Podcast Episode 396: “You Never Help with Bedtime!”: The Marriage Fight on Repeat (and how to fix it) Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn (00:00)

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn joined here by the brilliant Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker (00:09)

Hello everybody, how are you?

JoAnn Crohn (00:10)

Today, we’re talking about a topic that we see a lot actually in our balance community, marriage. know the Princess Bride? Yeah, has brought us together today.

Brie Tucker (00:23)

Fun fact for people in Podcastland,  My marriage to my current husband, a friend of ours is a ordained minister and she married us. You know this, but you weren’t able to be there because it was COVID. We got married

JoAnn Crohn (00:35)

I wasn’t invited, let’s just say that.

Brie Tucker (00:39)

It was COVID !

JoAnn Crohn (00:40)

I know, kidding. Anyway, I’m giving you a hard time.

Brie Tucker (00:43)

The point is we got married to the princess bride or we asked our friend to just recite that part of the movie and she did and it was like do you yes do you yes you’re married okay our family was there like literally our immediate family and they all just were kind of like what yeah one only my sister Shanna figured out what we were doing

JoAnn Crohn (00:54)

And she was like, that’s funny. That’s funny. Yeah. Well, we’re not talking about the beginning of marriage today. We’re talking about right smack dab in the middle where maybe you’re having the same argument over and over again. And you just feel like you’re not connecting with your partner anymore. have someone to help you with that here today. It is April Eldemeier, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She’s a step family expert and founder of

Couples Thrive, helping families create emotional safety, reduce conflict, and parent as a united team. She helps couples who feel stuck, empower struggles, emotional disconnection, or constant misalignment build trust, communicate better, and parent as a united team. April’s work has been featured in Psychology Today and the Gottman Institute, and she’s a mom to a 10-year-old son. So let’s get on with the show.

Welcome to the podcast April, we are so excited to dig into all of your advice about helping relationships thrive, especially like when you’re in a tough spot and you don’t know how to move forward. And you said you’re joining us from Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

April Eldemire (02:16)

That’s right. Hot and steamy Fort Lauderdale, Florida, even though it’s August. It’s so good to be here with you both. Thanks so much for having me.

JoAnn Crohn (02:25)

That’s steaminess. That’s what we can’t take here in Arizona. This is a dry heat over here. We don’t have this steamy. Thank goodness. I don’t know how you survive. Do you think like in temperatures like Fort Lauderdale, the steaminess, the stickiness, everything? I mean, I’m just thinking, amusing thought in my head. Do you see more relationship problems come up when the weather is really, really bad versus like when it’s not steamy?

April Eldemire (02:50)

Well, it’s kind of always hot and steamy pretty much all year round. So I don’t think there’s a correlation, but it definitely lends itself to more sexy wardrobes. everybody is not wearing much of anything.

JoAnn Crohn (03:01)

Right!

Brie Tucker (03:05)

Well, that’s how it is here too. I mean, in our summers out here, it’s hot, it’s dry. The less the better. Just stick to everything.

JoAnn Crohn (03:15)

It definitely can get sweaty. Yeah. Well, April, I’m excited to have you here because we see in our balance membership, a lot of our members do have these kind of tricky relationship issues where they really want to connect with their husband typically. And the guy isn’t giving anything in return. Like it feels like a constant power struggle. It feels like they’re constantly against each other. I’m sure you see this a lot.

Do you recommend is the first place to start when that’s your relationship dynamic?

April Eldemire (03:50)

this is such a good question. And it can be so frustrating for couples to go through. And I like to start off by saying that it’s not a love problem. It’s an alignment problem. love is the spark, you know, that starts the relationship. But the glue is in intentional alignment. And I mean, that boils down to lots of communication and intentionality, making sure that you’re having the conversations that matter. A lot of couples stay stuck on bedtimes or household responsibilities or homework. And that’s not really what the fight is about. So I love this topic because we go so much deeper with what’s really going on between a couple’s dynamic who feels like they’re just struggling.

Brie Tucker (04:38)

I was going to say, when you say that, that makes me think about, feel like the best connection I can have to this was in my first marriage. So my husband and I got to a point where we just were basically like functioning roommates and we weren’t ever able to come out of it, which was that that happened for whatever reasons. But I personally felt like I was giving, giving, giving, and he wasn’t doing anything. And I’m almost sure that he feels like I wasn’t giving anything either. So I’m kind of curious, like, how do you even start that conversation with your partner when you feel like you’re the one who’s giving, right? And you said, it’s not a problem of love. It’s a problem of alignment. But if you also view your, your position as I’m doing everything here, my partner is slacking.

How do you even start to come to that point? Because I know whenever I did come to my ex-husband and be like, I’m everything. You never, I hope you all appreciate my emotional thing I’m throwing here with you. I’m doing everything. You’re not doing anything. I’m feeling like I am just drowning and you’re just weighing me down. That’s not a good way to start a conversation. We never got anywhere.

April Eldemire (05:51)

Of course you didn’t!

Brie Tucker (05:52)

How do you approach this in a way if you are feeling wronged and slighted in an open way with your partner of like, hey, are you feeling this too? Is it?

April Eldemire (06:03)

Absolutely. Yes. Okay. This is so great because I think it’s about making the invisible visible. And as women, as moms, we carry a hidden mental load, right? So we’re constantly thinking about the I shoulds, I shouldn’ts, can I step in here? Will my partner back me up? Am I being supported? You know, I shouldn’t feel this way. It should feel different. Should, should, should.

JoAnn Crohn (06:27)

There’s a lot of shoulds, lot of shoulding on yourself. Yes.

April Eldemire (06:30)

Right.

And you’re constantly second guessing yourself. So I like to say, bring that stuff out into the open. And usually what happens is we kind of store it up and it gets built up and we don’t know the warning signs of when we actually need to come from a proactive place rather than the reactive. You don’t support me. Just like you said, Brie, right? Yeah. of course, you’re going to put your partner on the defense. So I say to just do an alignment check in within yourself. And some of those warning signs are what is the negative thought spiral that’s going on in my head about my family, about how I’m showing up, about my partner and making sure that you’re aware of what those are and then naming it. Okay, I’m feeling resentful. I’m carrying the load here or I’m feeling like we’re not connected or we just had another spat about carrying the load of everything and it feels like it’s not balanced. And when you can name it, then you can start to put action to it by being able to just talk about it. And how you talk about it matters. It’s important. I like to tell couples to do an alignment ritual where you spend five or 10 minutes, a few times a week, where you’re talking about everything, not just logistics and schedules and household stuff, but the temperature of your relationship too, so that you’re working toward a securely attached and productive, happy, healthy relationship and communication style.

So make it visible. Get it out there.

Brie Tucker (08:00)

I have to ask a question. What does it mean by a temperature check? And I also think too, like, I’m terrified putting myself out there and being like, I’m feeling disconnected. How about you? I always would feel like my partner would be afraid my partner would come back and be like, no.

JoAnn Crohn (08:16)

Well, from what I’m hearing from you, April, firstly, coming up with just that clarity of yourself. So I know so many women carry that mental load of all of the things that they should be doing. And it’s also a barrier because they think that they should have it under more control on themselves. So it’s almost like there’s a disconnect of what do I need to communicate versus what am I shaming myself for not being able to get done that should be under my control?

April Eldemire (08:46)

Right.

JoAnn Crohn (08:47)

I was talking with a woman yesterday who we did a course called Family Team for teaching how to bring the whole family into chores and making sure that everyone supports each other. And she brought up the concern that, my gosh, now I’m hearing this and I’m like, our kitchen is so disorganized and it’s up to me to organize all of the things. my question for you April is like, she thought that that was completely her fault.

And she wouldn’t even know to communicate that to a spouse that she feels that is on her. So what do you recommend women kind of tell themselves before they even start this conversation? Like make that distinction between what is unlike needed shame versus what’s something that can be shared.

April Eldemire (09:36)

⁓ I feel the weight of that as you describe it, being a mom myself and taking on some of that shame and the guilt of feeling like I have to do it all. And so first I want to say to moms, you can be a good mom and still have complicated feelings. You can be a good partner and still have complicated feelings. And what I’ll say about the shame and the guilt factor that we often carry and think we have to do it all is that

There’s the helpful guilt and then there’s the harmful guilt. The helpful guilt tells us, okay, maybe I snapped at my partner and I need to go and do a repair attempt there, or maybe I didn’t volunteer at the school like I felt like I should have. And so the helpful one is motivating because it tells us that we’re out of alignment with our value system.

But we don’t want to get into the rut of the harmful guilt or the shame that comes with that, where we’re people pleasing or we’re saying yes to everything. Or we’re feeling like our partner expects that we do all the things without co-parenting or having a shared role in the home environment. so it’s about role-caring too.

Brie Tucker (10:45)

Yeah, I think that’s a big one I think a lot of us like when you’re having those moments where you’re feeling really reasonable and feeling like you’re holding it all It is very quick to be like I don’t even feel like I have a co-parent I feel like I am the one here and that my partner just gets to bait you set once in a while

April Eldemire (11:03)

Right. And that’s not true. And it’s not fair.

JoAnn Crohn (11:07)

It’s not fair because also our partners typically don’t know that we’re feeling this way. And so they can’t take any steps to actually make the situation better. It’s like all of a one-sided anger and the other side’s like, I have no idea what’s going on here. Like, just tell me what to do where I’m not in trouble all the time.

April Eldemire (11:28)

It bottles up and then it spills over and then our partners look at you’re in headlights and they’re like, I know how to just navigate everything that you just gave me. I would say that that’s why the alignment stuff is really important because you’re getting out the stuff that tends to build up. And I don’t know about you, but as a woman, a mom, I need to release some of those things. I need to kind of dump it out before it gets too big and then it overtakes me and then it overtakes my relationships. And so I think that piece is really important. Now, the fear part, right? How do I even talk to my partner about this? How will they take it? First, you’re not throwing them off of left field because it’s structured. You sort of have it in the schedule of all the other things that you have to do. And it’s also a ritual of structure too.

JoAnn Crohn (12:18)

And I want to get to that really fast right after this April because it is like the perfect segue. So you’re going to hear April’s four part alignment ritual right after this.

So right before the break, April, you said that first we need to identify our hidden mental load and really recognize if we’re experiencing that helpful guilt or that harmful guilt to figure out like what we need to share. And then to put action to it and do this like alignment check. You have a four part alignment check. Lead us through that.

April Eldemire (12:51)

it’s the four-part alignment ritual that every couple needs to have. So it’s structured into your life. It’s in your schedule a few times a week, five to ten minutes. And what you do is you celebrate one win. So something that went really well that the two of you were able to come together on, whether it was co-parenting or being there for each other in a time of need or picking up the kids when the other had to run an errand, whatever that is. And then you’re talking about one misalignment.

Where did you feel off? Where did you find yourself struggling? Where did you find yourself maybe needing help that you weren’t getting or lacking the support that you really needed from your partner? And this is the time to say it like this. You know, I get really nervous around bedtimes. I feel like I take on a lot of the load of that and I’d really like for us to do it together. Can we support each other in that?

Brie Tucker (13:46)

That’s so nice. I love how you said that.

April Eldemire (13:48)

Right?

JoAnn Crohn (13:49)

versus what might happen when you’re overwhelmed and be like, you never helped me with bedtime. What are you doing staying in the bathroom for like an hour while I’m here putting the kids to bed?

April Eldemire (14:00)

Yes, and I’m raising my hand because I’m culprit number one in that. I can be so reactive sometimes, especially when the load is heavy. And so this is about structuring time to take the load off. So you’re describing one misalignment and then you’re creating a repair attempt or something, one intentional way that you can repair that misalignment.

And so maybe it’s, okay, yeah, let’s figure out bedtimes. Let me support you better. Let me tackle this while you do that. And then the last thing is to share an appreciation. Just make the end of it cohesive. Like, this was a really great conversation. I really value you. I really appreciate you. You’re a really good partner to me. And that’s it. If you do that a few times a week, I think it does a few things. Again, it sets the stage for your partner to be able to receive what’s…sort of on your plate, all of that hidden load stuff. And then it makes the load lighter. So it becomes visible. And I think guilt, but also resentment grows in the dark. So we’ve got to bring it out in the open so that it doesn’t take over and run the show.

Brie Tucker (15:02)

I have two questions about what you just said. So essentially, I’m going to share a misalignment. And then does my partner get to share their misalignment? So then we’re working on two things.

April Eldemire (15:18)

Of course, absolutely. Okay. Yes.

Brie Tucker (15:21)

And then JoAnn, you might be going the same route with me. What if the misalignment feels really personal and below the belt

JoAnn Crohn (15:30)

Oh like your partner says something that is, yeah, and they don’t structure it. Cause I was going to ask you April about the structure of the misalignment because you structured that so perfectly without defensiveness. like going along with Bree’s thing, like what happens when your partner comes to you and it stirs up all the defensiveness in you.

Brie Tucker (15:47)

I’m trying to think like a misalignment where it’s just like, you you’re not doing what I need you to do.

April Eldemire (15:52)

Absolutely. Okay, so this is going happen. You’re only human and sometimes it does get personal. And so first what I’ll say is ruptures in relationships happen, but the repair is more important than the rupture. And so if you notice that coming on and there’s tension, then you take a pause and you take a time out. You take a step back and you say, you know what? This isn’t going the way that I’d like it to. Let’s try and rephrase what we’re really trying to say here. And now let’s go deeper into that because usually the thing on the surface, the criticism or the thing that you’re resentment about is the protective part of what’s really going on. And it’s usually about a need or a longing that is not being met. It’s something more vulnerable. It’s the underbelly piece to all of the surface behaviors that we show our partner, whether it’s shutting down or getting angry or silent treatment, know, anger hurts bodyguard. And so is resentment and so is criticism.

So you want to get to more about what’s happening underneath the surface. I’m feeling resentful because I always have to take on bedtimes. Five times this week I took on bedtime. You might not say that, but at least you’re getting to the resentful part. And then you’re going deeper and saying, well, what’s behind the resentment? Well, I’m feeling alone. I’m feeling like I’m doing it all.

Brie Tucker (17:12)

Yeah, that’s a big underlining, I think, fear of a lot of us. Fear, frustration, however you want to say it, anger.

JoAnn Crohn (17:18)

I think that what you did though April in the misalignment that script you gave us where we’re like, that’s so good. I think it is so complex to create something like that on the fly. And I was like thinking about the script you gave and I think I see like the underbelly of like an I statement in there, but how do you recommend people structure this misalignment? What is a rule that people can kind of follow when they’re thinking about this?

April Eldemire (17:44)

This is great. Okay. So it is sort of like an I statement. So you want to focus on the situation. So when this happened, I felt and here’s why. And so it could look like, you know, when I was taking on, when I noticed bedtime each day this week was on me, I felt alone. I felt overwhelmed. I felt burdened because I’ve got a lot on my plate and I really need more support from you.

So it changes things too, but there is a nice little script that you can follow too. If you’re getting into your feelings or let’s say it does become personal, you can always reset and go back to when this happened, I felt this way because this is the underlying part for me. That’s so important.

JoAnn Crohn (18:32)

That’s a good format. That’s a good structure. What about if you’re the one always doing all the things, how can you decide what problem you want to tackle first with your partner without overwhelming them? Because I know a lot of the moms have probably have this building for a while and they probably have a very big list of things that they need to talk about.

Brie Tucker (18:56)

Mental checklist. it’s a long one sometimes.

April Eldemire (19:01)

My gosh, it is. It could go pages, couldn’t it girls? I mean, I could write pages upon pages of the things that I take on in my own life that I store up and that I do all on my own. And it’s exhausting. So go with the predominant one, the one that sort of shoots up to the surface more prominently than the other ones. First, write them all down and then assess, okay, which ones are the patterns of my relationship?

The patterns could be, I feel always alone in this area. Or when this happens, I feel disconnected from my partner. Or I feel like the bad guy in this scenario. And by the way, your co-partner in life is supposed to be doing the same thing. And hopefully they’re writing things down too that’s on their mind because, hey, the guys store things up too, just like we can.

Brie Tucker (19:57)

Right I would think so.

JoAnn Crohn (19:58)

They store things so much and then guys aren’t raised with the permission to be vulnerable. So I even think like it’s harder on them than it is on us to express their own feelings. Not saying that they shouldn’t, they should definitely, but keeping that in mind when we come to these relationship issues.

April Eldemire (20:18)

Absolutely. And that falls into kind of an emotional safety of the relationship piece because I think guys are much more open about their feelings if they feel like there’s a safe space to do it. Right. And a woman needs a guy’s problem solving proactive part of the system in order to kind of quell and calm some of our heightened emotions down. it can actually be a nice balance.

The emotional safety piece is being able to know that you can show up at your best and your worst on any day with your loved ones and they’ll love you unconditionally, right? And that’s what you’re after in a relationship. But that starts to wear down over time. And we start to feel like, well, if I’m resentful and I get really angry or a snap at my partner, they maybe will pull away from me. And then there’ll be that feeling that I’m alone in this relationship. So that’s where you can kind of attach the surface behavior to the actual feeling underneath. So to go back to what you were saying, write it all down. then start to see which ones are the predominant or the main feelings that you have in the relationship. And then start with those. And maybe it is one or two or three a week in those conversations, not all at once, but you’re practicing, right? It’s progress, not perfection.

JoAnn Crohn (21:36)

Absolutely. And I have a question for you about a specific thing, how guys perceive women doing it all. And I want to get into it right after this. So I just came back from a lunch April. It was me, my husband, and our financial advisor, who’s a guy. And we were talking about, you know, family dynamics. And he said something along the lines of like, his wife is the one who’s always up and doing things, always like…

there’s a dirty dish on the table. She’s gonna go and pick it up. Like she’s gonna get up from relaxing, go and pick it up. If he is in charge of the dishes and decides he wants to go to bed and handle it in the morning, she’s like, no, I can’t have that. We need to have the dishes done tonight. And she will pick up and do the dishes. And so he said this phrase, which I found so curious is he’s like, on weekends, I asked her what to do. And then he had this.

so that I won’t get in trouble or feel bad when I sit down to watch football because she’s like doing all of this other stuff. And so I kind of wanted to get your perception of also our behavior  of tending to over function a little bit and do all the things and take on all the things and how our partners might be feeling a little like, I don’t know what to do in this situation.

April Eldemire (22:40)

Yeah, I don’t know my role here, right? I’m watching on eggshells a little bit. I hear that a lot of the time.

Brie Tucker (23:00)

I was going to say that sounds so relatable right there. Yeah.

April Eldemire (23:04)

I love that. And that’s just a piece of misalignment. It’s just an area where a couple or the relationship is misaligned. And I think that there’s also the, when we talk about sort of alignment, having a shared culture and a shared system of how you function as a couple, but also as you parent and then role clarity. You know, I think it’s the misconception is that everything has to be fair and equal across the board. And I don’t subscribe to that.

I think that you have to play to each other’s strengths and by the way, I love the guy’s question. I think that’s such a great vulnerable question to ask. Like, what do want me to do here? Is it okay if I sit back? I think that a woman just wants to hear that. Like, that there’s seen.

Brie Tucker (23:48)

If I just had like once in a while with my ex, I will say that’s the one thing that’s lovely about a second marriage. You figured out what not to do. The first one I would have loved to have had like there’d be a question of like from my spouse to say, I really want to do X, Y, Z this weekend. What do you need from me so that I can go and do that and you not feel left alone, whatever. That would have been fantastic. Instead, what I often got was just I’m going to go do this. Well, what about me?

Well, you have to watch the Kids

April Eldemire (24:19)

Right.

JoAnn Crohn (24:21)

Well, I also think that it’s kind of a transition step to where we want to be because there is a fair amount of mental load. And while that question, I think, is great, I also think that there could be steps in the relationship and in all relationships so that the mental load is shared, so that both partners see, OK, well, here’s what I need to do versus asking, what do I need to do? because I know that that is a frustration for so many women having to carry all of it in their heads and just have their spouses ask them.

April Eldemire (24:53)

I just had this in my office with a couple this past week. The mom has three kids and they were in a rush and she wanted him to just read the room. And he went up and she was washing a dish and he’s like, here, I’ll wash that dish for you. And she completely blew up at him. And what we were processing in our session was the fact that she wanted him to see what to do to just read the room and take over without her having to feel like she’s parenting a fourth child. And that’s how it felt for her.

She was already overwhelmed and then the husband comes in and either says, let me do that or tell me what to do. And she’s like, I don’t want to have to tell you what to do. You’re not a child. You’re my partner. So that’s why I love these kind of sidebar, these huddle conversations before the game. So you’re preparing before life actually hits. And that’s where you’re defining your roles.

So as a mom, if I’m the one that cleans the kitchen because maybe I do it better, then before dad gets to sit on the couch and watch the game, he’s putting the kids to bed or he’s packing the lunches and getting things ready for the next day. So you’re doing this together, but you’re also, again, playing to each other’s strengths. You’re doing the stuff that you know you do well or better than the other person and they are equally doing that of their share.

JoAnn Crohn (26:10)

But that is defining their roles. That is so important. Like when I had like a little breakdown with my husband a few years ago and I was just crying on the couch on Christmas. And that was when we started like defining roles and figuring out like how to help each other out more because I was taking on everything. And so we have these roles during dinner. Whoever cooks the dinner, the other one leads the cleanup of the dinner and it took me a long time for when I cooked the dinner to actually let my husband take over and do cleaning. Like I was the one asking the questions, is it okay if I sit down here on the couch while you clean? And he would look at me and he’s like, yeah, of course it is. But it’s a really hard transition too to make when you’re used to defining your value and your worth as what you do.

April Eldemire (27:02)

That is so hard because you’ve got those hidden expectations of yourself that sometimes you can’t let go. Right. I should be doing more. I should be doing all the things or I should be doing what other people may expect of me. And that may or may not be true. It might be true for you. But you also don’t want to burn yourself out. And then again, have some resentment or the guilt start to take over your life either. I love that you can have that conversation with him. It took some of the load off. Right. Like it was kind of like, I have permission to you know, sit down and relax for a few minutes. Thank you. I need that.

JoAnn Crohn (27:36)

I was almost mad though at myself that I needed the permission. It’s one of those things where like you’re in this cycle where you see what your mom did, you see what all your friends do, you see everyone just spent and you’re like, that is what I have to do even though I am feeling like a complete shell of a person out. And I think so many people feel that way.

April Eldemire (27:59)

We do, it’s hard. I mean, think mom guilt is a universal experience and all of the shoulds, should nots live in our head constantly. And I mean, I think we need to see ourselves first and then we also need to be seen by other people. That’s really important. So see yourself first and give yourself what you need. And then it’s so great if a partner can say, hey, I see you too. That’s secondary, but first it starts with you.

JoAnn Crohn (28:26)

That is what we all want. It’s so crazy us too.

Brie Tucker (28:29)

It sounds like it’s so simple. And honestly, April, I’ve been sitting here chewing on a lot of what you’re saying. And I’m like, well, it follows a lot of what we tell parents of working with our kids, right? Don’t have those deep problem-solving conversations when everybody’s upset and mad. Checking in, letting people know with the I statements, I feel when this happens, and then asking for the problem-solving idea together. I love all of that all seems so natural. And I just wonder why so many of us, especially women, we get it doing that for our kids, but we get stuck not realizing we should do that with our spouses or our partners. I’m kind of wondering just why why we get stuck there with our partners. Maybe I don’t know, maybe we just expect them to naturally know everything.

April Eldemire (29:14)

Mmm.

Maybe.

Yeah, we have different expectations. Yes, relying on them differently than we would on our kids, right? Our kids rely on us. But when we’re in a relationship, we do have some reliance or dependence on our partner. So we make assumptions in our head around how they should think about us or what they should be seeing about what we’re going through. It’s different. It is different.

JoAnn Crohn (29:26)

It wasn’t modeled for us.

April Eldemire (29:49)

I think that you’ve got to approach it though kind of similarly, different scripts maybe for children and adults, but you’ve got your own regulation system and you’re also co-regulating with your kids and with your partner all the time.

Brie Tucker (30:02)

You have to make sure your mind sets in the right place, right? Because like if you come at it and you’re like, okay, I’m to talk to him just like I do with my kids. Okay, well, right there, you’re already coming in. Coming in hot. You know? Yeah.

April Eldemire (30:16)

Yeah, that’s right. It’s like the discipline hour. ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (30:20)

Yeah, so you recommend that if couples are having the same fight over and over again, first getting that clarity on what you’re feeling. Second, doing that alignment and having that four part alignment ritual to get more on the same page and defining roles. Is there anything else that we didn’t ask about that’s important?

April Eldemire (30:39)

I think it’s also about finding time to connect within your relationship too, not just about the logistics, but that you’re also spending time to flourish and really grow the relationship aspect. that might be alongside the ritual, you’re also having a ritual of connection. So it’s not just about alignment and communication, but you’re doing something shared. I think that’s what really gets couples going the long haul.

You’ve got your foundation, but then how do you keep it going for the long haul? And I think it’s about a shared ritual system or shared hobby or something that you can do together. So I urge couples in the busy modern day life that we’ve got going, we’ve got to slow down and spend a little bit of time, whether it’s coffee in the morning or a Sunday sink or a walk a few times a week, that you’re doing something together and that it’s just the two of you.

Brie Tucker (31:36)

I love that. That is fantastic.

JoAnn Crohn (31:37)

⁓ I like that. Absolutely.

Well, April, we like to end each episode with a look toward the future. So what are you excited about that’s going on in your life?

April Eldemire (31:49)

Well, as you mentioned in my intro, I’m a mom to a 10 and a half year old son. And so one of the things that’s exciting for me coming up is that we are planning a trip to Japan. He is all over Japan. He’s a big foodie. And so he wants to go and try all the Japan things. And we haven’t booked anything yet, but we’re knee deep in YouTube videos and travel plans and chat GPT stuff. So that’s probably coming up to the next year. Yep. We’re saving for that.

And then I would say the other thing is the doors are open for my Blended Family Alignment Blueprint. It’s for blended families who are struggling to find peace in their home. But it’s also for couples too, because we talk about the alignment ritual and role clarity and shared parenting responsibility and emotional safety and repair system. So that launches in just a few weeks. And it’s an online course that couples can go through at their own pace and get a lot of good practical tools from.

Brie Tucker (32:45)

I think we’re gonna have have you back to talk about the blended families. I mean I I get you on that one I thought we had ours all figured out and it was a little bumpy

April Eldemire (32:54)

I would love that. yeah, happy to come back anytime.

JoAnn Crohn (32:58)

Well, thank you, April, for joining us and all of this great tips that you’ve given us for getting through those relationship bumps. And remember that the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you, and we’ll talk with you later.

Brie Tucker (33:13)

Thanks for stopping by.