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Podcast Episode 262: Why You Should Focus on Your BUT Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

Marielle Melling: okay I like want to be nice, but I am yelling at my kids all the time Right. And, and in this moment, that is my bottom underlying truth. It like my behavior is showing me that whatever I’m getting from this yelling is more important. So we meet that with compassion, with a lot of self compassion and we start to figure out, why am I yelling instead of just saying, okay, I’m going to stop yelling.

I’m going to stop it this time. I’m really going to stop yelling. Like we dig in and we find that insight into like, why am I actually yelling? Like my behavior is showing me that yelling, whatever I’m getting from that is more important. But when I’m up here in my head and when I’m making my decisions, my real bottom underlying truth is I really want a good relationship with my kids.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the wonderful Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker: Why, hello, hello, everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn: We’re going to get into it today in the podcast because there’s a lot of things with excuses and things we want, but we don’t really know that we want. it’s a bit of a complicated topic, but our guest today is Marielle Melling. And it is a good one, Brie.

Brie Tucker: It’s amazing. I would like to say that we’re taking back the word but in this episode. We’re taking it back. It’s not a bad thing.

JoAnn Crohn: Take it back the word but and before we get into it if we could just ask you can you share this episode? Just share it with whoever you feel in your life would benefit from it Whether it’s your hairstylist, whether it’s your next door neighbor, whether it’s your sister, whether it’s your friend Just share it all along because the more people that become no guilt moms The better like we can truly change the world once we get rid of this mom guilt

Brie Tucker: Yeah, and if you’re listening to this episode live when it drops, consider it a Mother’s Day gift to your friends, to the other mothers in your life, because they’re going to learn in this episode how to use but for good. How do you use butt 

JoAnn Crohn: Here we go. And with that intro, Mario Melli is the founder of Love and Life with Littles. She’s the author of Peace Admits the Mayhem and her upcoming new book, The Butt Book, releasing June 3rd, 2024. She helps parents simplify the hard stuff of motherhood so they have more calm, more. Stronger relationships with their kids and more joy. Mario is the busy mom to five kids ages five to 16. Now let’s talk about some butts. I hope you enjoy the show. 

Welcome Marielle to the podcast. we’re so happy to have you here, especially because you’ve been involved in so many of our summits and, this is your first podcast episode with us.

Marielle Melling: Yes. It’s about time. Thank you. I’m excited to be here with you guys. I love your show.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh, thank you. And we get to talk about your new book coming out called the butt book, which, I love saying it.

Marielle Melling: Yep.

JoAnn Crohn: Cause this is what you talk about in the summits that you’ve been in. Is this the butt principle? and it’s B U T for everybody listening. But of course my mind is that of a like fifth grade boy

Brie Tucker: I like big butt books and cannot lie.

Marielle Melling: Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: see? Everyone goes there. So can you describe for us, Marielle, what is the BUT principle?

Marielle Melling: Absolutely. Yes. So, my mom, when I was growing up, my mom always used to say, BUT stands for bottom underlying truth. And she would just say, pay attention to how you’re using this. what are you really saying? I love you, but you’re really annoying. is that really the message?

I love you, but the bottom underlying truth is you’re annoying. get away. is that really what we want to say? and so I just, I grew up with that. I thought about that a lot and it does, as soon as you hear that, honestly, it’ll stick with you. Right. And like, the next time you say, but you’ll be like, Ooh, but is that really my bottom underlying truth?

And as I like have thought about this, over the years, it has come to also represent like our actual bottom underlying truths, like those things that are really more important to us, because spoiler alert, some things are more important than others. And we can want a lot of things, but if we are aligned with what actually matters most to us, That’s where we find this really sweet sense of health and wholeness and happiness. So that is the Butt Principle in a nutshell, is really aligning ourselves with those bottom underlying truths. Those things that really matter most.

JoAnn Crohn: Absolutely, and I think of the phrase we say like I love you But it’s always because we’re trying to like couch the negative emotion and the negative feeling But that negative emotion and feeling tells so so much It’s pretty like comparison wise. Okay, close all your kids ears my husband likes to call it giving a sandwich because you like you put the good stuff at the beginning the like Negative kind of like improvement stuff in the middle and then the good stuff at the end, because that’s how we’ve been told to give feedback.

And it’s wrong. It is totally wrong because like you’re saying, Marielle, there is this bottom underlying truth that we are not talking about. So how could we use this bottom underlying truth when we know it’s there?

Marielle Melling: Yeah. So I think a huge part of it is like what you’re saying there, like understanding that it is representing a real way of thinking, right? that’s the way that we’re really feeling right now. And we use it first to like figure ourselves out, to really,get insight into why am I doing this?

Why am I feeling this way? Like we don’t just ignore those things like when we have that feedback like your husband’s saying like we don’t just ignore it We don’t just move on that’s not how we go through life and figure things out Instead we dig in and we’re like, okay I like want to be nice, but I am yelling at my kids all the time Right.

And, and in this moment, that is my bottom underlying truth. It like my behavior is showing me that whatever I’m getting from this yelling is more important. So we meet that with compassion, with a lot of self compassion and we start to figure out, okay, like, why am I yelling instead of just saying, okay, I’m going to stop yelling.

I’m going to stop it this time. I’m really going to stop yelling. Like we dig in and we find that insight into like, why am I actually yelling? Because my real bottom underlying truth. Like my behavior is showing me that yelling, whatever I’m getting from that is more important. But when I’m up here in my head and when I’m making my decisions, my real bottom underlying truth is I really want a good relationship with my kids.

I want this to feel like a safe place for them. Right? So we flip that. We say, I really. I’m frustrated. I keep yelling, but my bottom underlying truth is I want this to be a safe place for my kids. And then we dig in and we do the work of finding insight. Like how do I actually resolve those triggers?

How do I actually move forward? How do I actually align my habits and behaviors, right? Like we figure out some practical strategies and things like that. But that first part of it, of really finding clarity about what you really want. Because that’s hard. We can dig into that if you want. And then also like that self honesty of like, and I’m not doing it.

Like that’s the work that nobody can do for you. That’s the work nobody can do for you. And if you’re willing to do those two things, then the sky’s the limit. Like you can find the support and the help and insight and we can have strategies like sky’s the limit at that point, but that’s the work nobody can do for you.

JoAnn Crohn: It is incredibly hard. Like I’ve seen a lot of women go through it in our community. that yelling. Let’s take that yelling, for instance, because like you were going into it, there is something there. There is an unmet need somewhere in there. Like you could want the best relationship with your kids ever and give yourself such a hard time about yelling and losing it.

And yet nothing will change unless you figure out exactly why you’re yelling and losing it. Because A lot of us have been taught to push it down, push down those emotions. You like just put on this happy face, fake it till you make it and everything will be okay when.

Brie Tucker: because well, I think it comes along with the whole thought process that somehow you’re able to not have things get to you. And that’s not necessarily what it is. It’s not about not being able to have things, being able to not have things get to you. It’s about being able to regulate, right? Like being able to work through those things that are triggering you. 

JoAnn Crohn: Being able to also confront those things that are triggering you. I can tell you what happens when you try to not let things get to you. I had this huge blow up fight with my sister over a year ago, and it’s because I was ignoring all of this behavior from her, and she was ignoring all this behavior from me, and it ended up screaming at each other, cussing each other out, and not talking for three months. That’s what happens!

Marielle Melling: Yes. Yes.

JoAnn Crohn: have you had something in your life that really led you to this whole process of figuring out, Hey, there is something there that needs to be met.

Marielle Melling: I think for me, it’s like a lot of my learning, gratefully, has come through other people. Right? like looking at people and. And trying to figure out, I’ve had this fascination since, for as long as I can remember, what actually makes people happy? Like, what makes us tick? and so as I have seen people in their relationships and now coaching and being, intimately aware of what’s going on inside of women’s lives and their hearts, So often, those places where we feel triggered or whatnot is hurt.

Right? Is something, there’s some kind of belief that it makes us feel like, I have to fight back in this situation. And if I don’t handle that belief, if I don’t soothe that fear, if I just ignore it, like you’re saying, JoAnn, at some point, it’s going to come out. And it’s going to come out as a blow up or it’s going to come out as a autoimmune disease.

We have so many women who have like physical health challenges with emotional roots, right? And so I think a big piece of this work is, or this is the other way that it comes out, is a dissatisfied life. Right? That you’re looking around and you’re like,something is missing, and it’s because we’re not, being true to what is really inside of us. So I think we have this, it’s a, it’s both a cultural thing, unfortunately, right? Where society is telling us, be the good girl, be obedient, comply, follow this path, do 

Brie Tucker: Be grateful. 

Marielle Melling: be grateful, right? and I’m the first to tell you, I think we’re created for joy. Yes, but the way to be happy isn’t to pretend to be happy, right? That’s not the way to do it. Yes, and the way to be grateful is not to ignore reality, right? you can be deeply grateful and, acknowledge reality, right? So I think we have this cultural thing, and then we also have this. very innate human thing, it is easier to get along. Like we, we want

JoAnn Crohn: Don’t want to rock the boat.

Marielle Melling: We want to have strong relationships and we feel like if I, yeah, JoAnn, if I don’t rock the boat, then I’ll be able to get along. Then I’ll be able to attach. Then my parents will accept me. then all these thens. and so I think it’s both a cultural thing and an innate human thing that we kind of have to. Realize, confront, and get over in order to really be honest about what do I actually want. Cause then I can start to make it happen. 

JoAnn Crohn: I want to talk about what people may actually want and what kind of truths they may be hiding from themselves right after this. So a lot of the women I see, Mariel, they, they do have. A lot of trouble distinguishing what they want and I could say like for myself too When I was really trying to figure it out It was hard because like you said there’s so much messaging from society to tell us what we should have like I remember when my daughter was younger I’m, like well, I have this great daughter and I get to stay home with my like baby boy And you know I get to don’t have to worry about money because my husband’s working and yet there was like this Thing inside of me where I was just so freaking mad, so mad and looking around me, I was like, well, you should be happy, JoAnn. You should 

Marielle Melling: that should be. Yep. Yep. Yep.

JoAnn Crohn: and yet there’s this feeling. And I think so many women have this feeling too. what have you seen?

Marielle Melling: Yeah, absolutely. So I think it’s really important first off to address that with self compassion, because often when you’re like, I should be happy, that first thing is like, why am I not happy? Something is wrong with me. Right. Oh, but. We know from research, when we do that, when we start shaming ourselves, we just spiral.

It is not a good place to learn, it is not a good place to grow, it is not a good place to, feel happy, right? All those things that we want. So instead, when we first meet ourselves with compassion, we have that realization. We say, hey, It’s okay. It’s okay to be human. And I love this saying, The happiest humans are happy being human.

Right? The full spectrum. All of the emotions. All of the things. The messiness. I am here for it. It’s okay. So, having that I think is a, the first thing. And then I think we learn a lot about ourselves when we Understand more about humans. So, for example, we have these innate needs for health and happiness and I like to list them as nutrition, like what we eat, like to survive, and energy, all those things, right?

So, nutrition, movement, rest. Purpose, progress, play, connection, that’s a connection with ourselves, connection with other people, connection with spirituality, a sense of something bigger than us. And then all of that is under safety, survival, both physical and emotional safety and survival, right? So when we look at our lives, we can often say, okay, what is missing?

And sometimes for a lot of us, especially as moms, or when we’ve got these young kids, maybe we’re missing a sense of connection. Right? Maybe we’re lonely in our day to day. Maybe we’re missing a sense of purpose because we have this calling in us to do something. That influences for good and some people feel that hugely in raising kids and I would argue a lot of times we miss the purpose because maybe we’re not hearing it enough from culture.

But when you’re changing a diaper, when you’re providing a meal, like just think about how you would feel if you were doing that at an orphanage. This is what I often tell moms, right? If you were doing that same work at an orphanage, you’d be feeling really good about yourself. But because it’s like expected, it sometimes doesn’t feel as fulfilling. So one, recognize the purpose that you actually are already fulfilling. And then to think about how do I. How do I find purpose,and meaning in my life, and is there some way else that I can be serving? It’s often that piece of, like, serving is where we find a lot of fulfillment. So that can help. start with that self compassion, and then maybe what’s missing? what else can I bring in, or adjust, or beliefs, mindsets, as well as, practices to, to better fulfill those needs?

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, that’s a good point, like the whole, thinking that it’s, If you were doing the same action in an orphanage, you would have this sense of purpose. You’d be like, Oh, I’m helping others. I’m, I’m doing all of these things. there, there are like certain aspects of ourselves that are fulfilled by achievement too.

And it’s so interesting, the messages like we’re getting right now, because it used to be like, achievement was a good thing. And now achievement is like being looked at as This bad thing, I don’t know if you see it happening too, but this book I’m reading right now, Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima, she mentions how a lot of us feel that when we get to a certain point in life, when we reach a certain goal, when we like, our kids do something well, when our business grows, if we like get married, if we reach like a goal weight, like all those things, we think that we’re going to feel happy and purposed and fulfilled when we get there. But that’s rarely the case because you get there and you’re still you. You’re still have this sense of the same feelings, like nothing really has changed.

Brie Tucker: well, it’s that thought process, right? If I just had this, I’d be happy. I feel like we’re constantly in our society always looking for that magic wand, that magic pill. if I just could fix this one piece. I’d be happy. And, like you were saying, it’s so much, it’s so much more than that a lot of times, which can be overwhelming and daunting, and then you’re like, well, F it, why should I try?

JoAnn Crohn: Yes, but with the achievement thing it was like i’m one of those people I want achievement I thrive off of achievement. I thrive actually i’m realizing now the more I do it I thrive going after something. I don’t so much thrive as getting the something. Do you know?  like I always need to It’s yeah, you’re totally right. That is it. It’s the progress and it’s the growth that comes from going after something Versus getting it that’s taken me a long time to realize that’s what I like Yeah

Marielle Melling: we look at okay, the wisdom of the ages, what kinds of progress are going to lead to fulfilling health and happiness? Right? you’re very capable. You’re very, like, I know you, you’re an achiever. You could really go after and do whatever you want. So when you sit down and do this work on purpose, you’re going to say, okay, in this but principle, what are those most important things that I want to go after?

And you’re going to use that. to then set your goals and set your achievements. So that like, and I think part of it is recognizing the progress that we’re making. Yes, it’s a check mark but really the deeper the bottom underlying truth is like who am I becoming along the way? Because if I lose touch with me, if I like build all these poor habits in order to achieve, it’s going to feel good for a little bit.

But that bottom underlying truth is at the end of the day. If I’m becoming along the way the person that I really want to be and I don’t ever achieve, I’m still going to be happier and healthier than if I had gone after something else.

JoAnn Crohn: I think that’s an important distinction because I do see a lot of people who succeed when like external supports are provided for them For instance, if they’re in a specific program where like they have like a group that meets every week And then they have this great progress in the group But all of a sudden the group’s taken away and they revert back to their old selves They are looking to this external means, the group, versus what they did themselves to become a better person.

And it’s so hard to make that mindset shift that it’s not so much what’s around you that makes you happy and fulfilled. It’s within you that makes you happy and fulfilled. And that’s a hard thing to cultivate.

Marielle Melling: It is. It is. So another way that, that I often see this as women who are looking at like a weight loss, for example. Right. and there’s this nuance, right? if I’m honest, anybody could say, I want to lose weight. I want to be this ideal weight. But if you’re really honest, what do you really want? Most likely you actually really want to feel comfortable in your skin.

JoAnn Crohn: Mm hmm.

Marielle Melling: and if you happen to be the ideal weight at the same time, yeah, great. But what you really want is getting to feel totally I’m me. I just, it’s okay to be me. I am worthy being me, whatever that me looks like.

Right. So it’s figuring out, okay, that’s what I want more. then I’m going to have to do that work and when you do that work, that bottom work, it’s really cool, right? Your mindset shifts and all of a sudden you’re doing the work because you like yourself, not because it’s a punishment and we already talked about what shame does, right?

Like it’s not good. So now instead you’re eating because it’s fulfilling and because you enjoy it and you have this like more joy along the way and you’re also Side note, going to be in the position to make decisions where you are feeling more whole and healthy and happy. Those decisions are more aligned, more from our prefrontal cortex, right?

So that’s our forward thinking brain that’s able to say, Hey, I like this and I like this in moderation. So I’m going to choose to eat this. And I’m going to choose to eat this in moderation because I like me. and it just like, when you have that bottom, What really I want more is to be comfortable being me, to be worthy being me.And when you work on that belief and that mindset, it makes the other stuff easier along the way.

JoAnn Crohn: I think that the weight loss is such a great, thing to look at when you’re looking at this kind of principle, because so many women do get stuck in this, kind of trap of, Oh my gosh, I need to lose weight to be accepted as a person. I need to lose weight before I do this. I need to lose weight before I do that.

And that’s part of the culture we’re in, but it’s also part of this learning to accept yourself and doing this underlying work. So I really want to find out what this underlying work looks like right after this. Okay, so when you’re looking at doing this underlying work, say in terms of weight loss, what would you focus on instead of just saying I’m going to track all my food, I’m going to see how many calories I get in per day. What’s like the more important work to do?

Marielle Melling: Yeah. the, I think the most important work and this is like step one and what I call the path of progress, right? the life on purpose pathway. Step one is really to get that clarity is to say, we can want a lot of things when it comes to our weight. if we just use this one specific example, we can want a lot of things.

yeah. And we almost prioritize those. Like, what do I want most? Because we can want a lot of things, but we want to make sure that we’re doing it in a way that we’re not sacrificing what we want most. Right. It’s the same thing, like relationship with our kids. I can really want to be heard and that’s okay.

I want to be heard. Everybody should be heard as a person. Right. So I’m thinking about this work as a mom, like I can want to be heard, but I don’t want to do that at the sacrifice. of our relationship, right? So, so when we really, get clarity on what we want most, then we can start to say, okay, I’m gonna get these things, making sure that my eye is on number one.

so with that, Like looking at the weight example, it’s finding that clarity. How do I want to be in relationship to me, to my body? And it’s really just creating that vision. And if you don’t have that yet, look at somebody who feels really comfortable, who you say is like exuding that light. That’s dude, they’re comfortable being themselves and ask them, what does that feel like?

Is it like, do you ever doubt yourself? Do you just like have conversations and really paint that picture for what you really want that relationship with your body to be like? And then get really honest and say, okay, this is what I really want most, but bottom underlying truth, what my behavior is showing right now is I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to show up as me. Or I am afraid of food. Like I am afraid that if I eat this, I’m going to get fat. And then I’m going to do this. And then I’m going to do that. And I have all this thing and you start just list out what I call but statements. Like I want this, but, and these are all the things that are getting in the way of it.

And then you look for insight about each of those things. And that process, depending on what your list is, can be, long and in depth. Right. But you’re looking at, okay, why am I afraid of food? Where did that message come from? Why do I feel like I’m not enough by myself? Where did that message come from?

 once you get that insight so that your mindset is in the right place, because that’s where our behavior comes from, right? It comes from our beliefs. It comes from those internal things, from those subconscious things that we’re not even thinking about that just keep popping up.

And those are our mindsets and our That’s our beliefs and our habits. That’s what pops up when we’re tired, when we’re like, when we’re stressed, exactly. It’s that autopilot. Yep. So we dig into those and find insight about those. 

JoAnn Crohn: it’s so interesting because that is what drives everything. when we talk about the word self sabotage, which I have a very hard time identifying sometimes what self sabotage is, but self sabotage it’s those beliefs you have about yourself.

That’ll stop you from doing what you want to do. those beliefs that weight loss, this one pops up a lot and, It popped up a lot for me too was I am a bad person who needs to control herself around food Like me eating too much food means like I have no self control and control was such a big thing It was such a big thing. And where did I get that message? I saw all the women in my life growing up be so concerned about their 

Marielle Melling: meet that honesty with compassion, always meet that honesty with compassion.

JoAnn Crohn: always but I mean that You That version of myself was always thinking food is bad and calories are bad. And even now today, like I will catch myself looking at a restaurant menu.

And the first thing I look at is if those calories are listed right next to the dish and which one has the least amount of calories and which one should I pick because it has the least amount of calories and not because I really want it. Like I could catch myself in there now. And I’m like, Hold up 

Marielle Melling: Wait a minute. 

JoAnn Crohn: Like, I really don’t want this thing. I want this over here and I’m gonna go for that over there. But it’s such a tricky thing because your mind operates on autopilot. And unless you really dig into it, you have no idea what’s going on.

Marielle Melling: Yeah, absolutely. And there’s a lot of subconscious happening, like, all the time, right? and I go into this deeper in the book, but even as far as, what we notice. like for example, the fact that you notice the calories on the menu, that’s a subconscious pull that has you look at that other, another person might look at that exact same menu and then you’d be talking about after and be like, Oh, the calories were on there.

Oh, I didn’t even notice. Right. that’s legitimately from what we noticed to our emotions, like there’s so much happening subconsciously and it’s waking up to like, how well do I want to know myself?do I really want to know myself? Right. cause if I do, some of that’s going to be hard.

It’s going to be hard to face those fears. It’s going to be hard to face like what maybe we didn’t have our needs met in the past. and sometimes it’s hard to face also the reality that like, I can be immensely happy. I can be immensely successful. Let’s that is scary for some people if they’ve seen it crash and burn maybe, or, like everything that all of that can be hard.

JoAnn Crohn: Also, I mean, you talk about change. So a hard thing about when you change yourself is that the people around you, some of them don’t change and some of those relationships therefore don’t 

Brie Tucker: and you don’t and you’re scared to let go of them. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: That’s the scary thing. I’ve had that happen in the past with friends where I was changing and they were just pulling back and it was like, Oh, well this sucks, but here we go.

Marielle Melling: Yeah. Yeah. You get to decide is it worth it? Like that person that I really wanna be, is it worth it? and typically if it’s, if it’s aligned with that person, again, that person that you really wanna be, it is worth it. It’s worth it.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. So tell us about your book coming out, Marielle.

Marielle Melling: how to really do life on purpose, kind of an inspiration to do it on purpose and then shows you how, so it walks. through, a little bit of the pathway that I talked about today, really finding clarity about who we want to be and then getting honest about, okay, is my life aligned with that?

If not, how, it provides insight about some of the things, some of those beliefs that we hold that make it really hard to change beliefs like I’m not worthy, beliefs that this is going to be too hard. This is going to be too painful. And I love that section of the book. I get to tell some really heartfelt stories of incredible people who were really willing to face some hard stuff and then, come out on the other side of it to joy and how to really find those bottom underlying truths that help us overcome some of those hard beliefs.

And then the last part of the book is the, Really strategy research backed ways to implement change, right? How do we actually interrupt old habit loops and provide a little window to create something new in our lives? And then how do we like create those new habits and live with intention? So that’s the, that’s it in a nutshell. And I’m pretty excited. 

JoAnn Crohn: That is awesome. And thank you so much for coming on. This was a fabulous conversation and we’ll talk to you soon.

Marielle Melling: Thanks.

JoAnn Crohn: I like these conversations because a lot of our excuses really lie in, our habits and our beliefs and what we think of ourselves and like what we think is true, but isn’t true. that’s something we work in balance all the time, especially in our phase five. what are we thinking we have to do, but really isn’t even aligned with what we actually value.

Brie Tucker: right, right. And that’s like a huge thing that we talked about in this episode and like you just said that we talk a lot about in, in balance is like a lot of times when you’re struggling, it’s because you don’t even realize that you’re going against something that you value. Right? those values are important and they will bring up the biggest butts known to man. I’m just going to keep throwing butt into this episode as

JoAnn Crohn: But, it’s a fun thing to say. It’s a fun thing to say. the way I notice it the most is when, you think you should do something. should, quotation mark, should do something. And you don’t want to do it, but yet, because you think you should do it, you’re like, forcing yourself to do it. And then all this anger comes up when you try to do it.

I think of that all the time when it comes to, like, Uh, volunteering at my kids school, for instance. I think I should do it, but I don’t want to. I have a full workday. I need to concentrate on my full workday. And then it’s like, JoAnn, what about the kids? Don’t you want them to have a good experience? Yes, I absolutely do. That is why 

Brie Tucker: and you know what? There are people that those values are fulfilling for them. Like I, yeah, I’m ha, it’s funny you brought up the volunteering thing because I just had that happen with a friend of mine. And Both of our kids are in band, marching band in high school, and she is way more involved in her freshman’s marching band than I am in my son, who is a junior going into senior year of marching band.

And she’s like, are you going to this meeting? That mean? I’m all like, there’s a meeting? huh? Yeah. No. And I was like, I feel so bad that I don’t volunteer in it. But at the same time. That’s not what my values are. My values are that I’m there to support him and all the other stuff that I wouldn’t be able to do if I was cutting out to go do all that volunteering.

So I, so I’m just saying, I hear ya. I have that struggle in my head all the time of that. You’re not being a good mom. You’re not being supportive. You’re not doing everything that they’re asking. I’m like, dude, I got to make the money to pay the fees if you guys want him to do this.

JoAnn Crohn: Exactly. The other thing I get is food, like preparing food, especially preparing dinner. Like I feel like I should be cooking things from scratch. And if I don’t cook them from scratch, then I’m exposing my kids to all these chemicals that are so bad for them. And how dare I, and I’m not a good mom because you know what I just discovered, Pri?

The joy that comes from Trader Joe’s. Trader Joe’s. Is amazing. Like I found this list on Buzzfeed of all of these meals you can make using four ingredients or less from Trader Joe’s and it’s all delicious. And actually, if you look at the back of Trader Joe’s, like their ingredients packs, it’s all real food on there.

It’s not like all these chemicals and preservatives. So that’s going for me there, but somehow I feel guilty. For example. Kung Pao Chicken. It’s taking their freezer Kung Pao Chicken, their freezer Asian style vegetables, and mixing it with their, noodles, their, lo mein noodles that you can get off the shelf that, like, all you have to do is put those noodles in a pot of boiling water for a minute.

They’re done. Mixing it together, it’s Kung Pao Chicken! It’s incredibly tasty. My kids like it and yet I’m like, Oh, I’m such a bad mom. Look at a little lack of effort that went into this meal when I don’t have time to do the meals. Bri, I just don’t

Brie Tucker: we don’t, you know what, we have an amazing episode about this, episode 253, I’m going to put a link of that here in the show notes so you can click to that episode too, because yeah, like we, it’s a fallacy that we’ve been told that we have to do everything and that you should feel bad if you’re taking shortcuts on things, no, again.

It’s about, I, you know what? I’m smelling a podcast episode. I’m writing a podcast episode about these values because that is a huge deal. It’s a huge thing. So, so going back to the, going back to Muriel’s book, if you love this episode and you’re like, I need the butt book. I need the butt book. Uh, we have a link.

JoAnn Crohn: a butt book too.

Brie Tucker: Yes. because, you know, you want a book about butts, uh, we, we have a link in the show notes below. it’s coming out in June, 2024. So you can pre order that if you’re listening to this live later on, the link will send you straight to purchase it. So there you go.

JoAnn Crohn: So remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.

Brie Tucker

COO/ Podcast Producer at No Guilt Mom
Brie Tucker has over 20 years of experience coaching parents with a background in early childhood and special needs. She holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Central Missouri and is certified in Positive Discipline as well as a Happiest Baby Educator.

She’s a divorced mom to two teenagers.

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