it to my partner or whoever, another adult, and even my kids too, because they’re 14 and 10 and I’ll be like, okay, here’s what needs to get done. Let’s talk about this. And

I have to tell you some of the, some of the things I write down. I mean, in this conversation, my kids or my partner’s like, do we really need to have that done before we go?

And they bring up a valid point and I’m like, no, probably not. I guess we could cross that off. I mean, you see it in work, Bri. I do this all the time. And you’re like, do we really need to do that before? I’m like, no, you’re right.

Brie Tucker: Yeah, it takes a while to get to that point where you’re able to say that because one of the things I got from my mom growing up is that when you go on vacation, the house has to be spotless before you leave.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh, that’s a mental mind trap.

Brie Tucker: You have to clean the whole house from top to bottom before you leave Because it has to be The only way you can relax when you come home is to a spotless house

JoAnn Crohn: That is a lot of stress. That is a lot of stress.

Brie Tucker: Do that every that? Sorry if I like busted anybody’s eardrums on that one I mean like besides everything else that is a lot So that is one that my family does try to help me let go of when we go places I’m, like listen If we can just beat the trash, I’ll be happy

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. There’s some things to let go of, but it’s, it’s totally possible to avoid the hurrying when you really are able to step back and look to see what you don’t have to do. And you’re able to say no to, I mean, one of our balance members, Edith, she did this during the holidays cause she was so stressed out about having to go to, I believe it was her in laws house cause they’re like packing it up from their house, going to the other house and it just feels like they didn’t get to enjoy anything.

And so. That last holiday season, she said no to going in the same day and instead they went two different days and that drastically lowered her stress level because she was able to step in the moment and be like, no, I’m not going to do it.

Brie Tucker: That helps so much.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. Okay. Our second, our second reason, Brie, lead us into that.

Brie Tucker: Okay. Our second one is that you don’t have to deal with all of the emotional situations, right? So how, hands out in podcast land, raise your hand if you feel like It is your job to emotionally take care of

everybody in your family,

JoAnn Crohn: Oh my gosh. I see that All the time. I feel that in my house too. Like If someone’s not happy, Oh, what can we do to make them happy? How could we engineer this situation so that everyone’s.

Brie Tucker: there’s this internal like a smoke alarm and i’m saying smoke alarm because of my last 24 hours, but hey For those who don’t know brie started a small fire in her kitchen yesterday. So anyway, um, you have this alarm this emotional alarm that goes off in your head that says oh my kid is stressed out Oh, my daughter is unhappy.

Oh, my husband seems stressed And all of a sudden we take it on us to be the emotional fixer of everybody else in the family And that that’s hard we take on a lot and then what happens? Because we put so much of our emotional capabilities out there that we can take into everybody else Our cup gets full and then as soon as anything else happens, bam, it’s overflowing.

We are stressed out to the max We’re yelling, we’re crying over spilt water, like it

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. It’s called the emotional labor of the household that usually falls on women unknowingly. if you’re listening right now and you’re like, I have never heard of this emotional labor. Yeah, that it’s happening and it takes a toll on you. I mean, I know when it’s taking a toll on me now, just because I’m aware of it.

Like my son comes home crying and automatically, like, I want scream inside because I’ve had like a long day working. want to do is relax. And then he’s having a fit because he can’t find anything to eat. In our full pantry and I


Brie Tucker: anger is real.

JoAnn Crohn: I can’t deal with it. I can’t, I feel it this rage inside. And just know that that emotional labor is there and it’s real. And lately what I’ve been doing is if I feel that rage inside, it’s usually

indication, it’s a little alarm bell going off that something needs to change and how I am dealing with the situation. Because we know we can’t get our kids to change we have no control over that, but there has to be something I can change in the situation.

And usually what happens is I go up to my son. I tap him on the shoulder. I’m like. I’m sorry, bud. And then I leave to the other room. I’m like, I’m just going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back. And usually when I come back, he’s figured things out and he’s fine.

Brie Tucker: So we are going to show you guys how to fix this, how to handle that emotional labor a little bit more. What is a tip that you can do right after this break

JoAnn Crohn: So with handling this emotional labor in your own life, you really need to be aware of how you’re feeling in the given moment and where you are. And we talked a little bit about in the last tip about this, Brie, about being reflective and using the journals. And once you’re aware of it, you can start.

Yeah. Practicing setting aside these time and these spaces just for you where no one else can bother you for me it is my bed at nine o’clock at night everybody in my family makes fun of me because they’re like, oh you go to bed so early and i’m like, yeah I do go to bed early because when i’m in bed I’m reading my thriller and it is such a cherished time of my day because I just get to relax my whole body and I get to do something that I enjoy.

My kids try to get me out of it. They still do. It’s a little less now because I have been pretty consistent with telling them no. I mean, just this weekend, my daughter’s been in a show and her friends have actually been bringing her flowers. They’ve come to see a show. They bring her flowers

Brie Tucker: how

JoAnn Crohn: So she has these flowers and she’ll come to me at like 10, 15 at night.

And yeah, I’m reading in bed that long. That’s how long I stay in bed. But she’ll come to me and she’ll be like, Mom, can you help me with my flowers? And I was like, you know, if you just put them in water right now, they’ll be fine until tomorrow. Let’s do that. Or she’ll be like, mom, I need help with my laundry.

And I’m like, I’m reading.

This is my time. And she still comes and asks me from time to time to get out, or she just comes and hangs out in my room and is on her Instagram. But. Either way, I have my time, and they know, like, that is my time. That is what I like.

Brie Tucker: I

think it’s important for people to hear that, because like, I know, you have been going through that battle for a while. Like having your kids, respecting that timeframe where it’s like yours, you’re going to bed and they may choose to stay up later. That’s their own thing. Protecting that time has been really, really important to you and your kids still love you. they’re not emotionally damaged because you’ve said, no, this is my bedtime. This is my quiet time. So I want everybody out there in podcast land to hear this because I think that sometimes we’re afraid that if we are really strict about our time, we’re going to lose it.

Because I said, this is my time for me to do my thing, which by the way, I’d like to point out there are 1, 440 minutes in a day. You can set aside.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, but your kids will take up all of them if you let them.

Brie Tucker: Yes, your whole family will, like my dog will too, trust me. They all want to steal some of the time, but you can find some of that time for yourself. Start small, maybe 10 minutes one day you will get to a healthy timeframe.

Like I think an hour and a half, two hours in bed. is still fantastic because thinking about the amount of the rest of the day that you’ve given to everybody else, you do deserve that time

to rest and recoup. There are so many studies about the importance of this. So even if you put those boundaries out there, that’s not a bad thing.

What you’re doing is showing your children that boundaries are a good thing. you can put up boundaries.

JoAnn Crohn: What you’ll find though, is your kids start setting boundaries of their own. And that is also a very interesting lesson because you realize that you may not respect other people’s boundaries as much as you want yours And so Like I find myself doing like my daughter will set up a boundary, like, Oh yeah, I don’t want to come to dinner and I will want to push and prod. And I’m like, Hmm. Maybe it is my perception of what a boundary means that I’m not willing to set them myself. You know what I’m saying? Like, It’s my perception that when she sets a boundary, I’m like, Oh, she doesn’t want me.

She doesn’t want me. So I’m going to go in there and I’m going to go in and I’m going to push, I’m going to prod and I’m going to be like, Oh, maybe that’s why I don’t want to set a boundary because that’s what going through my head that I don’t want them when it’s not that at all.

Brie Tucker: Right. Right. It is. And it’s hard You just said something that made me think about this because this episode is airing here in November and Thanksgiving is right around the corner and my son just asked the other day if he could avoid Thanksgiving period.

He doesn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at his dad’s house or at my house and I told him no. I was like, no, that’s not an option. You can’t just not go to Thanksgiving, but I have my own things and I have my reasons. So you just made me realize I need to talk to him about that. I need to hear why he’s setting that boundary and I need to explain to him where my perspective is and we’ll see, we’ll

JoAnn Crohn: Because maybe there’s a workaround where you can come to a mutually agreeable solution where he doesn’t have to skip Thanksgiving, but he also gets his needs met at the…

Brie Tucker: Yeah. It might be a different, his boundary might be something different than what I’m imagining it is in my head. So I’ll have to work on that one. That’s a good one.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. It’s a good it’s an introspective thing. Yes.

Brie Tucker: So that flows us into our number three thing that you can do helps you with practicing this, the self-care.

We want you to hear that. not setting those boundaries can make you resentful, and this is why you need to have the boundaries.

JoAnn Crohn: And it’s a lot, like I use the resentment now as a clue that I need to set a boundary because oh if I, well, like my daughter, when she asked me to move her clothes, I kind of visually. Thought about okay. What does this look like if I say yes in this moment, I would get out of bed I would probably not just get out of bed.

I would throw the covers off me Be like fine Stop to the washing machine and take them out throw them in or whatever And that is not pretty. It’s not cute.

Brie Tucker: You also, how would you feel if your daughter did that, right? You’d be like, excuse attitude much?

That would be my response.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. But there would be actual emotions behind it and it’s not about just dealing with it. I heard something so great today. It was actually in the book Crucial Accountability and it’s the difference between coping versus cutting because in all these situations in our lives, we think we only have two options we either have to cope with the situation.

Yeah. like Deal with it, or we have to cut that person completely out of our lives. And it’s just not true because usually when you’re in that decision mode of either just dealing with it or cutting, you think just dealing with it is just accepting it and trying to be nice about it. And trying to pretend it doesn’t bother you where.

Brie Tucker: what I would think dealing means. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, where.

you do that, but then you’re like so mad inside and you’re complaining about this behavior to your friends and you’re saying like your kids don’t respect you or you’re saying your spouse never does anything. He just sits there like a man. You know, you hear all this stuff a lot that is not healthy coping.

That is not what coping is. Coping is looking at a situation and being okay with it, being understanding, knowing the other person’s story, and being able to rationalize that. And if you’re not able to rationalize the other person’s story, well, guess what? There is another way to cope with that situation.

And it is to set a boundary and it is to talk to the other person about it. You do not have to put up with it.

Brie Tucker: think talking is a huge aspect of it. So in our episode notes here, I had us talking about, there is a story you have shared and I think it’s a huge example of boundaries and the fact that a lot of times as moms, we don’t set boundaries and then we get resentful. do you mind if I do it real quick, the peach story. So like, there’s this peach, a beautiful peach, totally perfect, ready to eat, sitting on your counter. And a mom, we would typically look at that peach and go, Oh my gosh, that peach is wonderful. I’m going to hang on to that and make sure that when my kids get home from school today they can have some peach slices because they’re always hungry and this would be fantastic for them.

And then later dad walks in the kitchen five minutes after mom leaves, sees this fantastic peach and is like, Oh wow, awesome. I’m going to go put that in my smoothie. That would be delicious. It’d be awesome. It would help give me energy for the day. So he puts it in there. Mom walks in after that, and we’re like, what the hell did you just do?

That peach was for our kids. And we get mad and we get resentful, but really, why? Because we were looking at it as something that we were going to sacrifice for somebody else. And in that story, the spouse saw it and was like, that is something that could help my needs. It could nourish my body.

JoAnn Crohn: Nobody else is using it. I’m going to use it. It’s there.

Brie Tucker: Right, right. we have taught everybody a lot of times by our lack of boundaries that we are all about the stop and drop, that we will stop and take care of their needs before our own, that their needs come before ours. And then we get pissed off and resentful that nobody thinks of our needs

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

it takes care of us. Exactly. And we were always like, why, why can’t somebody take care of us? I’m like,

Brie Tucker: right. It starts with you. taking care of you.

JoAnn Crohn: also have to say and this is, I’m going to need to ruffle some feathers about this one because sometimes when we quote-unquote take care of other people, they don’t actually want it or need it and are taking care of them is a bit of a selfish act on our part because it makes us feel useful.

Brie Tucker: And it sometimes takes away the power from others. Like it makes, It can make you, you know, actually, you have a really good example of that earlier. We were talking about how, why would anybody take away, doing a task for you when you’re just going to yell at them and tell them it’s done wrong.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

Brie Tucker: And so like, if you’re constantly doing everything for everybody else. You’re giving them the message that they’re not capable of doing it, so why should they even bother?

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. Why should they even bother? And a lot of times we take care of others to feel important, to feel needed, to feel appreciated. I used to do that with my husband’s chores. if he didn’t get to it in time, I would take out the trash and then I’d all gloat and I’d be like, I took out the trash, expecting a gold star, expecting appreciation for it.

Brie Tucker: A pat on the head.

JoAnn Crohn: on the head. because I mean, we don’t get that a lot as moms, but. Knowing that that’s behind it and it’s kind of insidious that that’s behind it. I mean, you’re able to step back a little bit and you’re like, am I really helping or am I helping from a selfish aspect? Because we’re taught that we’re taught to that we should help others.

We should sacrifice for others, but are we really helping?

Brie Tucker: Not really. We’re not really helping anybody. So…

JoAnn Crohn: like that person when you go to volunteer and. You have no jobs to do because that one person is going around and doing everything and they’re like, oh my gosh, they help so much They’re so wonderful when and no one else has any way to contribute You think about that because I’ve been in those situations where I just feel like I am totally useless I have nothing to do because this one person has taken over all the jobs and In that sense, it’s not help anymore.

It’s control. It’s this feeling of use. it’s almost I dare to say it, this narcissistic quality where helping becomes, a badge of honor and an identity and not letting anyone else help is actually a selfish thing.

Brie Tucker: again, I think that comes back to, we’re talking about how you see your role as being the one that takes care of everybody and everything. And… That is not a sustainable role for anyone where that is what we’re trying to tell you is that you cannot take care of everyone and everything and still be a fulfilled version of you because then, like you just said, you’ve changed your identity to I fix everything.

So then if something pops up that I can’t fix, who am I? Why am I here?

JoAnn Crohn: Exactly. Exactly. Your whole identity has been being the helper and that’s not what your identity needs to be.

Brie Tucker: So we’re telling you, you need to set these boundaries, set healthy boundaries so that you’re not becoming upset, becoming resentful and you need to stop being the martyr and move more into that healthy role model.

JoAnn Crohn: Yes, exactly. Exactly. And with that. We want to remind you that if you want more of us, go to balance for moms. com and we have a little gift for you there. It’s a calculator. So you can really see how much you do in your house because it’s a great example. Like you might not think you’re doing very much, but when you actually tabulate it and like calculate it and it’s just checking rows.

we will show you the exact percentage of stuff that you do and it may astound you. And that is the first way to start making change in your home. So balance for moms. com and get that free home responsibility calculator and you also get the no guilt mom newsletter.

And with that, remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by. 

Brie Tucker

COO/ Podcast Producer at No Guilt Mom
Brie Tucker has over 20 years of experience coaching parents with a background in early childhood and special needs. She holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Central Missouri and is certified in Positive Discipline as well as a Happiest Baby Educator.

She’s a divorced mom to two teenagers.

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