| | |

Podcast Episode 257: What the Heck Is Mom Guilt and How To Overcome It Transcript

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn: A lot of mom guilt comes from this feeling that we’re bad inside. Like, we’re bad people. We, like, have to apologize. We have to keep all of our mistakes under wraps. hopefully no one noticed

Brie Tucker: Oh yeah,

JoAnn Crohn: it also comes with, like, a lot of people don’t apologize to their kids ever. Like, they don’t, they Yeah. And I hear a lot about moms going to humble themselves for their kids. And when I think about that, I’m like, it’s not really humbling yourself when you’re apologizing. It’s actually a very, free process 

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker: Hello. Hello everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn: Brie’s making funny faces at me again, guys, like always when I’m reading that. I’m like, Oh, she has her tongue out. It’s like doing a

Brie Tucker: Eyes crossed. I do the best I can. The, the roll, the tongue roll.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s a genetic thing. It’s like a

Brie Tucker: I am like, um, I’m trying to think like, I think, my daughter is like the epitome of gen of, uh, recessive jeans.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

Brie Tucker: Girl can do the tongue, she can do the tongue roll. She has dimples, she has blue eyes. I think freckles are also recess, like a, a recessive trait. So like, yeah. That girl is like, give me everything that’s less likely to happen and I’ll take it.

JoAnn Crohn: Can you do this with the tongue roll?

Brie Tucker: No, I cannot. I cannot.

JoAnn Crohn: Guys what I just did is I I made two rolls in my tongue Well, actually three if like think of a roller coaster like the hills that I could do that with my tongue That took some practice. That was like mere practice You have to fold it first and then you have to like Yeah, I think we need a youtube tutorial on how to do the

Brie Tucker: was going to say, this is one of those moments that listening on a podcast, you’re just not grasping the gravity of our skills here.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, I’ll just have to post a

Brie Tucker: crazy. It is crazy.

JoAnn Crohn: No, it’s crazy. today we’re, we’re digging into the mom guilt guys. Like Brie and I actually were recording this right before we’re hopping on a flight tomorrow morning and getting away from our families for two days, which is wonderful. I suggest everybody does that. Get away from the family for two days, but

Brie Tucker: That’s a whole nother podcast right there. But

JoAnn Crohn: a lot of mom guilt that comes with it. And like we here at no goat mom, like we want to help you crush this mom guilt. So it’s no longer a thing that holds you back in your life. I mean, just imagine the world filled with moms who have no mom guilt, who do so much for themselves and who are so happy and fulfilled. And, uh, they still have great kids and they’re a great parent as well. I mean, that’s a pretty spectacular world. I see there

Brie Tucker: yes. Like women that are skilled in the ability to put their oxygen mask on first so that they can then assist other people. And I, I kind of, so I love that example and I hate that example. I just want to like

JoAnn Crohn: the oxygen mask one.

Brie Tucker: Yeah. So I love it because I think it’s very true, right? Like if we have nothing to give, if we have like, if we’re like on empty. We can’t help anybody else in our lives. We can’t be there as a mom, a friend, spouse, whatever, right? However, with that being said, I think it also kind of makes it sound like put your oxygen mask on because it’s your job to serve everybody else and you can’t serve them if you don’t do it. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not

JoAnn Crohn: life is not to serve everybody else. It’s not to serve everybody else. Let’s make that clear. It is your point. The point of your life is not to serve everyone else. And please, please, please. Um, before we get into it, if you know a mom who is struggling with this concept, if they think their entire life is revolving around their family, can you share this episode with them?

Just share it with them and send it to them. Be like, I think you’ll enjoy this. There were a lot of great tips in here. Cause we are, we’re going to give you all the great tips. , so now let’s get on with the show. So mom guilt is something that’s talked about so much among moms. It is not really talked about among dads. Like, there is no such term in the world that we use for dad guilt. Because it just, I don’t feel like it exists. And all the men out there who say it does exist, I’m sorry, it doesn’t. You’re

Brie Tucker: Well, not, not at the same level that this one does. Like, I do not like to pull the gender card on things, but like, this is definitely something that is a huge gender. You know, inequality, like, yeah, dads do have guilt as well, but it is not as, as the step systemic, if we can talk today, and it is not as like, Where people are just like, suck it up and deal with it. Like, we all acknowledge that there’s mom guilt, but in general, it’s like, eh, be grateful. Hashtag blessed.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh, yeah. That is it. It is be grateful. And whenever I get with groups of moms, it is always like the same thing, Oh, I have to do this. Oh, I did this for my kids. Oh, I did this for my kids. And like every single conversation is usually about the kids and it’s hard to steer away from that because I will steer away from it and like, I do it all the time and people look at me so weird. I’d be like, yeah. Okay, cool. Cool. Like. So, like, what have you done lately for fun? And what’s that response you’ve usually gotten with? It’s like, Oh,

Brie Tucker: That’s a hard, that, that is a, so yeah, you get one of two things. You either get the, oh my god, I can’t remember the last time I peed by myself or whatever, right? Or you get the, like, blank stare and headlight stare. Like, they’re like, I have, I don’t, I don’t know. Like, I, what do I do for fun? Well, sometimes I’ll put on, like, a G rated movie so that we don’t have to watch cartoons.

Like, I remember when that was the highlight of my life was that I had gotten my kids into, like, 70s, 80s, G, PG rated movies so I didn’t have to watch Dora the Explorer all weekend long. I could occasionally, like, mix it up with, like, Superman from 1973.

JoAnn Crohn: That’s where I love mobile devices because I, my kids used to do that. Like they would watch like, gosh, it wasn’t Blue’s Clues with them. What was it? It was Paw Patrol for my son, uh, Yo Gabba Gabba for my daughter. And I would just pull out my cell phone with headphones. I’d be looking like, sitting with them, but I’d be watching Scandal. Which is great. but like, here’s the thing with mom guilt is that I remember watching my mom, and I was leaving for college and I mean, looking back at the age of my mom too, I, I’m pretty sure she was probably going through menopause as well, but it was a very emotional time for her, like emotional, like I couldn’t even get on the phone from college without her breaking down in tears and like saying how I left, you know, I left them. I left them. I feel like that is pretty, it’s not rare in parents. Like you see a lot of moms in particular breaking down and not knowing what to do with themselves when their kids leave the house. And

Brie Tucker: lived it. I lived that. So I know what you’re talking about. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: yeah. And that’s something that I’ve been so aware of in my parenting journey, because from the other side, seeing that happen, like, you know, It hurts so bad. I felt so, so bad. Like I was disappointing everyone. so now like, I just want to paint this picture of what it looks like when mom guilt really goes down.

Cause while no guilt mom, I always talk about it as being an ideal and like, I haven’t reached it. I’m doing pretty good at it. I feel like. I don’t have much mom guilt in my life so much. So that I was just talking with my husband the other day and I’m like, I love that our kids are growing up and doing things on their own and being independent. Like this feeling of just being able to go out on a date, the two of us and not have to arrange

Brie Tucker: Right.

JoAnn Crohn: is amazing. Yeah.

Brie Tucker: you guys do that. That was like, I do feel like I saw because I remember when you guys started doing that, like seeing, the, the joy of being able to do stuff.

JoAnn Crohn: Well, yeah, even now, like it. As they get older, like we can go on night dates and not have to do it during the workday because they could stay home. And like, I was even thinking, I’m like, we should ask you and Miguel to go and like meet us at a restaurant sometimes, because it’s like, we have all this freedom.

And I feel like it was before we had kids almost like I’m getting back to that feeling of just being able to go places and being able to do things and not having to worry if it’s kid appropriate or not. And like, it’s amazing, Brie. It’s

Brie Tucker: Well, yeah. It, it is fantastic. Like, I would say, like one of my favorite things that I, I have learned that is letting go of mom guilt has been going places with my girlfriends. Like, well, I, well, I love doing stuff like going out on dates and whatnot with my, with my husband and all that. Like my, I got to experience the, the non kids when I first had my divorce.

And, and like I said, like I got to experience and it was hard. I was depressed. I stayed in bed all weekend. I didn’t know what to do with myself because I didn’t have my kids, but, um, having moved past that, right. And I thought I was a good spot, but then once I started getting to actually like extract myself even more and, like one of the best things I ever did was, uh, went to Disneyland.

And I remember like telling my, telling our friend, Shana, like, I don’t like Disneyland. She tries to give me a go all the time. I’m like, I don’t like Disneyland. It’s not fun. And she’s like, you have to go with adults. You don’t understand. Like no kids, just adults. I went one time with a bunch of dolls. I had no idea that Disneyland could be so nice.

Nobody complaining about what ride to go on, who was going to ride with who. nobody mentioned that the line was an hour long. Like, you know, it was like, whatever, do what you want. Come, don’t come. I’ll wait in line with you. This sounds fun. It was awesome. And then like the same, like getting bigger, like going on trips with my friends, like going out, like with you and Shana, when we went to Europe, like, or even we.

We jetted off to Mexico, back in August, just for a quick weekend trip. And it’s so much, so much weight gets taken off your shoulders. Because even when it’s like, even with me, like, even if it’s with your spouse, like you’re sometimes worried, like, Oh, are they going to be okay with this? Are they going to be okay with that? Like, it’s just, it’s a whole different level of letting go of that guilt.

JoAnn Crohn: Totally. So let’s really define this mom guilt right now, because we want to be really specific about what we’re talking about. And mom guilt is like that voice in our head that tells us that we will miss something important. Only we can handle this. We’re a horrible mom. If we skip out on this activity, because it is not okay to let our kids suffer in any single way. that is a really mom

Brie Tucker: we’re not as good as everybody else. I am failing at this, like, I’m not doing it right, and why is it everybody else has got it figured out and I’m struggling with this? Oh God, I know that so and so is judging me right now. All that. All that.

JoAnn Crohn: And it’s so easy to get sucked into the mom guilt because you will see it every single place around you. Like, I find that there’s a lot of mom guilt I could probably take from, my mom or my mother in law. And it’s completely unintentional on their part. They are not bad people. It is just the programming that they have had.

For instance, I was talking with my mother in law like a few weeks ago, and I was talking about how I think I was going on a trip or something. And she said something like, must be nice. she didn’t mean anything by it. It was totally her own interpretation of it. Like she, she did not mean to put anything on me. I know that for certain. Like she is not, she’s, she’s a really, really great

Brie Tucker: wait, you mean not like when my mother in law used to say, like, I don’t know how I raised kids without a degree like you have.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh my gosh. But like, no, but that’s true life. It’s real life. Like if you are listening right now and you’re like, oh my gosh, yeah, my mother in law and my mom like put so much guilt on me and they have these little passive aggressive digs and comments and they are, it’s a passive aggressive thing. So anytime, like you would want to counter them on it or call them out on it. They will probably be like, no, that’s not what I meant. No, like you’re taking things. You’re being too sensitive. You’re

Brie Tucker: I hate that one! Mm hmm. And that is without the mood, the mood swings that I’m dealing with right now. Like, yeah, I hate that one. You’re being sensitive. Don’t you know how to make, take a joke? That’s not what I meant. You’re totally taking it out of context. Really? Because it was only one sentence long. Pretty sure the context was pretty straightforward. Aw.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, I call malarkey on that one call malarkey because oh my goodness all of this stuff around you right now is Contributing to your mom guilt but once you can like see it and take it out for what’s happening because if I hadn’t done like all of this work and In no guilt mom and trying to get over my own mom guilt and really taking the action steps that little must be nice would have like drilled its hole into my brain and live there as like a little like seed that Germinates every time the mom guilt happens and there’d be like this little tree forming in my brain. That’s like, oh no, you should do this Oh, no, you should do that. Oh, no, it’s not pretty. It’s not pretty at all. So that is what mom guilt is and Right after this we’re gonna talk about how you can start fighting back against it So if you have that little tree growing inside your brain right now, that’s like branching out and like totally taking you under its control, uh, we want to talk about some ways to really crush your mom guild, get rid of it, doing the work it takes to get past it totally.

Brie Tucker: isn’t some of that, like, also just recognizing, like, where we get it from? Like, I, I think, like, that’s a big factor of it. Because, like, if we don’t recognize where it’s coming from, and, and we gave a, those were great examples that we did before the break, about, how, like, you might hear it from, like, other people. But, I mean, if you don’t know where it’s coming from, then it’s hard to even get to a point where you can start to quiet it down. So, for starters, like, one of my big ones that I get it from all the time is, social media, and quite honestly, my own fears.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, can you think of like,

Brie Tucker: for me.

JoAnn Crohn: can you think of a recent social media post that you saw that made you go, Oh, like that makes me feel kind of icky

Brie Tucker: Um, trying to think like right now. Um, I, I’ve seen quite a few about, having these interactions with their kids, their teens. Cause I have teens right now. So having these interactions with their teens where like they, they role play something at where like their teen is upset and then they sit down and they talk to them and it’s like, It reminds me of the 1990s, our sitcoms, you know, Full House, how they, there’s this huge problem, but it gets resolved within 30 minutes and everybody’s happy at the end. Like I’ll see those and I get so upset and feeling like I’m such a crappy mom when I don’t get those results

JoAnn Crohn: Oh yeah.

Brie Tucker: And even

JoAnn Crohn: Those are triggering.

Brie Tucker: and even though so like it’s for me. It’s a couple things. It’s like, oh, I’m a crappy mom because I’m divorced And so I’ve made my kids life hell. That’s the whole like fear factor talking right there.

But then there’s the other part of like, And I know this and our work we do with No Guilt Mom, like we tell moms all the time, like, it’s a, it’s a long game. It’s a long game. All these techniques, all these strategies, there is no magic pill, guys. I hate to burst your bubble. There is no magic pill that makes something go away like, like that. but yeah, it’s, it’s so like, I get my, I get wrapped up in the social media. I’m like, well, it worked for them in 30 seconds. Why doesn’t it work for me in 30 seconds?

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, and social media is hard. Also coming from the other side of it, where you’re like putting yourself out there and then people will comment on you. there was just something on our social media this morning where Brie and I did a video about like, you’re the mom of a teen when, and like, we had so much fun with that video because it’s something that I think all.

Like most mobs can relate to like, these are the behaviors you get from teens. You get the sassiness, you get this feeling that like you aren’t doing enough or you’re not cool. I mean, my daughter’s recent dig on me was in at the dinner table where it wasn’t a dig directly, but, , she mentioned something like, Oh yeah, you have a side part going on. And I’m like, what is wrong with my side

Brie Tucker: defend that side part. I’m the one that suggested it. I will defend that to my death.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh my, yeah, but she says it’s so millennial and I’m like, I am a millennial. Like, what are you talking about?

Brie Tucker: Like, they, they, yeah, like, they say it in a way, it’s, well, I think, uh, Tina Fey had, like, a really good, like, I’ve seen it, a little soundbite of it where she was on some talk show. She’s like, yeah, having a teen is like having that office crush that doesn’t really like you back, that you’re like, Oh, hey! I’m gonna do this. Like, you wanna come? Maybe? You’re busy? No? Yeah? Like, like, we’re constantly trying to impress them and they’re constantly like, Pfft, whatever.

JoAnn Crohn: Whatever. You’re so uncool. Well, I’ve had these discussions with her before about like how those hurt my feelings. And so I looked at her and I’m like, You just insulted my side part. And she’s like, well, it works for you. Like, it’s good for you, mom. I just wouldn’t make that choice myself. You just have to laugh after a while because it’s so like, she’s just digging it. She’s digging her grave a little bit more. Like.

Brie Tucker: now! Serenity

JoAnn Crohn: the shovel and like throwing it over her shoulder, throwing it over her shoulder. but so we, we posted this video on social media and it’s funny, like go watch it. and this woman just commented this morning. I’m sorry that was your experience with teens. I raised three of them and they never insulted me. And I’m like,

Brie Tucker: Oh, but you just didn’t realize it.

JoAnn Crohn: where I pull my serenity out.

Brie Tucker: They did! You just didn’t catch it. Or,

JoAnn Crohn: you didn’t catch it. They’re very sneaky

Brie Tucker: or perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, Your kids don’t say stuff around you, but they say it around it’s still said, just not around you.

JoAnn Crohn: that, you know what? That is the funny part because,

Brie Tucker: Oh, yeah, cuz I have somebody in my life that says that to me all the time. Well, I don’t kids don’t do that around me. Oh, that’s great. I’m

JoAnn Crohn: they don’t tell you anything.

Brie Tucker: so glad. Chances are you don’t know half of their lives. Anyway, sorry.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s, it’s really funny because Josh and I were just talking about this the other day and he’s like, yeah, I don’t ever remember telling my parents all of this stuff about my life. And I’m like, yeah, I never told my parents this much either. Cause like our kids will come to us with their worries, with their fears, with their frustrations. And like my son recently has a fear. He, he had a dream that the house across the street, which is for sale right now, someone moved in there and kidnapped

Brie Tucker: my god.

JoAnn Crohn: And. Yeah, and he couldn’t get, and he couldn’t, like, he doesn’t want to ride his bike to school because of this dream. And we both remember, like, my husband and I both remember having dreams like that, but we would never tell it to our parents.

Because I didn’t ever want to put that on my parents, I think. I didn’t want them to think it was, like, make a big deal out of it. Nor did I think, like, a lot of times, I mean, I don’t remember specifically, but I’m guessing, I was told, Oh,

Brie Tucker: that’s what I was gonna say. Like we grew up in the 80s, 90s, where like our our parents Our parents were, they, well, uh, mine, I was a latchkey kid. I had my, I had my green jelly necklace that had my house key on the end of it and like ate ice cream for breakfast and. gorged on junk food when I got home, I just knew I had to have the house clean and ready by the time they got home at 5.

30, 6 o’clock, like, that’s, but, but you were also told, like, suck it up, you’re okay, and, and they didn’t do it out of, like, anger or anything like that, like, it just, that’s what their societal norms were, so, so, yeah, so I think part of that is, like, Again, like looking back, this mom guilt comes from what we’ve been taught by our parents, like you said, those gender roles and expectations of moms. It’s our job to fix everything. Like, how many times have you heard the joke of like, Oh, I know my kids will be in therapy talking about this later to their therapist about how I screwed this

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

Brie Tucker: Why you? Why mom? Why is

JoAnn Crohn: Why did you screw it up?! Yeah! I think that’s unfair. Usually it’s dad. No, you’re kidding! I’m kidding! I’m

Brie Tucker: trauma person. If you ask me, like, I’m pretty sure if you ask my kids, they will say that like. Both mom and dad have given them plenty of opportunities to talk about things in therapy, but

JoAnn Crohn: But I think, like, a lot of, a lot of mom guilt comes from this feeling that, we’re bad inside. Like, we’re bad people. We, like, have to apologize. We have to keep all of our mistakes under wraps. hopefully no one noticed

Brie Tucker: Oh yeah,

JoAnn Crohn: it also comes with, like, a lot of people don’t apologize to their kids ever. Like, they don’t, they Yeah. And I hear a lot about moms going to humble themselves for their kids. And when I think about that, I’m like, it’s not really humbling yourself when you’re apologizing. It’s actually a very, a very free process because when you are allowed to talk openly about your mistakes and say like, Hey, you know, I, I really am not proud I did that.

It opens so many doors. Yeah, you teach empathy. You show kids like, Hey, if somebody is grumpy to you or mad at you, it’s probably not you because here you are explaining to them. Yeah. I lost my cool with you because this is like the story I’m telling myself and this is what’s getting on under my skin. And I also have this, this and this. so it’s, it’s a real good

Brie Tucker: think it’s huge because again, you also know that people cannot You can’t stuff your feelings down. Like, if that is one thing that the 80s taught us, is that we can’t keep stuffing our feelings down. It just don’t, there isn’t enough volume in the world to allow mommy’s little helpers to make us like zombified and nobody wants to be.

So you have to be able to work through your feelings, which means you’re going to occasionally. not be perfect because, Oh, I don’t know. We’re human and teaching your kids that they don’t have to live up to perfection is amazing because like we’ve had so many therapists and doctors on the, on the podcast that have talked about the rise in mental health and anxiety and depression with our generation and our kids generation. We’re only adding onto that when we give this, Perception that we only do things perfectly, we never make mistakes, and that everything has to be done just so. it’s not helping for anybody.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s not helping for anybody. No, no. So it’s a process of letting go to when it comes to mom guilt. And, there is one thing that does happen when you start letting go of things like mistakes, happen things that like you felt like you should be on top of happens. In fact, one just happened to me and I’m going to tell you what it is right after this break. so we’ve gotten a little bit about what you can start doing about the mom guilt. And one of the first things you can start doing is letting go of things. Letting go of this feeling that you have to make sure that everything is in line and perfect and wonderful. There was a social media post actually the other day where it was talking about how to respond to your partner or your husband or spouse, when he rejects your claims about the mental load.

And one of them was like something I hear actually from my husband. is, you know, why you don’t have to do that many things. Like no one asked you to do that many things. And the response this psychologist gave that women could give was, Oh, well, of course no one asked me to do it, but these things need to be taken care of.

And I’m like, hold up. I don’t agree with this. I do not agree with this. I feel like some things in. Our lives can be dropped, so that other people can step up and take care of them. for sure, there are some things that like are bigger pains when they’re dropped, but there’s nothing that is, can’t be fixed. So for example, um,

Brie Tucker: It still can

JoAnn Crohn: It’s not burnt down. We have to, you know, we buy yearbooks for our kids during the school year. And, um, we, last year, actually we bought my daughter’s yearbook twice because we could not remember if we bought it in the first place.

Brie Tucker: Which is a whole nother thing about how the, how there should be a system to catch that, but neither here nor there today.

JoAnn Crohn: Uh, yeah, like it’s impossible. We have so many things going on in our lives. Yearbooks are not top priority. And so this year, like we made sure that my daughter had one yearbook. I’m like, I’m taking care of this, Josh. And I swear, I swear, I said. You take care of the other, of our son’s yearbook. Maybe I didn’t say it. I don’t

Brie Tucker: You’re like, you know, the thought came through your head, whether or not it

JoAnn Crohn: I know it came through my head.

Brie Tucker: you hate that when you’re like, I could have swore I said it. I see it in my head, me saying it, but I could have also walked through the conversation in my head. That does happen.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. So, all of these reminders came through on this stupid Parent Square, which I hate Parent Square so much. So much. It is this app that our school district uses. That is basically like social media for school announcements. So every day there’s a ping. Oh my, some schools have it. Some schools do All right. every day.

There is some notification about something else that really needs to be reminded or something, you know, so this yearbook thing comes through and it’s like, Oh, your book sales are closing. And I was like, Oh yeah, we got that. We got that. We got that. yearbook sales are closed. And then my husband brings up at dinner.

Hey, I was looking and I can’t find the yearbook receipt for our son. And I’m like, what? And I look through and like, I’m like, what company are they even through? I don’t know what company they’re through. Cause they change companies every single year. Turns out we didn’t get them a yearbook. And so there’s this number that says, and we got this at the close of the school day, by the way, call the office.

They ordered some, you could be put on the waiting list. So 7. 30 a. m. I set a reminder on my calendar, Brie. 7. 30 a. m. My reminder goes off to call the school office to get my son on this waiting list. 7. 30 a. m. When the school opens, guess what? Waiting list already filled. They’re all taken. They ordered 13 additional yearbooks, all gone. My son is not getting a yearbook this year.

Brie Tucker: Wah wah.

JoAnn Crohn: Uh, when he heard that he was crying, like he was crushed because he felt like he’s gonna be left out of all of the yearbook activities at school and everything. And immediately in my head, the first thing is like, because his stupid mom couldn’t get it together and buy the yearbook. And I’m like, hold up there!

Brie Tucker: You’re like, let’s talk about this, this missy mom guilt.

JoAnn Crohn: That’s a really crappy thing to say to yourself, JoAnn. And in Balance, we call it Bob, the voice of our Bob. Like, Bob, shut up! I have a lot of stuff going on right now. A lot of stuff going on, Bob. Like, this is unfair. And I apologized to him. I said, dude, I’m so sorry. I know. This hurts. I’m so sorry. And I just left it there.

And that’s all I could do. But it happens. Balls get dropped. And the only way other people are going to know to pick it up Is if those balls get dropped and everyone experienced the consequences. Now my son, he’s ten, gonna be eleven next year. Guess who is probably going to be on my ass to buy him a yearbook. And to make sure that he, that I get it

Brie Tucker: But you know what else? Guess who’s probably not gonna remember this in 3 years. In 6 months. Like, I’m

JoAnn Crohn: I don’t know. They have memories of

Brie Tucker: just saying that

JoAnn Crohn: They remember things for

Brie Tucker: be upset about it later. Like it’s going to suck. It’s going to be really hard on that day of signing the yearbooks. And there are alternatives again. Tales from a mother who has forgotten yearbooks before. Um, there are back, there are like little things that you can do, but still it’s. Yeah. It’s, we feel terrible in the moment. We feel awful.

JoAnn Crohn: it, And it does feel awful and emotions are real hard. They are really, really hard. And I think one of the ways that I have improved on mom gills, and I want to know what you think about this too, Brie, from your own, uh, like viewpoint is just accepting that emotions. Are uncomfortable at times and that it is going to be uncomfortable in this moment.

But also if you let yourself feel that emotion, like I felt the guilt right there. I felt the sadness. I felt the disappointment in myself all in that moment. And I just let myself feel it and gave it, gave myself some self compassion for it. Instead of beating myself up and being like, man, you should get that under control next time.

I was like, you have a lot of stuff. That you’re juggling right now, JoAnn, like he is sad, it’s going to be okay. And you’re hurting right now too. And you’re feeling really sad and like it’s painful and it’s okay. And I was just there and I was hugging myself and I was sitting quietly with myself. And of course I feel better today than I did yesterday about it.

And you get through it. And I think that has helped me a lot in mom guilt, knowing that if something happens and I forget something, or if something like the ball gets dropped, I’m going to get through it. And ultimately I am going to be okay for it.

Brie Tucker: I’m still,

JoAnn Crohn: with my kids. My kids will be okay too.

Brie Tucker: I’m still working through that journey myself. Like I, I actually, my, my process is I have to do a lot of talking it out because, and just saying how I feel, cause I used to just keep it all in, which didn’t help. It just made Bob louder because you just were like, yep. Yep. You’re right, Bob. I suck.

Yeah. I mean, every other mom managed to get their stuff together, but for me, I think I have to like talk it through. And a lot of times I have to hear somebody and, and, and that’s just me and my own journey because I have my own stuff I have to process. so I’m not as far along, but I guess what I’m trying to say is like, I need.

I have to constantly tell myself every morning. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough for my husband. I am enough for my family. I am enough for my kids. I’m enough for my, my coworkers. I’m enough for everybody. Because I constantly like have this thing that I’m not doing enough. I’m not enough for everybody.

I’m disappointing everyone. And so I’ll talk through that with my husband if I have something that gets dropped. Like I’m trying to think, um, Oh yeah, like my son’s birthday, recently, like he didn’t want to hang out for his birthday. He turned 17 over the weekend and the boy was like, Nope, I signed up to work all weekend.

And I’m like, why is that? Cause I don’t like birthdays and I just don’t want to do anything really big for my birthday. It’s just not my jam. So like I constantly kept second guessing everything I was doing and that I was screwing it up and I had already broken him and that’s why he didn’t want to do his birthday because you’re obviously broken if you don’t want to celebrate your birthday. Nothing, and I don’t mean doesn’t, right? Like, but I’m just saying like that is the dumbest thought ever. That because someone,

JoAnn Crohn: But Owee, hold on, hold on, hold on. Not the

Brie Tucker: Sorry. But I’m just saying like that, that’s the silliest thought ever. Like that, that because someone doesn’t enjoy an experience the same way I do, that there must be trauma involved in that. And why? Because I’m not a good enough parent. That’s why they have trauma. No, they just aren’t. They’re an introvert. They don’t like making a big deal. Never have mom, but

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, I would be, I would, I would approach it like with a lot more compassion to

Brie Tucker: again, like, so like my, my, my compassion, like sounding board is my husband. I’ll tell him all the nasty, crazy thoughts in my head that I don’t like to tell other people. And he’ll just do a, that sounds like a lot. And why are you telling yourself that? Well, because XYZ. Okay. I can tell you, I never saw Robert say or do or any of that. And I’m like, But he was probably thinking it. Yeah, but you don’t know what he’s thinking, right? So like, maybe? And then, and then after the

JoAnn Crohn: he does a good job of that. Miguel

Brie Tucker: right? And then after the conversation, I’m like, okay, so maybe I made it a bigger deal in my head than it really was. And I am enough and we move forward. But like, I have to really, I have a, I’m working on that journey of giving myself the compassion and the hugs and realizing that’s uncomfortable. And you know, I can’t, we can’t handle tears. Anybody cries. I’m immediately like anything I can do to make it better.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s so interesting, you know those things like if you wouldn’t say it to a good friend like Don’t don’t say it to yourself So I just want to offer another perspective when you were saying those funny thoughts I was like don’t be mean to my friend like that like stop Like that was that was my that’s why I jumped in i’m like wait a minute. You’re being so mean

Brie Tucker: know.

JoAnn Crohn: yourself And like i’m near tears like

Brie Tucker: we talk about that like, and, and balance and everything. So I’m getting ahead of myself. So, so we’ve talked about like what mom guilt is, how awful it could be, where it comes from. Now, what are those like, let’s talk a little bit more about what are those things that we can do about it to start moving forward in that compassion journey. Like you said, for starters, just letting yourself feel it. That’s huge.

JoAnn Crohn: Feel it giving giving yourself that self compassion instead of self criticism like don’t beat yourself up for feeling it either Don’t beat yourself up for thinking it like being like you are in pain right now because these thoughts are going through your head and it’s like a simple shift that really like Instead of trying to fight back against the pain and give all this resistance The resistance disappears and you just experience the pain and I feel like experiencing The pain is a lot easier than dealing with resistance

Brie Tucker: I have a perfect example of that. You’ve had a day, and like, a million things happen, and when that million and one thing happens, you just sit down and cry. You just cry. And do you not feel better most of the time after the cry is done? Like, because you’ve been holding it in all day long, and then like, once you finally just let yourself feel it, you’re like, okay. You just cry. I can move on now. I needed that. I was fighting it all day long, but I needed that. So that, that’s like, I feel like that’s a physiological example right there. All of us have had that happen.

JoAnn Crohn: yeah, I feel that it, that is a really good example of it. and we didn’t dig into it too much, but we are doing a podcast episode on this very, very soon is about values. That’s a way to counter expectations is if you feel like you’re expected to do something as a mom, like, Oh, you should have all the yearbooks purchased and you should make sure they’re totally dressed perfectly for school and look neat and presentable.

Like it’s a good place to determine where your values are and if your values lie in like connection or even growth for yourself and you’re looking at your child. And you’re handling everything for their child, your child, so much that they are not growing. I mean, that goes directly against your values And that’s a little like wedge in there and be like, Oh, maybe, maybe I don’t need to do all these things. Maybe it’s actually going against my values, doing all of these things instead of

Brie Tucker: Well, I think it’s a good example of like, why am I feeling so guilty about this? About the way I’m handling this because sometimes we don’t even know why we’re upset about the way we’re handling it or not, not upset, but guilty why we’re feeling that guilt. Chances are there’s a sneaky underlying reason for it. And like you just said, it’s because it goes against something that we value, like that’s, that’s making that go, Oh, you suck at this because you’re not meeting this value.

JoAnn Crohn: like society and social media and like, Mothers in law and moms or any woman in your life, even the. Men in your life, which, Oh my gosh, I got so mad at my dad, but I think I’ve talked about that before. I definitely talked about it in the no guilt mom weekly. So if you’re not on that list, make sure to go subscribe to the no guilt mom weekly.

We have a link in the show notes, but all of those voices can get in your head and make you do things that are actually against your values in the first place, and so you feel like this resistance to it, but again, look for that episode on values. We are going to go into it. Deep, deep, deep, deep. Um, and then if you, if you want help on this journey, we have balanced VIP for you, like come and give it a shot.

Like we have a link for you in the show notes. It was a good time in there. All of our women are like, Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I found this group. Like this is life changing. Jennifer, let’s give a shout out to Jennifer S for a minute.

Brie Tucker: Oh

JoAnn Crohn: she just mentioned the other day, she’s like, I told my doctor about no guilt, mom, and about balance and everything I’m doing in there. And I told them to go check it out as well, because it’s made such a change in my parenting and like. How happy I am and how connected I feel. And it’s amazing. So

Brie Tucker: a group of people that are there to help like support you and lift you up on your journey. However long that journey is and whatever that journey is. And like, that’s, that’s the amazing thing about it. And like the other thing too, that I, I love so much about balance is that not only do you, first of all, get to know that you’re not the only one that has that Bob and that mom guilt in those.

Like I like to say those scary thoughts going on in your head that you’re like, Oh God, I can’t believe I’m saying this to myself. you’re not alone. There are other people that are going through the exact same thing, but we also have the ability to give you the tools to help support you so that you can start making that mind shift.

Like, I know, like I said, I’m not necessarily as, as far along as, as you are in the compassion, but I’m working on it. I’m not giving up on it. And three years ago I would have, yeah, three years ago I wouldn’t even told you I needed compassion. I would have been like, I’m just fine. I’m totally fine. I’m a child of the nineties.

I’m fine. I’m not bleeding. Nothing’s broken. I’m fine. I can, I can function. It’s okay that the bone’s sticking out, like, but I can kind of, you know, twist it a little bit and you won’t see it. And it’s all good. It’s all good. It’s all good. It’s all good. Like, now I know it’s because I keep telling myself that I’m not enough and I need to keep reminding myself I am enough. It’s going to take more than that time, but balance helps support you in that.

JoAnn Crohn: exactly. Exactly. So remember. The best mom is a happy mom take care of you and we’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.

Brie Tucker

COO/ Podcast Producer at No Guilt Mom
Brie Tucker has over 20 years of experience coaching parents with a background in early childhood and special needs. She holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Central Missouri and is certified in Positive Discipline as well as a Happiest Baby Educator.

She’s a divorced mom to two teenagers.

Similar Posts