1:00AM Toddler wakes up. You walk into his room to find him standing in his crib. When you lay him down, he starts his banshee wail which you are positive half the neighborhood can hear. You start singing and within five minutes he starts falling asleep.
1:10AM Toddler is asleep.
1:11AM Toddler sits straight up in his crib. You lay him down and start over again. Repeat 5 times.
2:00AM Toddler is asleep. You sneak quietly back to your room.
4:00AM Toddler is crying again. You nudge husband awake. Tell him, “Your turn”
4:02AM Husband brings toddler into your room. Tells you nothing could be done. The baby only wants you.
4:03AM Toddler snuggles next to you. Ahhh! One blissful moment. Then, toddler sticks finger in your belly button. Toddler grabs your nipple. Toddler kicks his feet against your body. You think that he just needs time to calm down.
4:30AM Toddler has still not fallen asleep. Must be teething related. Give toddler some Tylenol.
5:00AM Toddler asleep.
6:30AM You need to pee. Try to gently disentangle yourself from toddler. As you are closing the bathroom door, you hear toddler scream. He’s noticed you are gone. You stay in bathroom 30 minutes longer than necessary. Your husband can handle this.
8:30AM Husband kisses you good-bye. Toddler is screaming. Five-year-old is watching another episode of Care Bears. Husband says, “Have a good day?”. You offer to go to work and he stay home. Hubby quickly vanishes out the door.
9:00AM You get the kids out of the house. You go to the zoo, grocery shopping, picnic in the park, shopping for new shoes for the five-year-old, wait in line at the DMV to change your address, drop off items at Goodwill, wash the car, hit up library storytime, feed starving children in China and gas up the car.
2:00PM Time for the toddler’s nap. Lay down on the bed with toddler. Five-year-old comes into bedroom because she can’t figure out the TV. You tell her to wait. Toddler wakes up and adds to conversation, “Eh?”. Reaffirm to five-year-old to wait. Mortally offend five-year-old who stomps to her room and slams the door.
2:20PM Toddler asleep. You hear five-year-old try opening the door of her room. Door is stuck. Five-year-old starts imagining she’ll be trapped in her room forever. Starts freaking out. “MOMMMEEEE!”, she cries. “MOMMEEEEE!’
2:21PM Toddler wakes up.
2:22PM Mommy meltdown. You leave now screaming toddler, abruptly open five-year-old’s door and snap at her for slamming it. You take a time out in your own room.
2:25PM Sit kids in front of TV to watch “Yo Gabba Gabba” while you find your secret stash of Talenti Salted Carmel gelato. Eat stealthily behind them. The chocolate caramel cups are making you feel much better. Text best friend, tell her kids are driving you insane. She admits to locking herself in the bathroom today to regroup. Breathe sigh of relief. Every one else is having a rough time with this parenting gig too. Try some other cures for mommy meltdowns.
6:00PM Husband comes home. You pour yourself a nice glass of wine. He takes kids for an hour so you can have quiet time. Feel much better by the time bathtime and bedtime kisses. Five-year-old gives you good night kiss and tells you she loves you. Toddler drifts peacefully asleep. After venting to your husband about your day, you cuddle up next to him and fall alseep watching a Hulu episode of SNL.
Tomorrow is another day.