Podcast Episode 387: Fighting Siblings, Sticky Counters, and a Heat Wave: Is This Normal Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn (00:01)

Sibling fighting for sport, I can attest I did that. There’s a dopamine hit when you go and you antagonize your sibling. I still do it to my sister on occasion. You can get a lot of laughs out of making your sibling very, very angry and upset.

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker. We are in the throes of summer right now and Brie and I both have teens or soon to be a teen in the case of my 12 year old. But you remember those days when the kids were little and they were fighting with each other nonstop.

Brie Tucker (00:24)

Hello hello, but how are you?

Wait a minute, when they were little? I they’re not supposed to fight as teens? like, mine- Over the dumbest crap too. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (00:47)

Still fight.

It’s true. It’s OK. So like, let’s get into that. Like, what’s the dumb crap that kids at teens find about?

Brie Tucker (00:58)

Okay, so like we have a chore in our house. have the empty the dishwasher, right? When they lived here every other week, it was like, okay, put away one section of dishwasher. Cause in my vision, there’s three sections. There’s the top rack, bottom rack and the silverware. And now the answer is I need you guys to put away the dishwasher and they fight about where exactly that line of 50, 50 chore goes because they bring it out by section. So.

They will literally fight about who got there first, who gets to put away which section, who doesn’t need to put away anymore. The other thing they were fighting about the other day, I was like, I need all the glasses for the dish. The dishwasher is a problem with teens. I’m realizing that.

JoAnn Crohn (01:41)

my gosh, the dishwasher’s a problem for every, every single household.

Brie Tucker (01:44)

Then there was glasses sitting in their common bathroom that they use and neither of them will fess up to it. So neither of them will bring them down. And like every time it’s just yelling at each other. And I’m like, I am so done. I am so done.

JoAnn Crohn (01:57)

The fairness, the fairness among kids is such an extreme issue. They want to be treated exactly the same and they want the other to do just as much work as they have to do.

Brie Tucker (02:10)

Right? And God forbid they think that one of the kids is getting special treatment. That was when they were little up to now.

JoAnn Crohn (02:17)

I mean, I was just having a discussion with my daughter who’s not even home right now. She’s like all the way across the country. And I was telling her something that was happening. And she’s like, you know, mom, when I was that age, she was like four and a half years ago, hold it yourself. When I was that age, you would not have let me skip out on that. Yeah. I’m like, no, this is different person, different needs, different situation. Yeah. It drives you absolutely crazy as a

Brie Tucker (02:45)

I’m Trying not to cry because I would have laughed so hard. Yeah, yeah, it’s ridiculous. So our point is, sibling fighting happens no matter what the age is, but it is different at different stages. And it does get easier to curb as they get older.

JoAnn Crohn (02:49)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (03:04)

But because you’re like, you tell one of them, you’re like, leave the house. Go.

Brie Tucker (03:09)

That’s it, go Run erronds for me. Here’s the to the car. It happens a lot during the summers, because I just feel like everybody’s around each other more. We have less structure. It’s hot outside. And when your kids are young and you can’t just say, here’s the keys to the car, go somewhere else because your fighting is driving me nuts. You’re the one who’s stuck at half the deal. 

JoAnn Crohn (03:31)

Dealing with it all.

Yep. In this episode, we’re going to give you some tips on how to curb that sibling fighting. We also have something that’s going to help you out. It’s our sibling adventure missions. We created this a few years ago when our kids were these ages. It works best for kids six to 10. And sometimes the problem in these sibling fights is that they don’t have a reason to cooperate. They don’t have a fun reason to cooperate.

It’s better if they just go against each other. And so these sibling adventure missions, you like give them a mission and they have to solve it together. And it’s really promotes the kindness between them. Go grab it, pick it up. It is only $29 and you could like print it immediately and give it to your kids. Like within the hour. It’s no guilt mom.com forward slash sibling. Go grab it and like tell us what you think of it because it has helped me and Brie out so much in our own lives when our kids were that age. Yes. So

Without further ado, you’re going to get so much more in this episode. So let’s get on with the show.

You want mom life to be easier. That’s our goal too. Our mission is to raise more self-sufficient and independent kids. We’re going to have fun doing it. We’re going to help you delegate and step back. Each episode, we’ll tackle strategies for positive discipline, making our kids more responsible and making our lives better in the process. Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast.

JoAnn Crohn (05:06)

So over the summer, it is a new Bried of parental torture that happens, especially if you are the parent who is home with your kids over the summer. know like I was when I was a teacher, you get the summers off while that allows for a little more flexibility. It also means like you’re the default parent and you’re the one who now has these kids out of routine wanting to be at each other’s throat board. So I mean, sibling fighting for sport, I could attest I did that. 

Brie Tucker (05:39)

I love that, sibling fighting for sport. “I’m bored, I think I’m going to start a fight!” I think they actually do go through that thought process.

JoAnn Crohn (05:47)

 Actually, there’s a dopamine kick when you go and you antagonize your sibling. I still do it to my sister on occasion. I won’t take it so far. As I’ve noticed as I’ve grown, I developed a little bit of emotional maturity and I can tell I’m really a little bit, a little bit.

And I can tell if I’m going too far in some antagonizing. So I do step it back, but sibling fighting for sports, a real thing. can get a lot of laughs out of making your sibling very, very angry and upset. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (06:15)

my god. Yes. And it’s just the crap that they get into and the differences of the summer. It’s ridiculous. We were already talking about our dishwasher problem, which that’s another thing that irritates me during the summer. I don’t know about you, but we’re running our dishwasher like five times as much as normal. It’s again, everybody is home and it’s like, you can never get ahead of anything.

JoAnn Crohn (06:34)

Because people are home

Brie Tucker (06:41)

Like, all right, I just cleaned off all the kitchen counters. Next day, I put my coffee mug down and when I pick it up, goes, and I’m like, okay, what got spilled on the counter that is now on the box? Is it, it looks like sap. How did sap get in my kitchen? It’s not sap. I know it’s not logically. And then also on my end, nobody will fess up to it.

JoAnn Crohn (06:57)

Yeah.

They may not even be aware they did it. We may have just figured out the dishwasher issue. And I say may because it has worked now for the past three days. Three days. Because you came over to my house yesterday and you’re like, wow, it’s actually cleaner in this kitchen than it usually is. ⁓

Brie Tucker (07:22)

You said it looked nice. It

looks cleaner. But it look very nice. It looked very uncluttered.

JoAnn Crohn (07:30)

Yeah, because usually the dishes are stacked up on the counter because it is the never ending who’s going to fold first between my kids. Since one unloads the dishwasher and one loads the dishwasher, there’s always a time lag in there. And since my daughter is out of town, we had to figure out, okay, well, she’s not here to unload the dishwasher. What are we going to do? And we started this new system where everyone now is responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher.

every single person in the house, which is pretty easy to maintain accountability because you know which dishes you used. You know which dishes everyone else used. So if someone’s is on there, you’re like, hey, dude, that’s yours. You need to put it in. So that’s the first thing that’s awesome about it. And then my son is completely in charge of running the dishwasher when it’s full. But here’s the little natural consequence put in, which we didn’t think of before, is that

When two people are in charge of unloading and unloading the dishwasher, so taking siblings, for example, if you’re having the sibling fight, there will always be one person who benefits from not doing their job. In this situation, it was always my daughter because if she didn’t unload the dishwasher, we had to keep opening up the dishwasher to get out clean dishes, meaning that the more she delayed, the less dishes she would have to put away. And the more dishes would pile up on the counter,

for my son to then load. That’s starting the fight. That’s sneaky, right? And she doesn’t do it on purpose, but she did it because she’s like, there’s no reason for her to stop her behavior other than it’s pissing everyone else off. And I don’t really think she cares if she pisses her brother off. That’s again, sibling fighting for sport. So she’s away right now. All of us are putting it in. And then it’s my son’s job to unload the dishwasher. Now here’s the natural consequence.

Brie Tucker (09:00)

God, that’s sneaky.

JoAnn Crohn (09:26)

If he doesn’t unload the dishwasher, we don’t have spaces to put our plates, me and my husband, nor does he. That means that the dishes will start stacking up on the counter and it is his responsibility to load those dishes on his own into the dishwasher once he unloads it. So there is a built-in natural consequence with, hey, I don’t want to have to load everyone’s dishes into the dishwasher. I better get this dishwasher unloaded so that everyone else has to do their job.

Brie Tucker (09:55)

True, that’s a really good way to do that.

JoAnn Crohn (09:57)

I’ll let you know how it works out. All right. And then we’re going to stack the rest of the chores, by the way. So like my husband was in charge of hand washing. That’s now going to go to my daughter because we’re like, you have to learn this. You’re going to be out on your own. And then my husband’s going to put away all the hand wash. And then I don’t have to do dishes anymore. I don’t have to touch it because I do the meals. I cook meals. So why hand washing?

Brie Tucker (10:21)

Hand washing of dishes. I just heard hand washing and you’re like my husband is being charged of it and I’m like.

JoAnn Crohn (10:27)

⁓

hand washing up dishes. Yes.

Brie Tucker (10:29)

Was he like the hand washing patrol person that was like that wasn’t that wasn’t 30 seconds. Get your hands back in there was some more soap.

JoAnn Crohn (10:37)

Those dishes that cannot be washed in the dishwasher.

Brie Tucker (10:41)

That is a good skill for somebody to have.

JoAnn Crohn (10:43)

So yeah, so just know that hearing this, the chaos is real. It’s real in both Brie and my houses.

Brie Tucker (10:49)

And we- It was realer when they were younger.

JoAnn Crohn (10:51)

He was a little realer when they were younger.

Brie Tucker (10:54)

I’m trying to think during the summers. Yeah, there were fights about everything.

JoAnn Crohn (11:02)

And they usually happen in the afternoon when everyone was tired. It was like, can we go to this place? we can’t go to this place because your brother is tired right now and doesn’t want to go. That’s the other thing. When one sibling wants to do something but the other sibling isn’t cooperating so that you know as a parent that this is going to be a miserable experience if you go and do this thing. And so you’re like, no. ⁓ yeah. And then that starts a fight.

Brie Tucker (11:26)

The important thing to take from this part of our podcast is that, you know, chaos happens over the summer. Chaos just happens. Like we said, kids are home longer. They don’t have their regular routine that they have for like nine months out of the year. of course they’re going to have trouble with being home all the time. Sleep schedules get all messed up. Mealtimes get messed up. No matter how much you plan. And this is taken from someone and Joanne can attest to this for sure.

I love to plan. We just had a conversation about that. I love to plan. So I am always planning to try to figure out how to get ahead of the meltdowns. But the truth of the fact is you’re never going to be able to get ahead of the meltdowns 100%.

JoAnn Crohn (12:12)

No, you can’t control it. It’s not you.

Brie Tucker (12:14)

yeah, and if there’s one thing that pisses me off more than anything that makes me grumpy, is it being hot. And I think like yesterday it was like 114 here in Phoenix. So the summer brings it and it brings it strong.

JoAnn Crohn (12:27)

Yeah, so right after this, we’re going to dig into those specific reasons why summer feels so unhinged. And I’m going to share with you something from our coaching session that came up this morning with that advice that other people tell you where it’s like, they’re fighting now, everything will be fine, and how this does not help you whatsoever. So we’re going to get into that right after this. So in coaching this morning. And coaching is something we do every Wednesday in our balance program. Balance members attend, they bring up personal challenges, and I help them figure out ways around them or figure out ways to feel better about them. And so this personal challenge came about this feeling of control you’re talking about, Yeah. How it’s out of your control the feelings of another person. And the example I’m going to use is not sibling related, but it is adjacent to what we’re talking about. Okay. This mom, drop her child, her son off at summer camp and he did not want to go. He was crying. He was upset. And at drop off, he was talking to the counselor and she was nervous as well. She’s like, I just don’t feel good being there all the time, not being there for him if he needs something or whatever.

Brie Tucker (13:38)

It’s scary when your kid goes away for the first time,

JoAnn Crohn (13:41)

yeah, it’s totally scary. And this other mom next to her said, they’ll be fine. And she’s like thinking to herself, OK, I know this. I know logically they’ll be fine, but that doesn’t help me in my current scenario or how I am feeling. And I think it’s the same for the sibling fight thing. Like you’re going to get everyone telling you, it’s normal for siblings to fight. They’ll be fine. But you still feel like crap inside. You still like.

Those emotional needs for you

Brie Tucker (14:13)

because like, first of all, there’s the embarrassment factor. Let’s just roll straight into that. There’s the embarrassment factor that your kids are fighting. And no matter where you’re at, you’re going to see kids that are fighting and kids that are not. And it’s something about our, maybe, I don’t know. It’s the one where like, because you’re looking for something, see what you’re looking for.

JoAnn Crohn (14:32)

A negativity bias?

The selection, is called the RTS. It is the system in your brain that is constantly going on autopilot. And so when you notice something like seeing like a Ford Focus on the road or you’re shopping for a Ford Focus, then all of a sudden you see all the Ford Focuses, but it’s like selection. But I know what you’re talking about and no podcast line. You want to correct us on that? Please email us because we’ll be like digging ourselves. Hello at no guilt mom dot com. Yes.

Brie Tucker (15:04)

Now you know, we literally are just chatting about these episodes. So I feel like when you’re looking for kids that are getting along, no matter where you’re at, you’re gonna see the kids that are getting along and you’re gonna be like, why can’t my kids do that? I bet their family is so together. I bet they do like family game nights all the time and they have every meal together. And that it’s probably like, you go into this thought process of all the things that you’re not accomplishing during the summer with your kids and you feel like…

even though you don’t even know who those kids’ parents are, that that mother is secretly judging you somewhere. Have you ever done that?

JoAnn Crohn (15:38)

not in particular, but I have, I can’t think of a scenario like my two nephews, they’re the best playmates to each other. They love on each other. They’re like, including each other and games and stuff. They don’t really fight. And when I see them together, I’m like, first of all, I love the two of them so much. But there’s also this little back voice in my head being like, my gosh, I must be doing something wrong as a parent. And I teach parenting, how are my kids like not getting along with each other? What are, what am I doing wrong? But

From seeing so many kids and working with so many families, that situation of having siblings get along so well is more rare than it is common. And it’s not anything that my brother and sister-in-law are doing differently. These two kids just have a natural, I don’t want to say affection, because like my kids have affection for each other, but they have like a natural like, just affinity for each other. They just totally love spending time with each other.

Brie Tucker (16:35)

Yeah. And I think there’s a lot of pieces to that too, that like it comes and goes. And it’s interesting because you and I have two different, kind of like family makeups, right? You and I both have two kids. However, my kids are 15 months apart, so they are very close in age. So they have pretty much always gone through their developmental milestones, very close to each other. And yours are further apart. So I think that kind of like shows, even though my kids are really close together in age.

and had a lot of similarities in their playing interests at those times, they still had a lot of times that they were fights.

JoAnn Crohn (17:13)

They do do some stuff together, Brie, like the thing they just order together. They do do that together. Brie is rolling Her eyes at the situation.

Brie Tucker (17:24)

⁓ My kids ordered something they weren’t supposed to and I circumvented the package by accident in the mail ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (17:31)

We’re like siblings working together.

Brie Tucker (17:34)

my god, yeah. I have to say in that moment, I was kind of happy they were defending each other.

Brie Tucker (17:43)

It’s wrong what you did, but I do love that you guys are being their solidarity going on here. So I’m telling you, they may fight constantly when they’re younger. Eventually, they will probably get along.

JoAnn Crohn (17:57)

Yeah, I’m seeing my kids get along as they get older too. I mean, I always look at siblings and the first question I ask when I’m coaching, especially when a sibling problem is brought, is I’m like, what was your family dynamic? Where were you in like the birth order? Did you have siblings? Because I was an older sibling and when these kinds of fights happen or when I’m told they happen, I’m like,

Yep, that’s totally normal and I know exactly how that older sibling is feeling right now because.

Brie Tucker (18:28)

can say exactly how the baby sibling felt.

JoAnn Crohn (18:31)

Yep. Yes. Yeah. And if you don’t have siblings yourself and you’re looking at these sibling fights, or if like your sibling was a different makeup, maybe you’re the baby and you’re having a really hard time relating to your older child in these fights because you have the baby perspective. It could all play into it. It could all play out how you feel about it. So it’s like noticing the feelings you have, just like the mom dropping her kid off at summer camp. Your feelings are important. And one way that we rephrased it,

is that we pulled out the feelings will we use because we need to find a feeling you’re able to kind of take the steps then to solve it.

Brie Tucker (19:08)

I just want to throw this out there. Most of us stick to happy, sad, mad, sometimes we’re lucky. sometimes if you’re lucky, you’ll get like frustrated or worried in there, but those three are the main ones that people talk about. And there’s a lot, I think all of you guys can agree like, oh yeah, frustrated and mad are two different things and worried and sad are two different things, but we don’t always jump straight to it.

JoAnn Crohn (19:33)

Yeah, because when you’re able to identify the feeling, then it’s like, okay, well, what’s making you feel that way? For instance, in this conversation, she identified the feeling worried and she also brought up the word terrified. And I’m like, terrified. Tell me more about terrified. What do you think is going to happen? That’s a big one. And she explained her thinking that her son would need her and she wouldn’t be there to help him. But she was also countering it with the thinking.

Brie Tucker (19:50)

Yeah, because that is a big one

JoAnn Crohn (20:02)

Oh, but I know to build confidence and to help people later on, he needs to experience these things. So she knew both of these things in hand, but she needed to help herself notice that, okay, yes, she feels terrified. And she also feels vulnerable because it is a situation that she has no control over. And I hate those situations. Yes. This is something that’s taken from Brene Brown because

Brie Tucker (20:22)

I hate those situations.

JoAnn Crohn (20:29)

When you can notice in the situations like with sibling fights that right now, okay, I am mad, I am annoyed, but I’m also vulnerable because I have these two beings that I created at each other’s throats and I’m afraid that they’re gonna like, first of all, hate each other. I’m afraid that their mood is going to affect on my mood and then I’m going to like shut down and break down and whatever. I have all of these things that are not under my control right now that can affect me later on, I’m vulnerable.

Brie Tucker (20:58)

Yeah, I think like one of the things too that make us really vulnerable in those moments when our kids are fighting that feels like in my personal opinion, it goes nonstop during these breaks from school is I’ve got shit to to do people.

JoAnn Crohn (21:15)

I don’t have time to mess around with your fight!

Brie Tucker (21:17)

Thank you! This is your fifth fight to date and it’s only 11 o’clock!

JoAnn Crohn (21:28)

Yeah. I know. I know. So right after this, we are going to get into what actually helps a little bit because remember there is this control we have to give up. We are feeling vulnerable, but we’re going to give you some actionable steps as well.

Brie Tucker (21:42)

These pieces will help people, we promise.

JoAnn Crohn (21:44)

So we’ll get into that right after this.

Brie Tucker (21:48)

Okay, so here are three things that we have found has been really, really helpful. I am the queen, first of all, I’m just gonna admit it right out here people, of coming up with routines and telling myself that that schedule that I set is good and it’s gonna work. Let me just start with, if it involves more than like 30 minutes, it’s probably not gonna work. I’m just gonna be honest with you because life lights, right? Life be like this.

The dog decides to vomit on the carpet just as you guys are getting ready to go out to like swim lessons. So then now you’re late and you missed it. So now there’s no swim lessons. So now you got a kid breaking down and blah, blah, blah. ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (22:28)

Or has a stomach ache and is in the bathroom and like, I know, I know, it happens.

Brie Tucker (22:34)

So my advice is instead of trying to create full day routines, create some micro, very small routines that you keep in the day consistently. So ideally you would have it for like probably the five days, Monday through Friday, some micro routines. And that’s all you really consistently do.

JoAnn Crohn (22:57)

So- us an example of a micro-routine.

Brie Tucker (22:59)

Okay, so a micro routine that I had for my kids, and I actually got this from you, was a summer screen list. So they had to do certain things every day before they could get on their screens. Now, because my kids are who they are, they did them right away. And it was stuff like you needed to have 15 minutes of creative play. You needed to have 20 minutes of physical play, which for us in Phoenix in the summer means you had to either go swimming or…

do something indoors because it was too hot to go outside. But it also had stuff like you need to have your bed made up. You need to have your teeth brushed. You need to have eaten breakfast. And then we had you had to do one nice thing for somebody else. And I just have to laugh because

JoAnn Crohn (23:42)

That’s an evil laugh

Brie Tucker (23:44)

Well,

I thought I was really smart and cool. this will get them to be nice to each other. What it did do was Audrey often made breakfast for Robert, which would then make Robert mad because that he couldn’t check off that he did breakfast.

JoAnn Crohn (23:59)

That started a fight.

Brie Tucker (24:01)

Or a lot of times they would do something nice for the dog. So they played with the dog for like 15 minutes. And I’m like, ⁓ I’ll take it.

JoAnn Crohn (24:11)

Take it. Something nice for the dog.

Brie Tucker (24:13)

And that worked because every day, like a fighting started, I’d be like, have you done your morning stuff? Are you going to, and they’re fighting to get on screens. I’m like, did you do your screen stuff like first? And it helped. It gave me where I knew if they said yes, then I knew that they had done all those things. And my heart was happy. My heart was happy.

JoAnn Crohn (24:34)

Yeah, so that’s a great one. helps. Another one is it let go of the spotless house rule. In fact, would say let go the spotless house rule all the time. Especially during the summer, kids create a new level of mess. They really do. Me and my husband, we could keep our house pretty neat when we are living together. Not spotless. kids, my gosh, there is like so much junk everywhere. The socks and shoes that are left in the living room.

Brie Tucker (24:35)

Yeah, micro routines.

Especially during the summer.

JoAnn Crohn (25:03)

And you develop a certain blindness to it. I don’t know if you get this too, Bri, but a lot of people tell us that they have trouble following up on things. Like they forget and they think that the whole problem is their follow through. I develop blindness to a situation, especially a messy situation. If I’m seeing it every single day, I just kind of block it out. It’s why my cell phone drives.

both my husband and my daughter crazy when they look at it because I have that little red bubble above my messages that I really don’t care about. Like, I see it all the time. It’s like that red bubble’s a part of the phone. I don’t care. Okay.

Brie Tucker (25:40)

Pull it up where we’re talking. I wanna know live right now, how many messages, how many, what’s that red bubble number?

JoAnn Crohn (25:46)

42.

Brie Tucker (25:47)

GOD!

JoAnn Crohn (25:49)

But that’s not messages. That’s the phone call line. It’s the phone call. See, it says 42. don’t know what they, oh no, it’s voicemail. It’s the voicemail. It’s not missed calls. It’s voicemail. But it’s like, I get called by spammers every day. I get called by Vitalant, the blood donation company, every day to ask for my blood. I mean, really, that’s a little wrong, right? But no, I know.

Brie Tucker (25:54)

42 missed phone calls?

is what that is?

JoAnn Crohn (26:16)

Don’t come after me. I donate blood. It’s a good thing. But yeah, I mean, all of these messages are typically either spam or they’re things like I was screening my phone and I picked it up in the middle and I’m like, I can talk to you. But yeah, I developed a blindness. So with the spotless house, I’m saying this because it probably doesn’t bother me as much as it bothers some people because I can become blind to it.

Brie Tucker (26:19)

BUNT YOUR BLOOD!

It bothers me so much because again, with my personality, I need things somewhat organized or else it makes my anxiety and my ADHD kind of go off the rails. So I get that, but you and I have a trick. like if you’re thinking to yourself, my God, I can’t let go of the house being a mess. And have you even seen my kids’ rooms? little trick for you people, close the bedroom door. 

JoAnn Crohn (27:08)

close the bedroom door, they can keep their room however they want as long as the crap is in every other room in the house. Like, yeah.

Brie Tucker (27:18)

Yeah, the rule is like as long as you’ve got a path from your bed to the door in case of fire, I’m happy. I can make that work.

JoAnn Crohn (27:26)

It gets a little more complicated if siblings are sharing rooms. that. I mean, there’s the line down the center of the room. Hey, if they’re both men and kids.

Brie Tucker (27:37)

kids,

then it works out well. If they’re both clean kids, it works out well.

JoAnn Crohn (27:42)

Yeah, just giving them their area or just section to do with whatever they want.

Brie Tucker (27:48)

So if you’re taking anything from the second tip, it’s cut yourself some slack. Nobody needs or expects a spotless house when you’ve got your kids home. In case you needed to hear that, we’re here to tell you.

JoAnn Crohn (28:02)

And if you need spotless areas, define those areas for yourself and then let other people have their mess in other areas in the house. I find that that helps a lot. But also know that if you’re expecting a spotless house, this is some tough love here, you’re going to have to be the one to make it that way because not everybody has that same priority. And I know you’re like, Joanne, you’re saying I should get my family to help out more. I am.

But spotless and making sure that things are done to a level where they’re actual hygienic, like the coffee sitting on the counter and like pulling it up, that’s not great. That needs to be taken care of. But the slight clutter that exists on the kitchen counter or anything like that, just know that if you take that on, you’re the one who is going to be responsible for that for the rest of the time your kids are living with you. And so take it on sparingly.

Brie Tucker (29:03)

ask yourself what is really important about the house being clean? Yeah. And once you really dig down deep and you’re like, all right, if I could have a magic wand and there’s only, I mean, be realistic. How many kids do you have? Let’s say you’ve got two kids. All right. So what are two places in the house that I want clean, that I absolutely need to have clean for my sanity?

for me to have emotional reserves so I don’t lose my shiznit every time it’s a mess. And then you can talk about that with your kids. You can come up with a plan of that with your kids, unless they’re like one and two. Other than that, I think you can have a conversation. ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (29:43)

That really goes into this next tip too. Yes. With our third tip, model emotional regulation. This is, I think it’s probably our hardest one, but the one that makes the most difference. Take care of you. Take care of you. We say the best mom is a happy mom. If you are not taking care of your own emotional needs, you are going to lose it on a daily basis, hourly basis, by the minute basis, especially on those sibling fights. And the best way

Brie Tucker (30:10)

Yeah!

JoAnn Crohn (30:12)

to teach kids to keep their emotions regulated. And when we say emotions regulated, it doesn’t mean like you have to be happier at everything every second. Emotional regulation means you know when you’re going to hit your wall. And so you remove yourself from that situation when you’re gonna hit it.

Brie Tucker (30:27)

Before you have the utter incomplete. ⁓ my everybody shot up. Yeah. But even if you do do that, because Brie still occasionally does the screaming and it comes through on me. have a short fuse. Hopefully you do it before, but if you don’t, here’s my thing. You stop, you breathe because the yelling a lot of times triggers us as parents to at least realize that, oops, I’ve already crossed that line. So breathe.

and then just say, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, I think I need a few minutes to myself.

JoAnn Crohn (31:00)

Yeah, after you do it, just the apology is so powerful.

Brie Tucker (31:04)

my God. Yeah, because you’re teaching your kids that you made a mistake. You made a mistake by yelling because nobody wants to be yelled at. Nobody needs to be yelled at. So I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. I think I need a few minutes to calm down and showing your kids. And then maybe if you’re lucky enough that you are able to go away and your kids not follow you like my dogs, I would be freaking everywhere. It’s used to when they were younger, find your place, set your boundaries with their kids.

JoAnn Crohn (31:13)

Yeah, I know.

I get that

Brie Tucker (31:33)

mommy needs five minutes so she can calm down and not be, I always called it grumpy mom. I still call it grumpy mom, even with my kids being 18 and 17. I’m like, I need a break so that I can make grumpy mom go away. I don’t like grumpy mom and I know you don’t. So what are some ways you do that in your house when your kids were like,

JoAnn Crohn (31:53)

be like, the noise is getting to me, I need to take a break in the other room. Or I would separate them. I’m like, hey, guys, I see how much you are irritating each other right now. Let’s go into separate places for a little bit before it gets really bad. And we’ve had those conversations before, so they kind of knew about it. Knew that it’s emotions that they needed to be aware of, that they were getting upset, noticing they’re getting upset. It’s not a punishment. It’s just a, hey, I noticed this is getting heated. Let’s take a break right here.

Brie Tucker (32:22)

feel like it’s important to note that those first two tips of the micro routines in the spotless house, those are things that you can kind of do on the fly. They don’t take a whole lot of time doing them to get them to work. But this third one, it is gonna take time, but it is so worth it because I mean, you see change.

JoAnn Crohn (32:41)

It’s a lifetime of practice. Yeah. It’s a practice. Lifetime of practice. You don’t.

Brie Tucker (32:46)

see the change the next day. But I would say within a couple of weeks of doing it, you do start to notice your kids picking up on some of it. Yeah, you do. Yeah, it might be them leaving you alone. So you can go to your quiet time. It might be them saying, I’m sorry for yelling more often, but you’ll start to see it. And the more you keep doing it becomes like just second nature people.

JoAnn Crohn (33:08)

So if you have kids right now, six to 12, know that a way to get them to stop fighting with each other is to give them a cooperative thing to do together. Much like Brie’s kids and the package that they got, much like my kids, when my son talks my daughter into taking him to get a mini blizzard, she gets a blizzard too and mom pays for it because they’re doing together time.

Brie Tucker (33:29)

Mine does that with Black Rock. That’s Black Rock in our house.

JoAnn Crohn (33:32)

So having cooperative things is a wonderful thing and we have a sibling adventure missions for your young kids to help you have those cooperative things for them at a flash where you don’t have to manage the entire situation. And you can go and get that at noguiltmom.com forward slash sibling is only $29 and you get to print it out right there and you could have a much more peaceful afternoon just having that at your disposal.

Brie Tucker (33:55)

Can I be honest? Like honestly, one of my kids’ favorite parts of that is the science experiments they get at the end. That was one of their favorite things.

JoAnn Crohn (34:03)

So many science experiments and guys those science experiments come with videos. I recorded these with my kids at that age. So you get like a little throwback to when my kids were that age. So with that, remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk with you later.

Brie Tucker (34:18)

Thanks for stopping by.