Podcast Episode 385: Spouse Resentment: Why You’re Feeling It & What to Do Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

Brie Tucker (00:01)

As moms, we are stuck trying to hold everything together during the summer. And a lot of us, we try not to ask our partner for help. If you’re the default parent for the summer, chances are good that means you’re the one who’s in ground zero with the kids.

JoAnn Crohn (00:18)

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I am your host JoAnn Crohn  joined here by the brilliant Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker (00:26)

Hello, hello everybody, how are you?

JoAnn Crohn (00:29)

Today, we’re talking about resentment in the summertime.

Brie Tucker (00:33)

When it comes large and in charge for the summer people, mean, I don’t know about anybody else, but even with a 18 and 16 year old and an incredibly supportive husband, I was super resentful at the beginning of summer. Because nobody was thinking about all the summer crap that has to be done. Everybody was like, life is just the same. No, it’s not.

JoAnn Crohn (00:55)

How is it not? We do not have very different viewpoints on what needs to be done.

Brie Tucker (01:00)

school was wrapping up and we were getting into summer vacation. My husband just kind of kept going on like, okay, well, this is summer, I’m still doing my work schedule, I’m still doing meal planning. I’m like, okay, meal planning now has to include breakfast and lunch for two teenagers that eat freaking trash trucks, devour everything and they’re so picky. I was like, plus now we also have to figure out

Brie Tucker (01:23)

who’s home, who isn’t when I’m working, then it’s going to be like interrupting my recording sessions and whether or not I need a car to go somewhere. Just a lot of things get changed in the summer and I feel like we are left to figure it out on our own. And that makes me resentful.

JoAnn Crohn (01:40)

I could see that, yes. I do have those situations where like, yeah, I can hear that. I can see that too in my own life because I mean, my daughter’s away right now in a summer school program, but my son is home. And so there is that additional juggling. I mean, it’s not as much juggling as say when he was seven or eight, because he’s almost 12 now. I look back to the seven and eight year old days and I’m like, thank the Lord that we’re no longer in that situation because those were so hard. So hard to juggle everything I had to do with all of his needs. And I wanted to connect with him. And I wanted to make sure like we had our time. He needs a lot less of my attention now than he used to, which is great. But there’s still some there’s still the hey mom, and he’ll come in the couch. Hey, mom, want to go to In-N-Out? Or hey mom.

JoAnn Crohn (02:36)

Hey mom, you want to go get a sweet treat? ⁓

Brie Tucker (02:39)

my daughter 100%. So yeah. So I guess like the reason I was thinking or we were thinking behind this episode was the summer brings to light things that we can become resentful for. And we want to let you know, it’s not necessarily that you got a crappy spouse and you’re not alone. They just don’t know what they don’t know. And we’re going to fix that in this episode. We’re going to fix it.

JoAnn Crohn (03:05)

They don’t know what they don’t know. And also I have some behind the scenes like man stuff to share because shout out to Zach Watson and Tira Wages. We’re like meeting bi-weekly now, but Tira and I were like, Zach, what do all the men complain about the women doing? Because that helps. It It helps. Yeah. I’m going to share that in this episode as well. What Zach told us. And all respect to the men out there too.

Brie Tucker (03:25)

It does!

JoAnn Crohn (03:32)

because I think hearing each side is really, really valid. So with that, let’s get on with the show.

You want mom life to be easier. That’s our goal too. Our mission is to raise more self-sufficient and independent kids. We’re going to have fun doing it. We’re going to help you delegate and step back. Each episode, we’ll tackle strategies for positive discipline, making our kids more responsible and making our lives better in the process. Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast.

JoAnn Crohn (04:14)

The first thing we need to look at when we look at this summer spouse resentment, summer husband resentment, summer partner resentment, summer ex-husband resentment, summer baby daddy resentment, summer dog resentment.

Brie Tucker (04:24)

Everything resentment. Yeah, it’s getting to me these hundred and ten days are becoming a bit much

JoAnn Crohn (04:37)

It’s supposed to be sold as this relaxing time of year and it’s really not. That’s crap. I’m sorry.

Brie Tucker (04:45)

It isn’t because, right, for moms, we have this extreme, I’m, okay, maybe I’m being a bit much. I’ll take back my words. Not necessarily extreme. Some cases it is. But we have this uneven division of labor that happens during the summer. And it’s because I feel like it happens in households across the demographics. No matter what your demographic is, there are people you know that are having this uneven distribution of.

labor and home responsibilities. But it’s even more for moms that were like you and I that had flexible enough schedules where we were home with our kids during the summer. Now, just because you’re home doesn’t mean you’re not working or doing a bazillion other things. It just means that you were the primary caregiver for the kids during summer break. It gets to be a lot.

JoAnn Crohn (05:34)

Yeah, your schedule was designed to be flexible. So now you have to be totally flexible. I one of these uneven division of parenting and home responsibilities is all the doctor’s appointments we try to take care of during the summer. Just this week, I mean, I took my son for his physical last week, which I was like, whoa, whoa, we’re not waiting until like two weeks into the school year. We have to race to urgent care and get physical for sports.

Brie Tucker (05:45)

God, yes.

yeah, yeah, it wasn’t until my son’s senior year of high school that I finally got his band physical done before school started. And it’s not like I didn’t know when school started people. I just kept putting it off.

JoAnn Crohn (06:10)

Yeah, but I was patting myself on the back for that one. But to make that one happen when I called in four weeks before the school year, they’re like, well, she has an appointment available this week or not for another four weeks. I’m like, it all. Like I have to rearrange my whole schedule to even get it in on time. It’s so funny because you’re like, ⁓ all you have to do is schedule a doctor’s appointment. Well, once you say schedule a doctor’s appointment, you are at the whim of the doctor’s office right there.

and it is no longer in your control, that time schedule. So yeah.

Brie Tucker (06:44)

On a very similar level, talk about the doctor’s appointments, I’m sorry guys, please by all means, people on Podcastland, put a hand up and be like, amen if you agree with us, we’ve had this happen. So my dentist office is famous for texting when they have last minute openings. And within like two weeks of your appointment to ask if you want to come at a different time or day, because they have openings. So they texted me yesterday morning and said, we have two openings for your kids.

we can get them scheduled next Monday at nine, 10 or 11. And when you’ve got two kids, getting two appointments at the same time is amazing. Yeah. So of course, neither of my kids were home. My son was with his dad this week and my daughter was at work. So I’m texting them and I’m like, okay, guys, I don’t know your work schedule for next week. What can you do on Monday? They said they have openings. I can do nine, or 11. My daughter comes back and texts me like within a minute or two and says, I want 11.

My son doesn’t text me for hours. eventually after about like an hour, I text back the doctor’s office and I’m like, we’d like to take 11 o’clock knowing that I could just move it if my son texts back. They’re like, yeah, sorry, we don’t have those anymore. ⁓ God. I know.

JoAnn Crohn (07:56)

It’s so crazy and to like put another cherry on top, the condescendingness at the doctor’s office and the dental office when they call you mom. Okay, mom. Well, so and so has cavities. I’m like, I have a name. It is JoAnn. Please stop calling me mom. Because like also I had a dentist appointment right after my son’s dentist appointment because we see a family dentist.

And the hygienist is like, okay, mama, now it’s your turn. I’m like, I’m the actual patient here. I am not your mom. I get so mad about that. And I know other people get mad about it as well, because I posted it on Instagram about my fury, about being called bomb by people who are, I’m not their mom. Even when my husband was calling, okay, mama, I had to pull him aside. And I’d be like, I don’t like being called mama by you. I am not your mama. I’m Jo.

JoAnn Crohn (08:54)

or you could call me sexy badass Jo, but not mama.

Brie Tucker (09:00)

Man, I don’t have that, but I can see it. I can see it for sure.

JoAnn Crohn (09:05)

Yeah, I can’t take it. I can’t take it. I am my own identity. I am not just a mom. Thank you.

Brie Tucker (09:12)

point is, as moms, we are stuck trying to hold everything together during the summer. And a lot of us, we try not to ask our partner for help because if you’re the default parent for the summer, chances are good that means you’re the one who’s in ground zero with the kids and your partner is probably off site doing something, work, whatever. The other thing that drives me nuts

is when you ask for help from your partner and you get the sigh before the answer or you get the eye roll or they pause and they go.

JoAnn Crohn (09:54)

Or smacked by me. I’m abusive. I’m sorry.

Brie Tucker (09:58)

I’m just thinking about the, know, I’m really busy tomorrow. mean, you’re home all day. Why can’t you just do this? But it’s not fair. You’re not asking too much people. We are here to tell you, JoAnn is here to shout it from the top of the mountains because you could do that. That you’re just asking for your partner to be a partner. To not be another child that you’re taking care of and managing.

JoAnn Crohn (10:25)

There are times my husband is like, okay, is there something else you’d like to say here? so here’s the thing, because I feel like, and I know you, you get this way too. We know when somebody is upset at.

Brie Tucker (10:27)

And I’m like.

⁓ gosh, yes.

JoAnn Crohn (10:43)

And I have learned over time that just because they’re upset does not mean they’re upset at me, but it means that they’re not in their usual mood. Something is upsetting them. And so when my husband gives me that remark, I just stand, I look at him. I’m like, hard day. He’s like, yeah, it was a really hard day. I’m just overly stimulated.

Brie Tucker (11:05)

And that is a fair and logical, like that is a fair response. What aren’t fair responses, we are here to tell you, are the ones that are like, but you have all day.

JoAnn Crohn (11:17)

Yeah, no, that’s not a fair response

Brie Tucker (11:19)

so busy. But you’re their mom. You should be the one who does this. Or even my favorite. Here’s the better one. I don’t know who their doctor is. I don’t know where their dance studio is. I don’t know when soccer practice is. Step up then, mister. Step up.

JoAnn Crohn (11:40)

That is a man acting like a man child in that regards because I mean if they don’t know who.

Brie Tucker (11:44)

Learned helplessness,

Or no, that’s it’s not learned helplessness. It’s weaponized. There we go. Yes. Yes. So if you are a victim of weaponized incompetence, you might be how those lawyer ones go. You might be entitled to compensation. That is what our episode is here to tell you about your compensation.

JoAnn Crohn (11:49)

is weaponizing competence.

So right after this, we’re going to tell you what that resentment is really telling you and what you can do about it. So when you start feeling those little seeds of resentment, you start getting that anger come up inside you. I mean, I’ve had this from time to time where I’ve tried to squash that anger down. I’ve tried to have a glass of wine.

Brie Tucker (12:23)

Right? Because wait, now do you do that because you tell yourself, like you hear that voice in your head who we lovingly and unlovingly refer to as Bob? Is it because the voice in your head is like, it’s not that big of a deal? Yeah. You had a hard day. Or be the happy wife.

JoAnn Crohn (12:40)

You’re too much, JoAnn. You’re having too big of a reaction.

Brie Tucker (12:44)

my God, I hate that when you’re told that you’re overreacting.

JoAnn Crohn (12:48)

isn’t too big of a deal and you should just be agreeable. There’s like so much I’m seeing lately about how women have taught to be agreeable to make sure they’re safe and loved. That’s what we’ve been taught our whole lives. If we fight back, if we are feisty, we will be pushed out of the kingdom and not be allowed to have connection or safety or love. So we just kind of fawn.

to everything happens around us. And that’s when the resentment starts building. And that’s when you feel like you have no control over your life. And Brie, you and I are both of the age, we’re of the ladies of a certain age. Ladies of a certain age. Where we are just entering our, you know what, I don’t really care anymore. And it’s an amazing era.

Brie Tucker (13:26)

Love that. We are.

is it’s an era of where we’re just like, you know what, we have reached a point you and I in our lives where one, no cares are given anymore about how we are perceived.

JoAnn Crohn (13:48)

Mm-hmm. Yeah, like I’m like if you don’t like me, you’re not meant to be my friend.

Brie Tucker (13:54)

But I mean like especially in our household especially in our household our spouses They’re with us for better for worse kind of at this point I’m not saying that things can’t change as a woman who got divorced in her very late 30s and was like my god I don’t care anymore. I am who I am Yes signed up for this whole show This is what you get and our kids are old enough to that. I’m like, ⁓ man, that kind of sounds like a you problem

JoAnn Crohn (14:22)

Yeah. And it’s a great attitude to have because you know enough now about the world, especially the work you and I do and the work we share with all of you here at No-Gil Mom, where you know what’s important in raising kids. You know that independence is necessary. You know how to show your caring without taking over, without totally micromanaging everything. So you have a confidence that comes with age, but you also have a, you know what? It’s time for everyone to accept me.

and work around me. Not every woman gets there though. And that’s okay if you’re not there yet, we’re going to get you there. So let’s talk about what that resentment is really trying to tell you.

Brie Tucker (15:04)

Okay, all right, so how about we start with that? What is the resentment trying to tell you?

JoAnn Crohn (15:08)

I’m starting to tell you that anger is an emotion that works in your favor. It is a signal. It’s saying like, things are not right with me.

Brie Tucker (15:16)

Yes. Okay. So like, love that we have a whole episode with Tara Wages of Connection Codes, link in the show notes if you want to listen to that episode. But she talks about the importance of that emotions wheel, right? And touching in on those core, man, how many emotions was it? Seven or nine, something like that. it six. geez, I’m all off. that was in the ballpark, well give me that. Yeah. And I remember her saying like how anger is…

Brie Tucker (15:42)

a secondary emotion to something. And that is what, if you don’t leave with anything, we’re not even to our actionable tips yet, but if you don’t leave with anything, I want you to hear that. Your anger isn’t just anger, right? It’s so useful for you because it can tell you that there’s something else wrong. It’s like that, it’s like a flashing light that’s like, something’s wrong.

JoAnn Crohn (16:05)

You’re not over emotional. Yes. And I mean, I think that was demonstrated so well by the leadership of the United States about how women are not too emotional. If you know what I’m talking about, it’s been a few weeks now since this episode is aired, but you’re not too emotional when you’re angry. That anger is a signal and anger is something to be listened to and just ask questions of and being like, what right now is, as my kids say, what PMO?

Why my PMO?

Brie Tucker (16:37)

I haven’t heard that. I’m like, what does PMO mean?

JoAnn Crohn (16:39)

Piss me off. Now you’ll hear it all the time from your kids. It’ll pick it up. PMO, mom. PMO.

Brie Tucker (16:45)

You’re assuming I have that. I just get why you being so pissy, Right. Leave me alone

JoAnn Crohn (16:50)

No, they’ll talk about

it. Just say PMO right in front of them. They’ll be like, what are you saying? What’s coming out of your mouth?

Brie Tucker (16:58)

My kids don’t like it when I try to do the slang. They’re like, what the heck?

Brie Tucker (17:06)

Well, okay. So what we’re saying, first of all, is that anger you feel during the summer, chances are decent that you also are feeling like things are unfair. You’re getting an unfair share of things. You’re getting a lack of reciprocal support from the kids, from your spouse, from whatever. A lot of times though, we tend to focus a lot of it on our spouse, right? Because

JoAnn Crohn (17:33)

Because they’re the other grown-up.

Brie Tucker (17:35)

Exactly, because I can’t expect my child who doesn’t have a fully developed brain, who doesn’t have the emotional regulation of an adult, who doesn’t have the executive functioning to be the other adult in this scenario. So this is where you need your spouse to step up, but it’s all about big section of this is all about how you say it, how you approach it. Because if we come in guns blazing, right? We come in like that, it’s too much.

JoAnn Crohn (18:03)

It’s good to bring in this at a time. So I asked my friend Zach Watson from who says he’s a recovering man child. He coaches men and they talk about emotions and everything. Asked him like, what is it that the men are saying about the women in relationships? And so here’s some of the things he said. He said, she just nagged me all the time. So it goes true. Yeah. You know, do this, do this. Why haven’t you done that? Guilty. Doesn’t touch me enough. Isn’t affectionate enough.

Brie Tucker (18:23)

I can see myself doing that.

JoAnn Crohn (18:32)

That sort of thing.

Brie Tucker (18:33)

This morning my husband was like, space please. I can’t be guilty.

JoAnn Crohn (18:37)

Yeah. Doesn’t compliment me enough. Guilty is one. And then they feel powerless in decision making. So like the example he gives is in like parenting, for instance. He would come in and have a, you know, opinion about parenting or a man would come in and have an opinion about parenting. And the wife would be like, no, I’ve done all this research. I’ve read all these books. We’re doing it this way. Like screw you and your opinion. We’re doing it this way. Okay.

Brie Tucker (19:07)

to say like, all right, because I was trying to go along with this, like guilty, guilty, guilty. This last one I am guilty of, but not in that capacity. So I have to share a story with everybody. So this happened just last week. My husband and I were in the kitchen and he was cooking. Wait, it was my night to cook, but he normally, my husband and I were in the kitchen, shopping and the prepping and I do the actual cooking of it and stuff.

So I was working on getting stuff together for the recipe. He’s over there already chopping some stuff. And at one point he’s like, okay, I’m done with this. And I look at it, like he, I don’t know. He chopped green onions. No, no green peppers. I do remember this now. It was green peppers, JoAnn. And he chopped them really big because he loves green peppers. Can’t stand it. Straight up a red, red or orange pepper girl. So anyway.

JoAnn Crohn (20:00)

You like the more expensive peppers. Not the 99 cents ones, but the dollars.

Brie Tucker (20:02)

I guess I do.

What’s the flavor of it? know, so he chopped them and I went and I looked at them and I looked at the recipe and I looked back at him and the chopped green and I’m like, huh, interesting. That’s diced.

Brie Tucker (20:26)

you know me, I was so proud of myself for not telling my kids, because I told you so yesterday.

And he looks at it he goes, I guess not. So then he starts doing something else and I’m cooking something else. then he somehow we came together for another thing and he was chopping. And I went, you know that that’s also supposed to be diced. And he just like sighs, looks up and goes, I thought I was cooking. Do you want me to help you cook or not? And that was really like, I had no idea how irritating I was being. Because I was mad at.

him for not cutting the green peppers that I hate into tinier little palatable pieces. And so because I was mad about the food, I took it out on him as if he was not able to make decisions on his own about what size food is. So my point is, that it happens. I can totally see that. So am I guilty of it? Hells yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (21:29)

That’s like a cause for further investigation too that you’ve illustrated beautifully because you were mad, were resentful, being able to stop and saying like, why am I mad? It’s the green peppers, it’s not my husband. I green peppers.

Brie Tucker (21:44)

Until he expressed that he was upset that I was able to stop and go, wait a minute, what am I doing here? And sometimes that is what’s kind of needed. I feel like that is a big factor that that resentment wasn’t me being a completely broken crappy wife. It was a note that there’s something wrong here and I need to address it.

JoAnn Crohn (22:08)

I have that too, where I told my husband when he was coming home late and late and late and late, I would say like, you know, I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you’re in, where are you? I worry that you’ve been in a car crash when really like, that was just how I was taught to express that feeling I had inside me. But through constantly doing that, constantly seeing him pissed off the work we do here that I’m confronted with these issues every single day and have to think through what’s really going on here.

I realized I was pissed off at him for not paying attention to the time. And then when I tried to call when I’m overloaded here at home, he wouldn’t pick up because he was in a meeting with someone else at 7.30 PM at night. And I was freaking mad. And when I finally told him I was mad, he’s like, well, I don’t want you mad at me. I thought you were just worried. And I can’t do anything about worried. But I’ll change this if you’re mad.

Brie Tucker (23:05)

And so like sometimes, yeah, sometimes the resentment and facing it and addressing it will actually make things better. And that is where we have our three tips for you on what to do instead of stewing in this anger for the rest of the summer.

JoAnn Crohn (23:23)

That’s coming up next.

Okay, let’s get practical here. Let’s get doable. Here is what you can do when you start knowing that that resentment is creeping up on you. The first one is to have a little reset conversation. Not in the middle of your anger. Don’t do that. Right?

Brie Tucker (23:44)

Then you’ll end up doing is that what diced look

JoAnn Crohn (23:46)

It’s like cute. It’s like cute.

Brie Tucker (23:49)

And I can tell you that that conversation doesn’t go well. Yeah. personal experience. It’s just that.

JoAnn Crohn (23:55)

or my thing where I’m like, sometimes I just want to take all the tracking off my car and drive down to Tucson. You won’t know where the hell I am.

Brie Tucker (24:02)

Don’t tell them where you’re going. That’s the better part. Just want to turn off all my tracking and get in my car and go who knows where.

JoAnn Crohn (24:10)

See I can’t even be angry right?

Brie Tucker (24:15)

We had that fantasy at some point of like, I’m just gonna get in the car and I’m just gonna drive. Who knows where I end up.

JoAnn Crohn (24:17)

Thanks.

But to have that reset conversation, pick a time other than, you know, the instant you’re in, if it’s maybe the next day, maybe you decide to do a weekly date with your partner. have a weekly date with my husband where sometimes I bring things up and the best way I’ve known to approach a situation is you’re just like, Hey, I am feeling this way and I need more of this. And then say what you need, but then followed up with the question, what do you need more of? Because yes, men have not been encouraged to share their emotions or their needs ever, ever. You have to like pull it out of them. So like, this is something like I’m working with my son on. I think we can really affect the next generation by how we raise our kids. Because if we teach our kids to say how they’re feeling and what they need, my gosh, think of how better of a world it would be versus just bombing places. But. ⁓

Brie Tucker (25:16)

Good shot.

Brie Tucker (25:23)

Just knowing that any conversation, and if you’ve listened to the No Guilt Mom podcast for a while, you know that we’ve said this, trying to have a conversation while you or your partner are activated, are actively upset, it is not a productive conversation. And I can guarantee you that odds are very good that whatever you got going on in your family is not like a level four Def Con.

everything needs to be addressed right now or else we’re going to hell in a handbasket. That’s not normally the scenarios that we face. So if you’re feeling pissed off and resentful, take a moment, sit with that emotion for a minute. Ask yourself, is it because I don’t want green peppers? It’s not what it

JoAnn Crohn (26:07)

or like some other things. Conversations I’ve had with my husband is like, I need you to be home earlier because, and I always put it in a positive frame reference. I need you to be home earlier because I want to see more of you. I don’t get to see much of you at night because you come home at seven and then you have to jump on another call at nine. And so I just feel lonely and disconnected from you. And when I put it like that versus being like, why aren’t you home on time? You don’t even care. ⁓

Brie Tucker (26:36)

Spending time with me or the kids

JoAnn Crohn (26:39)

Yeah, right. It’s more of a hey, I miss you. I want you versus that you’re a horrible person.

Brie Tucker (26:46)

Right. And I want you guys to know, like, I know I just had, a bit of a mocking tone, but I’m saying that from, my own perspective. Like, I know I have said many times before, like, you more so to my ex than my current husband, of, you don’t care about us. You don’t want to spend time with us. And, like, no wonder that person came back at a very prickly, angry perspective, because I am putting it all on them. I have no responsibilities in this. And I’m also basically villainizing them.

So all that we’re saying is just have the reset combo where your goal is to reset your connection or reset your relationship with your spouse so that you’re not continuing in this. He sucks. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t try.

JoAnn Crohn (27:30)

You might also find out some things about yourself that you can change. I know my husband brought up to me that for a while there he was coming home and I was in such a state of chaos that he didn’t want to come home. I was like, so they’re fighting with each other and like they’re yelling at each other and they’re in their room in tears and here I am and the dog just spilled all this over the thing and I would just unload on him the minute he walked through that door.

Brie Tucker (27:42)

I know that feeling.

JoAnn Crohn (27:59)

I just needed, I needed the unload, but it also like when he told me that I’m like, crap. Yeah, I could see how that would be incredibly stressful coming into that situation. And it wasn’t on me to be like, I just shouldn’t unload. It was on me to be like, what is getting me in that state? What can I do to like, that state within myself and give myself a little more leeway and time and reduce my expectations of myself.

Brie Tucker (28:28)

And maybe even also, what is it going to take for me to be able to share the important pieces with you, with my spouse, without making it sound like I think everything is your fault? Yeah. Or not even your fault. And the scenario you were saying, I think it was more like, there’s all these problems. You need to fix them right now.

JoAnn Crohn (28:48)

Well, it was more that like, I didn’t even expect him to fix him. It was just the emotional overwhelm of the entire situation. I know you know what I’m talking about. Being the downer in the situation, being all about the complaints and it just takes everyone’s mood from smile to down here. Now there’s place and time, but when it’s like that every single day, I could see how that could get so.

Brie Tucker (29:10)

Yeah. Yeah. So take time, have the reset combo when neither you nor your partner are in an elevated, activated mood. Tip number two, and this is my favorite one, create a vacation or summer responsibility split. This is going to require you to actually sit down with your partner and come up with a plan. I would probably say not the kids there. Your goal in this meeting is just a brain dump.

because there’s all the, and the invisible tasks are the ones that really get you in the summer. We were talking about making doctor’s appointments. So juggling that, juggling, in my case, I’m constantly trying to find food that is somewhat healthy for my kids, but they can also easily take care of themselves in a quick setup because like my daughter, has two jobs this summer. Sometimes she gets off one at 2 p.m. and then goes into the other job at three. So she only has like half an hour at home to heat something up.

eat it real fast and then go to her second job. So I’ve got all these invisible tasks that I’m the only one juggling because I haven’t told anybody else about them. And they’re all on me because I’m the only one. I could guarantee you my daughter doesn’t even think about it, nor does my son. I am the only one maintaining all this.

JoAnn Crohn (30:25)

It’s hard. Time for your daughter and son to take control of those ones. I know, right? They’re old enough. Yeah. They got this.

Brie Tucker (30:32)

We can attest we both have sat down and done this before with ours.

JoAnn Crohn (30:35)

Yes. Yeah. And sometimes like, I have found that he was doing a lot more than I thought he was. Yeah, because he told me everything he was doing. And I almost wanted to like lay down and cry because I’m like, damn it, we’re both doing so much and there’s no end. And then it was then it was an issue of like, what really needs to be done and what could be let go of and letting go of that perfection that everything has to be perfect all the time. Because I could tell you right now upstairs, those kitchen counters, there’s food on them right now. And my son has not put away the dishes and I’m not getting on him until it’s possible because I’m like, it’s the perfection trap you get in that your house has to be completely clean all the time as you are failing as a mother. And I’m like, screw that life is way too short to be.

Brie Tucker (31:21)

Okay, you have to share with the listeners. What is a spot where your son is gonna have to get dishes from? That’s an unusual spot.

JoAnn Crohn (31:29)

the middle of my living room floor is the dog, the dog, which she’s so naughty. And I look over there, she’s on the couch sleeping. She looks so angelic, but she’s not, she’s naughty. There’s a dish in the living room floor and it’s like a porcelain dish. And I’m like, how did she get that there? She must’ve like grabbed it from the counter with her teeth and brought it into the living room to start looking at clean. So yeah, yeah. She’s going to have to pick up that as well.

Brie Tucker (31:53)

All because the dishes were left on the counter, but you know like you said that’s real life. That’s really

JoAnn Crohn (32:00)

It’s real life and I don’t push it and I don’t take any pride in having a clean home because I’m like What is the use that home is just gonna get messy in like 20 minutes later because there’s people who live here I’m not playing that game

Brie Tucker (32:13)

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. So what we’re telling you is sit down with your partner, go over, brain dump all the crap that has to happen to make that family function during the summer break period and come up with a plan together, split it. Yes, chances are decent your spouse is going to have to pick up stuff that they don’t normally do. That’s okay.

JoAnn Crohn (32:36)

Or you’re going to find out they’re doing a lot more than you think they are. then the resentment goes away as well because you’re like, Oh, education, the more, know, rainbow.

Brie Tucker (32:46)

But the other thing too is that nobody knows what’s in your head until you take it out. So, I mean, the best example I could think of where I did that, my wedding, my first wedding, I decided I wanted to do a lot of it as, you know, do it yourself. And one of which was, I just got the flowers from a local flower vendor and was just tying them onto the corner of the chairs. Cause I had a very light, elegant look I was going for.

I was so upset because here I am like 30 minutes before guests are going to start arriving. I’m not in my wedding dress or anything. I’m still tying flowers to stuff. I’m pissed off and snapping at my family, my mom and my sisters that are trying to help me. And why? Because they couldn’t help me because it was all in my freaking head. And they would constantly be like, yo, can we help you with anything? I’m like, it would just take me longer to explain it to you. ⁓ I’m here to tell you guys that I basically ruined that.

Brie Tucker (33:44)

day for myself because of that. mean, there are other issues, that’s for another podcast episode. But I did make it a pretty crappy day because I had all this stuff in my head and nobody knew what was going on there. And I wasn’t willing to stop, take the time to share what was in my head to get the help that I needed. yeah. All right. Tip number three, what’s the third thing? ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (34:05)

Asked for that time off on purpose. You do not have to be there for all family together time. I love this tip because I do it a lot where I’m like, Hey, I’ve been with the kids all day. You guys just want to go grocery shopping about me. Great. Be a home in my house alone. Put on some righteous gemstones. Have you watched this show?

and they cracked me up so much. I love them so much. It’s hilarious.

Brie Tucker (34:38)

It definitely was one of my guilty pleasures that I just got to watch by myself. I didn’t have to wait for anybody to watch it with me and I liked that.

JoAnn Crohn (34:45)

It’s hilarious. But like, you do not have to be there for together time. I mean, I just taught a class this morning where a lot of the comments were like, yes, but if I leave my kids alone, if I don’t check in on them constantly, won’t they think I don’t love them? And I want to tell you, no, everybody deserves their space and constant togetherness does not equate love. That’s codependency.

Brie Tucker (35:10)

I was gonna just say that like as someone who kind of feels like unless I’m being told that I’m loved and I’m important and I’m special and I’m good, I don’t feel it all the time. Yeah, no, your kids don’t wanna grow up with that kind of pressure all the time. They don’t. It’s not a good place to be. It’s good.

JoAnn Crohn (35:25)

It’s not a good place. So like even like you are creating this secure environment that says like, Hey, everyone is entitled to do their own things. Still means we love each other, but when we do things separately, it’s okay. And we can still be connected. Yeah. Taking that time for yourself. ⁓ it’s amazing. It’s amazing.

Brie Tucker (35:49)

You want a day to go sit by the pool and read your new book? Go do it. Yeah. Don’t take the kids with you. Because first of all, chances are good you’re supposed to watch the kids anyways while they’re in the water. So no! No!

JoAnn Crohn (36:01)

There’s also this underlying anxiety that exists in many moms where they feel like if they take time away from their kids something is gonna happen and They’re not gonna be around to help their kids and then they’re gonna feel really really horrible that they took the time away So even when you take the time away They’re not enjoying any of it because they’re constantly thinking. my gosh. What if something happens? What if something happens? is something? Let me check live 360 again. Make sure everyone’s alive. Okay, what is it? You know it

Brie Tucker (36:28)

where like, I feel like there definitely needs to be a conversation with your partner. That, yeah, I feel stressed when I leave, right? Because there’s some times where your partners can do stuff that just make you question their ability to function in life without you.

JoAnn Crohn (36:43)

I would argue that it’s also a personal thing that may be an indication that some therapy would be helpful for anxiety because it is definitely a thought process going on there that is not based in reality that is just thinking about the what ifs. That’s it. Yeah. The intrusive thoughts.

Brie Tucker (36:49)

For anxiety, yeah.

thinking.

So definitely like you deserve and you do need time off. That is just for you that you are not worried about the family. Yeah. So schedule that girls night, schedule the trip to the spa, go to the pool, get in your car, listen to the music you want to listen to. No more wheels on the bus. No more suicide boys or whatever it is that your kids are listening to that make you go, what the hell?

JoAnn Crohn (37:29)

What’s this?

Brie Tucker (37:31)

Get in the car and just take a ride for yourself. Just enjoy. Find something you used to love to do and just go and do it. Now my favorite thing that I used to do was to to the movies by myself. Cause then I could eat a whole popcorn by myself and nobody tried to eat it.

JoAnn Crohn (37:45)

Yes, indeed, indeed. So those are actionable tips for you to involve some summer resentment that will not involve some summer resentment. that about resolve. I say all the rhyming words, the rhyming words. By the way, heads up, podcast listeners, if I ever say something’s happened in 2000 and I’m not referring to myself at 19 years old, I mean 2020. So just that’s how to speak to JoAnn. Just know that I do that all the time. I did that in class this morning. I just have to add that in there. But we know with all this resentment that

Sometimes you feel also like a cruise director for your children during the summer. want to let you know, we have help for you on that. We have your back. Our course, Not So Bummer Summer, it is just for kids ages nine to 14. They watch it. I teach them how to do their own summer project, how to plan for it, how to make it happen, how to put it under their control. And you could go grab Not So Bummer Summer for 50 % off because you’re listening to the podcast, right?

now go to no guilt mom.com forward slash summer and enter the promo code podcast 50 that’s podcast five zero to get 50 % off. So go take that off your plate and go get not so bummer summer.

Brie Tucker (38:59)

Share this episode with another mom friend that you know is about ready to kill her spouse. I’m just saying.

JoAnn Crohn (39:06)

Yep. Exactly. Remember the best moms are happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker (39:07)

Thanks for stopping by.