Podcast Episode 381: The Invisible Load Doesn’t Take a Summer Break – Here’s How to Lighten It Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn (00:01)

A lot of the stuff on our plate, because we’re home during the day, we have to drop everything. So if right now you look at your distribution of labor written out on a chart as to the chores you have and the chores that your spouse or partner has, I bet you anything that you don’t also have time allotted to the things that just come up that need you.

Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn here with the the brilliant chipmunk Brie Tucker. I don’t know. Brie’s making faces at me. That’s why.

Brie Tucker (00:38)

That’s how like honestly one day we need to like take a video and just splice it all together of the things I do to you during your intro. People, she is a professional. I constantly try to break her while she’s saying welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast and it has yet to happen yet, but I’m going to figure it out one day.

JoAnn Crohn (00:55)

I have secret, I don’t look at you, I look at me when I do the intro.

Brie Tucker (01:00)

because I do this crap.

JoAnn Crohn (01:01)

Yeah, sometimes.

Also, like, you’re little. Also, no, it’s sometimes like my social anxiety. I’m just used to looking at myself on the video other than other people. I feel like I concentrate better. I am able to keep my train of thought better because I’m constantly monitoring other people’s facial reactions. And sometimes I’ll see a reaction and I’ll be like, what? Or I’ll see that they want to speak. And that makes me automatically stop my train of thought, which is just a habit.

Brie Tucker (01:06)

Thank you!

That’s terrible with me, because people, if you haven’t figured it out from the podcast, because I’m pretty sure it comes through pretty loud and clear, I am an interrupter.

Brie Tucker (01:46)

I am someone that like jumps up and down trying to not forget the thought.

JoAnn Crohn (01:49)

Well, you’re training me well because I’m trying to like notice those in my mind, but then not react to them, not be reactive to it’s really a hard thing to do, but I am getting much better.

Brie Tucker (02:02)

I can’t do it. So hats off to you, girl. Yeah, if I see anybody doing anything in the background, I will immediately stop, especially with this whole perimenopause brain fog thing. I will stop and just go, I don’t know what I was saying. Go on.

JoAnn Crohn (02:18)

Well, it happens, it happens. And it makes being a mom sometimes really difficult, especially if you struggle with the neurodiversity, which we do, both ADHD, going through perimenopause with all the brain fog, all the reactions, all the hormonal stuff. I just started hormone replacement therapy. Supposedly, I’m supposed to feel results in two weeks. It’s been a week, so I can’t report to y’all yet what…

Results i’m having i think it’s good though actually all of my thoughts have kind of become happier lately and more optimistic so that’s a good thing that’s That’s a good thing yeah

Brie Tucker (02:50)

I love that. And it kind of brings us into how, so we are experiencing this year round right now because of the whole perimenopause thing. But the summer in general, I feel, is a hard time because it’s full of interruptions. It’s full of trying to figure out what everybody wants and trying to accommodate everybody’s needs. And…

It loses the structure that we had for like nine months out of the year.

JoAnn Crohn (03:23)

Ding ding ding structure. Structure is what keeps us operating at an optimal level, especially when you have ADHD, because you have to rely on your routine. And that just gets smashed to bits during the summer.

Brie Tucker (03:36)

Yeah, there’s no rhyme or reason for the summer. I had so many systems when my kids were little to try to control the summer. And I would say it maybe had about a 50 to 40 % success rate. Yeah. You know.

JoAnn Crohn (03:52)

It’s hard. It’s hard. So if you have ever packed all the things for your kids, the four swimsuits, eight snacks, sunscreen, and you still forgot the most important thing for your kids and have driven yourself crazy, you, my darling, are not wrecked.

There’s nothing wrong with you, but you are struggling with the invisible load and we’re going to give you some strategies on how to deal with it in this episode. And we also have something to take away some of your invisible load. If you have some older children, like in the nine to 14 year old range, we have a little special gift for you about our course, Not to Bummer Summer. So you have to wait till the end of the episode. Cause you know, we all like a good cliffhanger, like those things we want you here. We want to spend this time with you. So with that, let’s get on with the show.

You want mom life to be easier. That’s our goal too. Our mission is to raise more self-sufficient and independent kids. We’re going to have fun doing it. We’re going to help you delegate and step back. Each episode, we’ll tackle strategies for positive discipline, making our kids more responsible and making our lives better in the process. Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast.

JoAnn Crohn (05:15)

So this invisible load, Brie, you and I really struggle with it a lot. The lack of structure drives, I think, both of us downhill pretty fast. It does.

Brie Tucker (05:23)

And then there’s also the fact that you and I both work from home. So I would say that invisible load, first of all, if you’ve listened to us, you know that we talk about it a lot. It is there, it exists, you can’t deny it. The stuff that we think about that nobody else does. Let’s just start there. And both you and I have a very recent story of the invisible load. So as much as I would love to tell you it goes away as your kids become teenagers, because I do say a lot about how much

easier it is this summer for me with both my kids driving and having their own work schedules. I still have this massive invisible load that I’m pretty bitter about right now. I’m pretty freaking bitter.

JoAnn Crohn (06:04)

my gosh, okay, so I have to hear what is it?

Brie Tucker (06:07)

Okay, so I am pissed that I am the only person in this house that thinks about the fact that we now have to have like three times the food here for my kids. Right, because they’re home and they’re teenagers. So it’s not like I can just hand them like a Uncrustable and go, here’s your lunch. Right? So like every week we go grocery shopping and I’m reminding my kids every stick in week, we have an app.

JoAnn Crohn (06:17)

because they’re home.

Brie Tucker (06:32)

We have the Cozy app and I have them add their stuff to the list. It’s easier than me trying to get them to tell me what they want me to do shopping. And I just remind them, hey guys, we’re going grocery shopping tomorrow. I need your stuff on the list. I need your stuff on the list. And then Sunday rolls around, JoAnn, we go grocery shopping and there is not a damn thing on that list for my kids. And then you know what happens after grocery shopping? Monday, Tuesday, my daughter be rummaging through, there’s nothing to eat.

Brie Tucker (06:59)

I’m hungry for lunch. What are you eating mom? And I’m like, you’re almost 17, make your own lunch. And you didn’t tell me to buy you anything. So that is my point. Even my kids don’t think about the fact that they need to eat when they’re hungry during summer break, that they need a breakfast and they need a lunch, which they didn’t need during the school year. And why am I the only one that thinks about that?

JoAnn Crohn (07:23)

I know I know it’s like you’re the only one we always think in terms of meals I go back to the Beauty and the Beast meme where the beast is yelling

Brie Tucker (07:35)

I love that.

JoAnn Crohn (07:36)

Well, with me, my daughter is away at camp right now and she’s 16. And my son is here at home. He’s 11. And it’s pretty easy when the two of us are here at home, especially now that he’s older. It was not as easy when he was little, but he’s grown into his own. He’s actually a really, really cool human being. I was here home on Monday and my husband was on a business trip and my husband had scheduled an air conditioner maintenance to come out.

Brie Tucker (08:06)

Yeah, just maintenance, right?

JoAnn Crohn (08:08)

Check the air filters, check all the things. And so since I work from home, I’m like, okay, sure. Like how long will this take? Famous last words. How long will this take? Seriously, the amount of stuff you deal with when you have to juggle. When you’re the one. Yeah. Everything. So it wasn’t one person who showed up, Brie. It was two. It was plumbing and air conditioner.

JoAnn Crohn (08:35)

They came in at first because they were the run by the same company. Hi, AC doctors. They came in first and he’s wearing an AC doctor shirt and I’m here and I’m like, Hey, how are you? Let me show you where like everything is. And I am on a meeting. have to do a meeting downstairs. And he’s like, ⁓ and I was showing in the air conditioners. He’s like, I’m here for the plumbing. What?

Brie Tucker (08:57)

We didn’t call a plumber.

JoAnn Crohn (08:59)

I just stopped there and I just rolled with it, Brie. I’m like, the plumbing. Okay. Well, let me show you the bathrooms. And he’s like, actually, I need the water heater. I’m like, okay, fine. Water heater’s in the garage. Let’s go do that. And I go back down to my meeting. He comes down, he knocks. He’s like, okay, I just have a few things to show you always. this will take really, really quick. But it’s like five minutes out of my focus time. Five minutes out of the focus time. ⁓

Brie Tucker (09:22)

Which doubles, by the way, if you guys don’t know the math, the five minutes away from focus time equals 10 minutes trying to get back into the focus time later. ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (09:32)

Forget what you’re doing. Yeah. I was in the middle of a project. And of course that project, like I started a new project when I came down. that project was like, yeah, yeah. But on top of that, I have to find a place for the dog when this repairman’s in. And so I’m like knocking on my son’s room and he is just woken up and I put the dog in his room.

Brie Tucker (09:39)

Of course.

JoAnn Crohn (09:52)

And he’s texting me, when are you going to come get the dog? Because it’s been like a few hours and the repairman still here because of course he found out that the water heater needed to be replaced. of course, I agree with him. He wasn’t trying to run a scam on me. I agreed with him. Our water heater is old. He showed me where it’s leaking. He showed me like all the things.

Brie Tucker (10:12)

The timing was just bad.

JoAnn Crohn (10:14)

The timing was bad. And then to top it off, the actual air conditioner guy came after that. And he was here for like three hours.

Brie Tucker (10:22)

You forget to add in the fact that they were texting you during all this because they were texting me during it. They were trying.

Brie Tucker (10:31)

It was awful guys. was awful. and yeah, right. And that’s the kind of stuff that people don’t even us being in the moment, you know, the summer’s going to be hard. Right. But you don’t know how hard until you’re in it. And it feels to me, and I could be wrong, but it feels to me that a lot of people that don’t live in the trenches of being in the home with the kids or being the one who maintains the schedule of the home.

and actually like mans it is actually there for everything that the other people in the family think that summer is easier. ⁓ it’s crazy. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (11:09)

No!

It’s crazy!

Okay. So when I was telling you that story, maybe somebody listening out there was like, JoAnn, why don’t you just set a boundary? Hi, I set a boundary with those two repairman multiple times, which they of course did not respect my boundary. And you’re left with that thing. Like it’s not a long-term relationship with this repairman. I can’t do anything from that standpoint where I would usually do with my kids.

Brie Tucker (11:36)

I love how you just said that. It’s not a long term relationship.

JoAnn Crohn (11:41)

I have additional tools at my disposal for my long-term relationships. But when they’re here and I actually need what they’re doing, our water heater was taken out at that time. I needed that water heater back in.

Brie Tucker (11:55)

I hadn’t showered yet! I needed it!

JoAnn Crohn (11:59)

You don’t think about those things because rarely does it go smoothly. I’ve also heard from one of our balance members, she was having trouble with her kids being on the couch all day long and she’s just sick of it. She’s like, go outside and do something with your life. And she was talking to her husband about it and her husband was like, well, you’re the mom, shouldn’t they just listen to you? Which I was like, ha ha ha ha!

Brie Tucker (12:24)

my God, you know what immediately went through my head? As much as I love my husband, I think I would still blurt this out to him even though I would never say this to him in any other scenario. I would be like, bite me.

JoAnn Crohn (12:35)

Yeah, exactly. I’m like, obviously, and I was telling her, I’m like, he has obviously not been home with the children enough. And does not know what he’s talking about.

Brie Tucker (12:50)

That being said, I want to throw out like a few things and I’m hoping that I’m catching the bulk of our audience with a yep, that’s me, that’s me, that’s me. So some of the crap and it is crap of the invisible load that we have to handle during the summer is like, who’s going to bring the snacks to whatever activity we’re doing, know, swim lessons, going to the mall, going to the museum. Did I register the kids for camp crap? Did I get them the shirts that they needed for camp?

Am I ready for Spirit Week? What time is that birthday party again? Are the kids reading enough? Like you just said, are they on screens too much? What’s the schedule? What are we going to do tomorrow? ⁓ it’s raining. Guess we can’t go to the park. What’s our new plan?

JoAnn Crohn (13:36)

Yeah. Who will be home for lunch or dinner? What about extended family? We’re meeting them for dinner tomorrow night. they just got sick. we have to reschedule. ⁓ so much. There’s so, so much.

Brie Tucker (13:47)

And like we said, the mental load happens all year long. We never get a break. But that’s why we’re here, people. We are going to give you suggestions. FYI, don’t want this to sound like, my God

JoAnn Crohn (13:59)

This can be very therapeutic for everybody listening, just knowing and hearing this. Acknowledging. you’re thinking, oh, I’m not alone. Oh, this isn’t just me. This drives me crazy.

Brie Tucker (14:09)

Right? are so not alone. We all go through this. And like we said at the beginning, I feel like a big piece of it is because it’s not as structured as the other nine months out of the year when your kids are in school. Even if you homeschool them, you have a probably different structure during homeschooling time than you do when you’re taking a family break.

JoAnn Crohn (14:30)

Absolutely. So right after this, we’re going to get into the tips on how you can alleviate some of this invisible load.

I think about this a lot for you because I’m right in middle of writing my book. just finished everybody telling everybody.

Brie Tucker (14:48)

It’s not an easy task, girl. So I’m very proud of you for that.

JoAnn Crohn (14:51)

I was like, ⁓ and it’s really interesting though, because side note, while I was writing the book, I do the introduction last, which is what I’m working with selfpublishing.com. That’s what they tell you to do, do the introduction last. And so this morning I started my self editing, which is what I go through before I go with the professional editor. But it was really easy to get through the introduction.

I was very well worded, everything made sense. And then as soon as I started on chapter one, which, know, was the first thing I started writing, it became choppy. And I’m like, dude, I became a better writer through the process of writing this book. And was so like much, was probably the fear just went away because I’d do it over and over over again. wasn’t rethinking, overthinking it rather. So I’ve been thinking a lot about why we as women get kind of stuck in a situation where we have all the invisible load. And I think.

my armchair expert is, and reading other research about it, is because it starts when our kids are born. We’re the ones who are given maternity leave. We’re the ones who are there, home, watching our kid, learning to recognize their signals because they can’t communicate with words or anything yet, knowing how to anticipate when something will happen based on their signals and the patterns we see because we’re home with them all the time. That then it just continues the rest of their life.

Because if we have a partner at home, their fathers haven’t been home with them as much as we have, just because of the way our society is structured, how they don’t get paternity leave here in the US. Yes.

Brie Tucker (16:26)

Let’s also just like, okay, there are mommy and me classes, very few daddy and me classes. Let’s just start with that, right? And we’ve had so many podcast episodes and I will drop a few of them into the show notes here for you guys. If you want to listen to more about this, because it’s a thing. Dads have less expectations placed on them by society. So because of that, unless somebody brings it up, right? That, hey, you could do more.

Or have you checked to see like how the load equals out to what your partner is doing? Unless that conversation has come up at some point in their life. I would say for a lot of dads, for a lot of guys, for a lot of other people in the family, they don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t. I’m going to give them a little bit of a pass there, but once it’s brought up and you continue to ignore it, that’s a whole different scenario. And I’m not going to stay on that soapbox.

JoAnn Crohn (17:22)

I would say, yes, they don’t know what they don’t know. They’re also kind of set up for failure in another way where men are taught that they need to succeed at their job and they to be really, really big and high earning there. And the pressure there, which is a lot of stress and it complicates the relationships with their partners and with their kids because of that stress. Whereas women, like we’re put all in the relationship and that complicates our earning power.

Brie Tucker (17:35)

and the pressure, right?

JoAnn Crohn (17:51)

because we’re taken out of the workforce for so long. And it complicates our skills outside the home just because of how we were born.

Brie Tucker (17:58)

And I also feel like you were talking about like how, you know, as soon as we have our kids as a society, women are put into the role of the default parent. Yeah. As a society. Now your home structure might be different. Maybe you are awesome at communicating and you and your partner right from the get-go already acknowledged that this could come up and you guys already came up with a plan. And if that’s the case, I love that for you. That is freaking amazing. You are a rock star. Talk to all your friends about it.

But for those of you that didn’t have that scenario, we just want to acknowledge that mom, yeah, you’re probably the default parent, which means you’ll be in the bathroom, taking a shower. Your partner will be in the living room watching TV and the kids will still come in and open the shower door to ask you if they can have more time on their iPad instead of the other parent that is freely available.

JoAnn Crohn (18:51)

Oh my gosh, I have to tell you something that I did today by the way that comes along those lines. Now obviously we don’t have little kids at home anymore. So I don’t have as many opportunities to do this, but we do have a dog who acts like a toddler and creates messes wherever.

Brie Tucker (19:07)

She’s also adorable like a toddler, but go on.

JoAnn Crohn (19:09)

Go on. Yes, she is. She’s wonderful. But like many husbands and men, my husband spends a lot of time in the bathroom. Like many. I’m not calling him out here. I’m saying like many. While he was in the bathroom this morning and I was like downstairs editing my book, my dog had decided to just throw up right on our carpet. ⁓ I walk in the bedroom. I see it and I see him and he’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth and everything.

And I was like, my gosh, like, ⁓ Addy, like, why’d you do that? And I was going to go into my default mode, Briei, of being the one who cleans it up and do everything. And I stopped myself right there and I looked at my husband and I’m like, I’m going to take her on a walk. You got this? And he’s like, okay, sure.

Brie Tucker (19:56)

He was hoping deep down that you would do both.

JoAnn Crohn (20:00)

I thought he was hoping. I don’t know if he was consciously like we have these discussions a lot about mental load and everything like that. Yeah. And it might’ve been unconscious. And yeah, I don’t know what it was, but this was the first time I’ve actually been able to stop myself in the moment, not automatically clean it up when it wasn’t connected to something he was supposed to do, when it was actually connected to just crap that happens.

Brie Tucker (20:05)

What’s wrong with hoping, right?

Okay, you go. Here you go then.

JoAnn Crohn (20:31)

Here’s to a job.

We talk a lot about like, we talk about delegating tasks to our partner and these natural consequences where if he didn’t take out the trash and the dog gets in the trash, yeah, that’s a natural consequence you clean up after the dog. But in this scenario, I was also taking on all the random crap that happens.

Brie Tucker (20:52)

Right. And I don’t feel like when there is a two-parter to something, there’s any problem separating the two. But I do want to acknowledge that. And again, this is perfect scenario. What we would love to get towards, right? Is that you were both able to split it up and nobody was upset with the other person. Because again, hoping is one thing, expecting is different. And I feel like the vast majority of us.

If you’re new to this concept about the whole mental load, default parent, splitting things up more equitably, you may not have had these conversations. And if that’s the case, you might be feeling overwhelmed by the fact that everything relies on you. Why is it that you have to be the one to figure out how to problem solve that scenario when there’s another adult in the room? have to start somewhere. So what you did…

JoAnn Crohn (21:43)

Exactly.

Brie Tucker (21:50)

just by saying, I’m gonna do this, you got that? That is a really great way of not, because how else could that have gone? That could have gone with you walking in there and going, ugh, come on, you’re just gonna let the vomit sit there? You saw it, you’re there.

JoAnn Crohn (22:05)

Right? I turn in words so I don’t go outwards on him. I turn in words and because I know he finds the dog a little bit of a nuisance, even though he loves her deeply, he cuddles with her all the time. So I feel like.

Brie Tucker (22:18)

Don’t worry. Yeah. Love and hate relationship.

JoAnn Crohn (22:21)

the dog is my responsibility or something. And so like, would be cleaning it up and I’d be like, ⁓ my husband’s dealing with so much and like, but I want like another bowl and like, I’ll have to do all the cleaning and take all of this on and blah, blah, blah. All the junk that goes through our heads. But right after this guys, if you are feeling that way too, and you’re listening to this, we have four things that you can do, four specific steps. And I have something else for you to keep in mind so that if you have that problem where you automatically jump in and

JoAnn Crohn (22:51)

clean things up, this one thought is going to totally turn things around for you as to what to look for to reduce your invisible load. And we’ll do that right after this.

So right before the break, I said this one thought about reducing your invisible load. And this comes from Eve Rotsky, her work on fair play. And it’s this. Most of your invisible load comes from the stuff that can’t be planned for. That stuff that you have to stop everything you’re doing in the moment to take care of. And that stuff is really what weighs on us. Because we can’t make the plans to take care of the dog puking randomly on the carpet. We can’t make the plans what to do when the kid’s sick, what to do when you have repairmen here at house and they’re knocking on your door every five minutes interrupting your meetings. It’s all of those things. And a lot of times when responsibilities are separated in the home, what happens is that the guys get the responsibilities they could do at any time. The trash, hard work.

Even the whole wash the dishes thing. Sometimes those dishes are on the counter for a long time because I mean, why do you have to do it right away if there’s still more dishes that are available to use?

Brie Tucker (24:10)

Clearly you’ve never lived in a house that had an ant infestation.

JoAnn Crohn (24:13)

I have and the dishes were clean.

Brie Tucker (24:16)

Okay then, okay, all right, cool. I’ll give you, I’m like, that takes me back to my college days living in rural Missouri where it’s like, you can’t leave anything out, the ants are gonna get it.

JoAnn Crohn (24:25)

We don’t currently have that problem. rinse everything. So with the dishes, like the way they stay on the counter, they’re rinsed. All the food is off of them. They are just not deep cleaned yet. Gotcha. That’s rule in my house. Like you have to go rinse the dish. Oh my gosh. we didn’t rinse the dishes, all of our dishes would be broken and on the floor because that dog would jump up on the counter and try to lick all the dishes and then like, oh, it’d be a mess. It’d be such a mess. But it’s a task that could wait. Whereas a lot of the stuff on our plate, because we’re home during the day.

Brie Tucker (24:36)

Gotcha.

JoAnn Crohn (24:54)

We have to drop everything. So if right now you look at your distribution of labor written out on a chart as to the chores you have and the chores that your spouse or partner has, I bet you anything that you don’t also have time allotted to the things that just come up that need you right away. When the kids have an issue, which is like 15 times a day.

Brie Tucker (25:14)

Yeah. I know especially during the summer

Brie Tucker (25:23)

I feel like during the school year, our kids take on a lot more, no matter what age you have. would love to hear from our audience if you guys agree with this or not, but I feel like no matter what age they are, kids are way more responsible during the school year. What I just mean is they’re more willing to problem solve stuff to get it done. And I think this is my armchair experience. It’s because they don’t have as much time.

Brie Tucker (25:53)

They know they got to get schiznit good so that they have time to go play their video games or do whatever it is that they want to do with their limited spare time. But during the summer, they’re like, well, I have a whole extra seven hours because I’m not in school anymore. So I can totally wait for mom to solve this for me. Why do I have to worry about the brain power? And that’s the part that irritates me that I’m like, you know this.

JoAnn Crohn (26:19)

Let’s talk about that. Okay. Because I think that really aligns with our first strategy, which is about stop filling the silence, like stop trying to keep your kids entertained during the summer or find things for them to do or solve other problems, which is also it. Can you think of like, I know I’m putting on the spot here, Brie with this one, but can you think of like a problem that they’ve waited and they want you to solve for them?

Brie Tucker (26:33)

or solve all their problems.

Okay, well, this is gonna sound really, really nitpicky and whatever.

JoAnn Crohn (26:49)

No, it’s not nitpicky because it bothers you. Emotions are signals.

Brie Tucker (26:55)

So like a problem that my daughter has a lot during the summer is, well, we just got the puppy. We just got a puppy this year. She got herself a puppy back in April. She’s babying it, all these things. And she bought it a pool recently, a pool. And then we decided when she bought the pool, she wanted to get him a splash pad. So she got a splash pad. And she wanted to put it together yesterday, but she couldn’t do it by herself. it turned into she was doing it. And somehow I got roped into it because

My office is on the first floor right next to the front door, which is where our hoses, we live in a townhouse. So I couldn’t get away from it. Even when I told her that I was busy and everything, I still got roped into doing it. I still got roped into helping her set up the splash pad and all that jazz. And then somehow I got stuck out there for 20 minutes because I couldn’t leave the home because she wanted to sit next to her dog. And now here we are the next day and it’s all still sitting outside.

after I asked her to clean up and put away. She’s like, well, I don’t know where to put it. I’m not sure where I should put it when it’s done. And then, you know, I’ve got to put it back in a box and blah, blah. What the

JoAnn Crohn (28:04)

I have a solution for that. Please.

Brie Tucker (28:07)

Please. As you can tell, it’s still raw, people. It’s still raw.

JoAnn Crohn (28:12)

I mean, I’m feisty. I’m like, I know a place I could put it. And they’re like, mom, I’m not throwing it away. I’m like, okay, cool. Well then just take care of it. And I won’t have to put it that place. Cool with me.

Brie Tucker (28:25)

Yeah, that’s true. That’s true.

JoAnn Crohn (28:27)

Always my reaction. First thing.

Brie Tucker (28:30)

Well, and I will fully cop up to the fact that I have a very hard time not trying to solve things for people. And you know that, you know that. I like the silence and I don’t like people that I love suffering any inconvenience. So I constantly try to fix it. But I do know, and when I’m lucky, my logical brain will win out on this one, that I need to let them figure it out for themselves because otherwise they’re going to end up.

going off to college or moving out of my house and not knowing how to do anything. It’s not good.

JoAnn Crohn (29:04)

It’s true that and like it could build a little bit of resentment to to come in and try to fix things for people. Yeah. Because a lot of times when you have a problem and somebody comes and tries to fix it for you, they don’t know the depths of that problem yet. Kids are different. know, kids, they’re like, I can get out of doing this and somebody can figure it out for me. But sometimes, you know, I try to help my daughter. Honestly, I help her.

I know to stay out of it. like, do you want me to vent to me right now or do you want help? And she’ll say, what do you want to say, mom? And I’ll say that. And she’ll be like, well, that won’t work because of this, this, this, and this. And I’m like, okay, I get this. I’m going to step back. Yeah. Because she’s already tried to figure out the problem herself, which is great. But like the stop filling the silence, it works twofold. Like you said, it teaches kids how to do things for themselves. And

It like also protects your relationship with them because then you can just be there as the, that’s really hard. I hate that too. I’m busy with this over here. Good luck on that. Right. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (30:09)

Okay, so, so we our first advice is stop filling the silence, let kids figure stuff out on their own, let them be bored, let them have that faith that they will figure it out and have the faith that they probably don’t have in themselves at the moment. Yeah, they will figure it out. It won’t be the of the world. If they’re mad at you, it’ll be a short period of time. They’ll get over it.

 JoAnn Crohn: They will.

Brie Tucker: (30:31)

 What’s number two .

>> JoAnn Crohn: (30:32)

Invisible task you’re doing and share them with somebody. It could be a partner, but as you know, the partners is sometimes just don’t get it. Like how I was talking about our balance member who was talking with her partner about, you know, the kids won’t do anything during that.

>> Brie Tucker: (30:45)

And he’s like, they should just listen to you. Yeah, great. You tell them that it. Right.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (30:51)

Yeah. So like find someone you can share your invisible task with who will validate you, who will tell you, oh my gosh, I deal with that as well. And this is sucks so much because I think as moms, we’re kind of lonely in our little bubbles and we do need that connection with other women who are experiencing the same exact thing, so namely invisible tasks. Share them out loud. Share them in a journal. Share them with friend.

>> Brie Tucker: (31:17)

Well, I think that is the piece that gets missed a lot. Sharing it with others who understand is probably the first thing you wanna do. And then if you’re up for it, I promise you it’ll be hard, but it’s worth it in the long run of sharing those invisible tasks with your entire family. So, like, at some point, sit down with everybody and list out all the crap that has to happen while you’re home here over the summer that you’re maintaining that, you know, it doesn’t have to all be on you because it’s kind of like we talk about a lot and we get this from Tina Payne Bryson, you gotta name it to tame it with your emotions. The same with the invisible tasks. You have to name them for them to be seen by other people. Sometimes it’s frustrating, but it’s true.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (32:08)

And sometimes people will look at them and be like, oh, that’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal. As to which point, let me say the thing that’s not usually said. Sometimes you need to let them experience it and you need to leave, go somewhere Outside of your house, do something for yourself. Go away. And if you have a partner at home, let them handle the house. No notes, no preparation, do not give them dinner plans, nothing. Just leave and let them handle it.

>> Brie Tucker: (32:36)

Yep.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (32:37)

And if you’re saying, oh, JoAnn, I can’t do that, I would feel so guilty doing that. Try it just for like a day or two just to leave. I cannot tell you how much more understanding my husband has of, what I go through during the day after I come back from a trip where I have been away. And he’s handling everything himself.

>> Brie Tucker: (32:56)

Yeah. It makes us be loved a little bit more. Got to be honest, appreciated. Not love, appreciate it.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (33:01)

And I’m not saying it’s the like, fix for every single thing that happens in a relationship.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (33:09)

It’s not meant to be used as like a f you all, I’m going away and see how you deal with it. But it can help a little bit with that understanding. And of course, there’s more things there. So.

Tip number three:

 Pick one special thing a week. Just pick the one thing that you’re

>> Brie Tucker: (33:20)

Okay. Tip number three was something that I actually, you know how I was talking about during the summers that there were several summers, like, I wanna say like five summers that I worked for a local school district. And so I was off on the summers with my kids and I tried all these different systems. Cause I was like, oh my God, I get summer break with my kids. This is so amazing. And then I realized it was a lot of worke. But eventually, near the end is what I figured out. This trick. Pick one special thing a week. And that is your thing that younna make sure it happens no matter how you do it. Right. And when I say magic, that’s just a fancy word. Just pick the one thing that you’re like, this is my win. This is what I really want to get done this week and all the rest. It can happen or not happen. And it takes practice. Again. Right. Because from one control freak that’s brief to many people who either are control freaks are not. When you try to make a magic moment every day, when you try, to get it, one magic moment or one magical thing for each person in your family every day, or one magic thing for each person and your family individually out of the like, that’s a lot that could 5, 6, 10, whatever. Just be easy on yourself. Just one thing a week. And then that also does teach other people in the family that they can make magic.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (34:50)

 Exactly. You are not the magic maker when you say that. I’m like, are people making magic for you? Exactly. Who is making magic for you? Because you deserve the magic, as well.

>> Brie Tucker: (35:01)

 Oh, wait, wait, wait. What about when you have like a little kid and their magic is Mommy, I created this amazing play DOH sculpture for you. Don’t you love it? And you’re like, oh, it’s so pretty. And then you turn the corner and see where they were doing the play doh. And your, let’s say your kitchen, it’s trash because there’s play DOH everywhere. The dog is eating it. It’s smushed into the carpet. And you’re like, oh, my God.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (35:25)

 That’s what we learn. How to clean up.

>> Brie Tucker: (35:27)

I mean, so, we’re talking about real magic moments for you, not the ones that somebody does and it creates a bazillion. Like, I remember one time for mother’s day, my husband let me sleep in. And that is when the kids really little and they made breakfast. Oh, that was so. Yeah. And it was so sweet, so thoughtful. He gets credit for that. However, the whole kitchen was left for me to clean up. I had to do all the dishes.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (35:56)

 That’s not a magic moment. That is a crapic moment. Because I like that crapic.

>> Brie Tucker: (35:59)

That’s our new word. It is.

>> JoAnn Crohn: (36:02)

That’s a new. It’s a moment that people put forward and be like, look, I did this. Oh, pat me on the back. Oh. But I really did make your life easier. Actually needed 10 times harder.

>> Brie Tucker: (36:11)

If my 5 year old did that, I would give them credit, but I would also walk them through the rest of it. As an attult, it was slightly disappointing, but, you know, the heart was in the right place, but the brain was not right.

JoAnn Crohn: (36:25)

I would say with this person, I’d get very mad.

So many kids struggle with setting goals and actually knowing what it takes to get

Anyway, so we’ll go to the okay, subject. So we talked about three little tips. You could do that. Stop filling all the silence. Let the kids be bored. Let things happen. Name the invisible task and if not, go away. And let’s people see the invisible task. And then pick that one magic moment a week. Making sure it’s not a crapic moment. Not you, but like, making sure that, like, if, someone else is creating magic for you, it’s not a crapic moment for you. It is a magic moment for you. And if you struggle, just like our balance member did with getting your kids to do something like that is one of the things on your invisible load. We have a solution for you. So many kids struggle with setting goals and actually like knowing what it takes to get to the goal. And so I created this course called not so Bummer summer it is four kids, nine to 12. They’re gonna claim one big goal this summer and then I’m goingna take them through the planning process on how to make that happen. So things we’ve seen kids do in the past, creating their own YouTube channel, making their own baking business actually, like learning a new skill like video editing. Learning about something that they really want to learn about for a while. One family, I remember the daughter wanted to learn about the Apollo 13 mission and so she studied that for the summer. Yeah. So there’s all these cool things that kids could do. It’s called not so bummer summer and we want to give it to you for 50% off for being a podcast listener. That means you get it for $20 guys, $29. And you can have a great, great summer for your kids where they are involved in focus. And to go and get that, it is www.noguiltmom.com/summer. That’s where you have to go. Noguiltmom.com/summer S U M M E R and use the code podcast 50.

Brie Tucker: (38:12)

Also have a link in the show notes.

JoAnn Crohn: (38:15)

We have a link in the show notes for you too. But go get your kids doing something this summer. Oh my gosh, they are going to be so excited about what they accomplish. And little sneak, little tidbit, it’s like putting those veggies in with the candy. Those skills that I teach, the goal setting, the planning, they directly relate to long term project planning which they have to do throughout school and throughout their whole lives.

Brie Tucker: (38:42)

 It’s amazing.

JoAnn Crohn: (38:43)

 It’s amazing. So go there. No Guilt mom .com Summer get nuts. So Bummer Summer for your kids. I want to hear how it works for you. And until next time, remember, Best mom’s a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: (38:54)

Thanks for stopping by.