Please note: Transcripts were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.
JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn joined by the lovely Brie Tucker.
Brie Tucker: Why, hello, hello, everybody. How are you?
JoAnn Crohn: We have got such an important episode for you today because I noticed, I mean, I do it myself. I noticed it in my daughter, as women, we’re extremely self critical. do you see it in yourself,
Brie Tucker: we were just talking about this earlier. negative self talk, and you know that is something that I struggle with quite a bit. I try to catch myself, but If you know somebody that’s like Brie, that’s a chronic I’m sorry, that takes, that, that takes ownership of the world’s problems, then they might have a problem with, not being like nice self talk.
JoAnn Crohn: The self talk and it goes beyond self talk. What we’re talking about today is self compassion and it was revolutionized and started by Dr. Kristin Neff, who was one of our podcast guest dreams.
Brie Tucker: she was on the list that you gave me before we started the podcast.
It was the list. She was on the original. Yes. So this is a long time coming episode, people.
JoAnn Crohn: we teach her work in our balance program. it has changed my own life using a self compassion practice and my own mental health. Dr. Kristin Neff, she’s a researcher who founded the field of self compassion study, and she’s written Several books on it, including self compassion, the proven power of being kind to yourself and fear self compassion, how women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power and thrive.
And we hope you enjoy our interview with Kristin. Welcome Dr. Neff to the podcast. I am personally super excited to have you on here because I’ve read both of your books. We teach your self compassion practices in our balance program. So it is really such an honor. So welcome.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Oh, thanks so much for having me. I love talking with parents and moms in particular, so it’s great.
JoAnn Crohn: So I’m a mom I have a 14 year old daughter and I have a 10 year old son and I was talking with her about how excited I was to interview you. And we were talking about self compassion and she had. A great question. And I’m like, that’s a good question. And I am going to ask Dr. Neff. She wanted to know what’s the difference between self love and self compassion.
Is there a difference?
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah, I mean there’s overlap, obviously. So I define self compassion as having three components. There’s kindness and warmth, but there’s also mindfulness, which is the ability to, see things clearly, to pay attention to what’s happening, to not distort them or, or shove them under the rug.
and also a sense of common humanity, right? So in other words, the difference between Compassion and pity is other people. So compassion is like everyone struggles. Everyone’s imperfect. And I’m all for self love. The slight problem is you might say that a narcissist has self love. So what’s the difference?
with the narcissist, it’s all about me. And, and the narcissist is not gonna admit that they’re imp imperfect, and they have flaws. So compassion. also, so also love is almost uniquely positive. Compassion. The word passion in the Latin means to suffer. So it’s how are we with our, the difficulties?
How are we with our mistakes, our feelings of inadequacy, our difficult times, the challenges in our life. And, and can we be with them remembering that we’re human, that all people are imperfect, that everyone struggles. Yes, some more than others, of course, but nonetheless, that’s what makes us human is the fact that we’re imperfect.
And so self love is, you know, I think if you’re self compassionate, you do love yourself, but it’s, based on your humanity, not on the fact that you’re special and above average, for instance. And the other big difference is that it’s not contingent. It’s unconditional self love. A lot of self love is contingent.
You know, I love myself when I look a certain way or when I succeed or, you know, if I make enough money or people like me. it’s kind of like self esteem that way. Self esteem is basically a judgment of worth and it’s often conditional. So at least the way I’ve defined it, self compassion is unconditional.
The moment you’re born, right? You don’t have to go to graduate school, be worthy of compassion. You’re worthy of compassion just because you’re a human being struggling the best you can moment by moment. So that’s basically, I would say the difference.
JoAnn Crohn: so I love the, integration of the passion meeting suffering thing, because that is something that I’ve really noticed in the self compassion practice. This notice, that you are suffering and you are hurting. And just the other day, my daughter was being really hard on herself and like, Oh, I didn’t pay attention.
Oh, I didn’t do this. And this is a constant thing we have. And I come up to her and I’m like, okay, you’re hurting right now. You’re in pain. She’s like, no, I’m not mom. I’m just dumb. And it’s such a, I
Brie Tucker: that’s so hard to hear.
JoAnn Crohn: think it’s uncommon. And I said that to myself before I found your work. could you lead people exactly through what the steps of self compassion are?
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah. Well, so that’s actually why we start with mindfulness because a mindfulness is the ability to be with what’s happening as opposed to resisting it either making it wanting to go away or sometimes we resist it by like, okay. I really do have control. It’s just that I’m not smart enough. And if I were to have smart enough, I would be able to control everything.
So my focus is kind of the clear recognition that, first of all, these things happen and we are in total control. We can do our best. Of course, not if we stop trying, but we are in total control. so my son, I raised him to have self compassion. Now he’s autistic, but nonetheless, he’s pretty high functioning.
And he used to tell me when he was a teenager, Don’t give me that self compassion stuff, mommy. I don’t want to accept the pain. He didn’t want to accept the
reality that he was hurting. You want to fix it immediately.
Brie Tucker: right?He’s like, is there a shortcut
Dr. Kristin Neff: And I was like, well, good luck with that one. I, I wish there was, but there isn’t
Brie Tucker: Let me know when
Dr. Kristin Neff: exactly.
and by the way, compassion isn’t everything. Also there’s celebration. There’s appreciation of the good things, but in particular. Compassion means how are you with the pain and the suffering and the hurt and because that’s where we get into trouble.
It’s easier to be with the good stuff. It’s hard to be with that feeling I’ve made a mistake or I’ve got grief or I’ve got fear. We want to suppress it, make it go away. So we need the support of our own warmth and that’s where the kindness comes in and the sense of connectedness. Normally it’s not logical.
But normally we feel like everyone else in the world is living a normal, perfect life. And it’s just me who’s screwed up or it’s just me who’s going through this. And that makes it so much worse. First of all, it’s not true. That’s basic,
Brie Tucker: Right
Dr. Kristin Neff: but it makes it harder. We feel like we’re all alone and we feel disempowered.
So that’s why, I really teach the three components together. So you said, what are the steps of it? Basically, you need to start with mindfulness because if you aren’t aware that you’re having a hard time, you don’t even know you need compassion. It’d be like a friend, who called you up and said, Hey, I really need to talk.
I’m having a hard time. Oh, I’m too busy to talk to you. so you got to take your own phone call
and that’s mindfulness. Basically
JoAnn Crohn: you have to know that you’re suffering.
interesting with the mindfulness aspect. I was talking with, a new friend this weekend and she had recently left a religion, but she says that in her religion, the common, advice when you were struggling with something is to just put it on your shelf.
Just put it on your shelf and forget about it. And it.
goes so contrary to actually noticing the pain and what you’re going through.
Brie Tucker: How do you do that Is there a book that tells you how to stuff your feelings away and make sure that they sit on a shelf and don’t come
Dr. Kristin Neff: here’s what we know in psychology. We know a lot about this. You can compartmentalize and sometimes you need to, like if you’re a doctor there are times you need to compartmentalize, but first of all, it comes back to haunt you. Eventually this, what we, what this research shows, the more you resist it, the more you think about it because it takes energy.
Emotions arise and they do their dance and they pass away. And when you put it on the shelf, It’s never leaving that shelf and it’s stuck in your body and it will come out in other ways when you least expect it, including physically.
JoAnn Crohn: Oh
she said a common thing amongst people who have left that religion is they ask each other, so when did your shelf break?
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yes.
JoAnn Crohn: Because it all came crashing
Dr. Kristin Neff: Okay. And because it’s still there. So mindfulness, okay, this is happening. It hurts. but it doesn’t mean that we, we won’t try to do our best to change things in the future. We have limited control, but of course we take steps to make things better. But right now it’s here. it’s like, you know, social injustice.
We can pretend it’s not there, but we aren’t going to fix it unless we first acknowledge it exists. First you acknowledge it, you validate it, and then you work towards changing it. Same with our own, challenges and problems. So first is mindfulness. And then, you can do either one of these next, but I usually go to common humanity personally, just remembering that I’m not alone.
You know, because there’s nothing wrong with me for feeling this way. There’s nothing wrong with me for experiencing this. This is part of life. many people Experience this. And when we do that again, that’s basically just to help us feel less isolated and we feel more empowered when we remember that, other people have gone through this, you know, it’s not just me.
And then the kindness and then kindness can be brought in to a lot of ways. A physical touch is a really effective way to bring kindness, partly because, we know this is as mothers, right? The way we communicate care to our babies before they learn to talk is through touch. They can feel it. And so believe it or not, research shows you put your own hands on your heart or your face.
You lower your cortisol levels, your body responds because it’s built by evolution to do So it calms down. You feel more supported physically. And then you can say words. You can just say, what would I say to someone? I really cared about a friend or a family member who I really cared about. What would I say to them in this situation?
And usually if you ask yourself that question, you would never speak to a loved one the way you speak to yourself.
JoAnn Crohn: No
No way. They wouldn’t be friends anymore.
Dr. Kristin Neff: And what if you told your friend, you’re so stupid? Is that really going to help them? no, it’s going to just make them feel depressed and it’s not going to help at all. And yet we think somehow it’s helpful with ourselves. It’s not totally logical. And there is, you know, to give ourselves a break, there’s an evolutionary reason for this.
It’s because when there’s some, there’s a problem, we feel threatened. So you’re going to fight, flight, or freeze. It’s just, basic evolutionary instinct. And of course, when we’re the problem, we turn that inward. We fight ourselves, we beat ourselves up, thinking we’re going to get ourselves in line.
we flee into a sense of shame and isolation, or we freeze and we get stuck and we go over and over in our heads. With your friend, you aren’t so immediately threatened, so you can tap into the other system. and this is related to parenting, which is the care system. I mean, the fact that we have built into our bodies the ability to care means that we can tap into that system for self care.
It’s not the first instinct is fight, flight, or freeze, but we have this other system called the care system. We just have to do a little half. You got to give yourself permission to say, actually, I’m choosing to treat myself a wood, my child that I love, or, my friend and me and his parents.
Some people say, I’m just going to let myself off the hook. I’ll never get anything done. Well, that would be like spoiling your child. You can do it, but is it good for your child? If you said, don’t worry, you don’t need to go to school, eat all the sugar you want. That’s not caring. Sometimes as a parent, we need to draw boundaries.
We need to say, Hey, there are rules. It’s not healthy. But first and foremost, I want you to be healthy, and the same thing with ourselves. So we actually were more motivated to make changes, but not because we’re inadequate as we are just because we care about ourselves, just our kids. We want them to be happy.
We want them to reach their full potential. We do, we do the same thing with us, but with the bottom line, hopefully with our kids, the bottom line is unconditional acceptance. And I also want you to work hard to achieve your goals with us. Bottom line is unconditional self acceptance. And we still want to work hard to achieve our goals.
Again, not to prove ourselves, but simply because we care. More effective. Research shows it’s more effective than self criticism.
JoAnn Crohn: Yes, and I love that and we are going to talk about too how this applies to parenting and how it’s so important to give yourself self compassion to be a more connected and more Present parent and we’re going to do that right when we come back.
One of the quotes that I read in your book for your self compassion that really stuck with me is caring for ourselves is actually the energy source powering our ability to help others. so can you tell us a little bit more about how, self compassion does this? And I, I loved your story about being in the airplane with your four year old.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Oh, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.it’s kind of funny. Some people think we only have five units of compassion. So, if I give three to myself, I’m going to have two left over for anyone else. It doesn’t work that way. The more compassion and kindness and love flows inward, the more we have available to give to others and to sustain giving without burning out.
And so with parents, it’s so important that it’s important on a couple of different levels. So, one level is certainly just. It’s just energetic. When you are exhausted and you’re fed up, when you give and put your hands on your heart and you say, Oh, I’m so sorry. It’s so hard for you. I’m here for you.
I care. What do you need right now? You’re actually replenishing your batteries. you’re resourcing yourself that allows you then to go and take care of your kids and do what they need to do. If you’re just frustrated or if you do this, all my energy has to be spent on my kids.
You’re going to have nothing left over to give. It It’s like
breathing. You have to breathe in and out, otherwise you’re going to die. Same thing with compassion. You got to have in and out. And then the other way it works, and this is where the story comes in, is through our mirror neurons. So the human brain, we’re designed, our brains are designed to resonate with each other.
And especially with parents and children, we’re very emotionally connected to each other. So just as your kids moods impact you, you know this, your moods impact your kids. And so, when you are being self compassionate, your children are actually resonating with your compassionate mindset, your loving, connected presence, which is one way to talk about the three components of self compassion.
Thank you. If you’re irritated, if you’re frustrated, if you’re burnt out, if you’re numb inside, that’s what your kids are resonating with. And so my son is actually, he’s autistic. And by the way, some people say autistic kids don’t have a lot of empathy. It’s totally false. They’re really resonant with others.
That’s why they pull back. They have difficulties perspective taking cognitively, but my son and I were very, very attuned. And so I would regulate his emotions by regulating my own emotions. So one time it was actually, we were on a plane, we were flying to Europe, it was a transatlantic flight. And they turned the, lights off in the plane.
And because it was very, it had a lot of sensory issues, like triggered a tantrum, full on screaming, flailing tantrum. you know, and I felt like, Oh my God, all these other people
there’s a tangent and there are sometimes his old also, I think it was actually five at the time.
It’s he was, he, people think he should be over that. He didn’t realize people couldn’t tell he was autistic
Brie Tucker: they didn’t have
Dr. Kristin Neff: and I couldn’t reach him. Right. And so,I took him to the bathroom again, let him have his tangent in there. It didn’t help.
Brie Tucker: right,
Dr. Kristin Neff: So I gave myself compassion. I just like put my hands on my heart.
I said, this is so hard, Christian. You feel out of control. This is so I’m here for you. I’m mainly focused on myself. I was able to calm myself down and then he could come down because he was resonating with me.
Brie Tucker: that co
Dr. Kristin Neff: Co regulation. And then once he calmed down a little bit, I could do more directly soothing of him.
So, you know, what you cultivate inside is what your kids interact with. It is not separate. Yeah.
So that’s one way. And then also modeling. If you model self compassion out loud,
it’s the best gift you can give your kids. They will grow up knowing that it’s okay to make mistakes. A, but you don’t leave it there.
And learn from them. Right? When we say failure is our best teacher. That is true. You make a mistake. Well, that’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. That’s interesting. What, what, what could I learn? You know, how might I do better next time? If you model that, that’s such a gift to your kids. If you say, Oh, I’m such an idiot in front of your kids.
Cause you don’t want them to judge you, but they’re really learning is, Oh, that’s what you’re supposed to say. I’m such an idiot. When you make a mistake.
JoAnn Crohn: Yes. Yes. That’s something we say here at No Guilt Mom. We say we turn, we help you go from martyr to model because it’s all about what you present. It’s not about what you tell your kids. They see exactly what you do.
Dr. Kristin Neff: But it’s not only out loud modeling, it’s also, that’s the thing about mirror neurons is also your presence. You know, if people pick up, it’s not woo woo, like we feeling
someone’s vibes, way the brain works, we feel each other’s vibes. So cultivating an internal warm, loving mindset is going to be so helpful to your kids.
They’re going to feel safer around you and feel more, calm as well.
JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, because kids can definitely notice if you’re really nervous, really anxious. I, knowing this lately with my kids, what I’ve been doing is that if I do feel nervous or anxious, I’ll go around and I’ll model my self compassion. I’ll be like, I am really hurting right now. I am very nervous about this.
I’m going to take a deep breath. Okay. Lots of other people are nervous like this, just like me, if they were in the same situation. And, My kids look at me and they’re like, okay, mom, but I know they’re picking it up. They
Dr. Kristin Neff: picking it up though. And now my son totally practices self-compassion. he got through that phase of don’t give that to me mommy. Now he knows it works. He, so he developed anxiety disorder as he got older. So it really helps him deal with it.
JoAnn Crohn: It helps a lot. Now you have, you talk about two different types of self compassion, tender self compassion and fierce self compassion. Can you tell us the difference between the two?
Dr. Kristin Neff: yeah, yeah. So there are two different phases that’s really important ’cause people get confused. So one face tender acceptance and that’s, we accept ourselves and our emotions unconditionally. In other words, we’re flawed human beings, we make mistakes, our emotions arise, we, they hurt, and we just have to accept the fact that that’s the way it is, and we can bring warmth, and that’s kind of more of a nurturing, maybe a gentle mothering quality, you might say.
but there’s also what I like to call mama bear self compassion or fear self compassion. This is aimed more at changing behaviors or situations. It’s not compassionate to accept behaviors that are harmful to ourself or others And it’s not compassionate to accept situations that are harmful to ourselves or others.
And so that’s where we need to change. That’s where we need to take action. So it may mean drawing boundaries, saying no, protecting ourselves, speaking up. It might mean taking time to meet your own needs. or also again, motivating change. And so as a parent, we know we need both. We love our kids unconditionally.
But that doesn’t mean we spoil them. It doesn’t mean we don’t to try to motivate them. It doesn’t mean we don’t do what we can to help them achieve their goals in life. And also, we also need to draw some boundaries with our kids.
Brie Tucker: Yes,
I think that’s it. That’s a
thing, right? so many moms. feel like we think that unconditional love means that. We are always going to be last. I, just over the weekend, you had a really good, Instagram where you’re, there was a, a
JoAnn Crohn: Oh, I took
Brie Tucker: mom was like, it’s not my turn.
it was this mom was like, it’s not my turn to
JoAnn Crohn: have my wants and needs. It’s not my turn to do what I want to do, but it’s my turn to make family memories. It’s my, I’m like, no.
Brie Tucker: And this is exactly what you’re talking about, Dr. Neff, right? that is not okay. That is
Dr. Kristin Neff: It has.
Brie Tucker: you’re gonna be, you’re gonna burn
Dr. Kristin Neff: And it’s yin and yang, if you need both, if you’re too about acceptance and don’t draw boundaries or don’t speak up, you can be complacent and you will burn out. Right. On the other hand, if it’s too much about my way or the highway, or you better, I’m going to motivate you to get that great.
I’m And if you don’t, I’m not going to love you, you know, to ourselves or others. That’s not okay either. We need both, but you can hold them together because the acceptance is more about, ourselves as people or as kids, as people, we love them and conditionally and and the change or the action is more about behaviors or situations.
So they actually can go together. They need to go together. One without the others incomplete.
JoAnn Crohn: They do. And in for your self compassion, you talk a lot about how it shows up in adult relationships as well, particularly in heterosexual relationships. And I love the story about the woman who gave up her interior design job to take care of the baby and everything because she had all this pressure from her parents and pressure from her husband.
Can you tell us about that and how
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah.
Well, so here, here’s the thing is a gender role. socialization plays into this. I’m not talking about gender identity. If you identify as male, female, non binary, I’m talking about, the shoe box you were put in when you were growing up, right? kids who are raised as boys, first of all, this So they’re allowed to be fierce.
They’re allowed to take action. They’re supposed to take action, be fierce, and be brave. But if they’re too tender, they’re too sensitive, they’re too accepting, they get bullied.
And this harms our boys because it actually reduces their emotional intelligence. Girls, on the other hand, you know, there’s a little more gender role flexibility, especially when they’re young, but when you get older, yeah, you’re allowed to be tender, especially towards others, but if you’re, if you meet your own needs,
JoAnn Crohn: Oh my gosh, stand back. Yeah, you’re selfish. Get out.
Dr. Kristin Neff: That’s right.
JoAnn Crohn: your woman card.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Exactly. And if we love self sacrificing woman and think about taking action, she’s, she’s so ambitious.
Hillary Clinton, Kamala. They’re so ambitious. You would never say that about a man. So when, if a woman takes the, we aren’t allowed to be fierce, basically. And we really don’t like angry woman or women that speak up.
And that, that leads things like, why are women paid less? Because
first of all, not only they socialize not to negotiate, we don’t like a woman who asked for what she deserves because she’s not feminine. So gender role socialization,
Brie Tucker: I just throw in a
here? I’m sorry. Hallelujah.
Dr. Kristin Neff: And here’s the thing, it harms everyone. It, you know, it harms
men and women in different ways, but it also harms men.
Every single person should be allowed to express their authentic, fierce, and tender side in the way that’s right for them. The society doesn’t really allow it. And and then for parents, raising your kids is really useful to think about. Are you socializing your, your boys to think they shouldn’t be tender?
they shouldn’t accept things. That’s going to harm them emotionally. Are you socializing the girls that shouldn’t be like talk up speak up too much or you know, be too active
JoAnn Crohn: be too bossy.
That was when I got a lot.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah. Yeah.
but really it’s about balance. It’s about yin and yang. and the research shows that people who can integrate both energies do better.
JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, and the job
interviews I was so mad reading these chapters not at you but at the situation of society in general because
Dr. Kristin Neff: still the case, it’s
JoAnn Crohn: the case
Dr. Kristin Neff: it’s
JoAnn Crohn: And just saying like how even for jobs a female candidate and a male candidate completely similar things They just had a female name and a male name and how to balance that in the job interview Basically, if you go in and tell your accomplishment spree in the job interview If you’re a woman you also need to say how you want to help people around the office and that’s how you’re going to balance the scales
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah. Because otherwise like, oh, she’s kind of stuck up or
narcissistic. You would never say, yeah, it still occurs.
JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, I know. I was so
Brie Tucker: insane.
I’m thinking in all the times that I was a hiring manager. I don’t, I don’t think
Dr. Kristin Neff: It’s
JoAnn Crohn: it too. Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Women do it to other women even more than men. It’s unconscious. Do I like them or not? Which is kind of vague. A lot of it is, are they fitting my unconscious gender role stereotypes?
Brie Tucker: Wow.
JoAnn Crohn: it in mom shaming too, and it’s that implicit bias coming out.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Oh, oh yeah. So a man who just like, does anything for his kids. Oh, he’s such a great dad!
Whereas a mother has to do like, you know, cartwheels, and earn money,
and it’s yeah, it’s totally, totally,
Brie Tucker: just, Oh my gosh, I just had this conversation yesterday. We were at the grocery store and I’m, I’m in the bathroom and this mom is in there, God help her with her toddler or preschooler. And hear her be like, listen, I understand you don’t want to go potty, but we’re here right now. So let’s just try.
And then the toddler is no, no. You hear the toddler smack the mom. okay. And then you get the screaming, so loud screaming, like. Echoing in the bathroom. was like, all right Well, I was already on my way out and standing there wasn’t going to help her And so I was just like hang in there mama and I walk out and there’s dad sitting on the bench playing on his phone It’s not his fault but it definitely brought up a conversation with my husband about how If that had happened in the bathroom with a dad anybody would have been like, oh, he’s trying his best But and with a mom there was a good chance somebody would be like, well, she’s not doing a
Dr. Kristin Neff: exactly. Yeah.Yeah. We really need to be conscious of gender because it does influence, not only for ourselves, but also what we transmit to our kids.
JoAnn Crohn: Yeah,
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah. So one of my workshops, right? Even though my research shows that self compassion is by far one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience.
So you have combat soldiers who are more self compassionate. They were less likely to suffer from PTSD, for instance, and yet 85 percent of the people that come to my workshops are women because compassion’s a female thing.
JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.
Dr. Kristin Neff: it’s, it’s, it’s a shame, it’s a tragedy and it’s still happening.
But we’re, we’re the ones who can change it with the next generation. So
JoAnn Crohn: yeah, and I’m hopeful too, my son, he is 10 and. He and his friends actually talk about their thoughts and my son is in therapy because I put him in therapy after COVID and after seeing some things, he and his friends all, they all have therapists and they talk about their therapists and I’m like, thank you, generation alpha.
You are going to save us all.
Dr. Kristin Neff: Yeah, really? Yeah, it’s
JoAnn Crohn: It’s going to be great. Well, what do you have coming up for you, Dr. Nash, that you’re really excited about?
Dr. Kristin Neff: i’m actually right now working on with my colleague chris grimmer who we developed something called the mindful self compassion program in for each connect if you want self compassion training you can take that But right now we’re working on a book for burnout. Actually, it’s going to be self Self compassion, emergency toolkit for burnout.
And the reason it’s kind of slow is I started it because I was feeling so burnt out. So it was, maybe it wasn’t the best timing, but but we’re doing it slow, but steady. That should be
Brie Tucker: Yeah.
Dr. Kristin Neff: year.
Yeah, so that’s exciting. And, you know, just building a community around people practicing self compassion through my website. So it’s, it’s really becoming a movement, a self compassion movement, and that’s just so lovely to
Brie Tucker: needs
JoAnn Crohn: needs to be well, thank you so much for joining us here I’ve loved talking to you and I can’t wait to read your next book
Dr. Kristin Neff: it’s been a pleasure. Thank you.
JoAnn Crohn: So I have to say this self compassion has really come in handy this past weekend because here at no guilt mom We have a big project going on and it’s causing just a lot of stress just because You put so much work into something and then you put something out in the world and you’re worried about how
Like, yeah, exactly.
And with all
that, it’s our baby. Yes. And because of the bigness of this, I’ve made a quite a few mistakes. admittedly, I sent an email to our community. Where it was four days early, and then I had to send an oops, I’m sorry, email. I’ve messed up stuff on sales pages. And I’m just stating this because after each of those mess ups, I had two ways I could have gone.
I could have been Oh my God, I suck. Why haven’t I been more careful? And that’s something that I would have gone down in the past, really
gotten into this part of self shame. But instead I was like, Oh my gosh, you’re dealing with so much right now, Joanne. This hurts you to make these mistakes. So many other people make these mistakes around you.
Let’s go comfort yourself. Let’s give yourself a hug. It is okay. Let’s keep going.
It has made all the difference. All
Brie Tucker: has and we resonate that in our team because we have a small team here at no guilt mom it’s two and a half soon to be three two and a half though right now of us
but I but one thing you are doing that if people aren’t aren’t seeing a video you put your hand over your chest when you’re all like you’re yeah over your heart when you’re like i’m I am struggling and I am hurting.
It’s there’s a lot going on and I think that that touch Is a huge factor because I know that again we talked about at the beginning of this episode that I struggle with not having the best self talk Not a lot of self compassion for myself for various reasons But I do find that that touch is what can help stop that and like, okay it it helps you kind of refocus to that and really hear the words and feel them.
So if you’re hearing this and you’re like, yeah, i’ve tried self talkdoesn’t always help. I’m not always very I I feel silly doing it try that touch. I really think that that’s super helpful. Where
JoAnn Crohn: and also I need to bring up something else here because I’ve known about self compassion for the past two years I think it was when I checked out the book self compassion at the library and I started reading it and i’m like, this is amazing
um that I That I started using it, but it never connected we talk a lot about The football player you have who’s used to playing all the games your football players your negative self talk and that quarterback is so So strong that when you look at this little bench warmer who hasn’t played so much, that’s your self compassion, your positivity, the football player easily like mows it down.
And it almost feels disingenuous to yourself when you start using the self compassion because your brain wants to fight it. This part of your brain that has been negative self talk for so long, it wants to fight it. fight it real hard, real hard. And I was never winning against it until I got diagnosed with severe anxiety.
And I started getting treated for severe anxiety. And then all of a sudden when I use self compassion, I’m able to quiet that football player down and really strengthen the bench warmer. So if for you, you’ve used it for a while after this podcast, think down the road, if you use it for a while and it’s really not looking working, I highly suggest you go to a medical professional and get evaluated because it has made so much of a difference in my life, being on the right treatment plan for anxiety.
And using the self compassion.
Brie Tucker: It’s a it’s a good deal
JoAnn Crohn: It’s a good, it’s a good duo. Yes, exactly. So remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.
Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by
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