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Mom’s Mental Load: What to Do When You Feel Like EVERY To Do is Up To You Transcript

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn joined here by Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker: Hello. Hello, everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn: favorite favorite topics because it comes up so often in our balanced community and talking with so many moms in our lives. I mean, just yesterday, we were both talking to a mom, Brie, who was taking on so, so much. At her work where she was like volunteering all these activities and she made this really, really big project for the office where like people wrote down their strengths or whatever, just the team building thing.

And there ended up being so many that she was there late at night putting it together. And it was a lot, it was a lot, a lot. And I feel like a lot of people put themselves through. all this stuff and then look at, see, why isn’t anyone else helping me? Why isn’t anyone else participating? Or they’re doing everything at home that needs to be done and everybody else is just waiting there expecting service, expecting dinner on the table, expecting their laundry folded, expecting like everything to be put in perfect place.

Brie Tucker: And it’s frustrating when you’re like expecting service, like, it reminds expecting service. It really, it is, it’s funny, , there’s been a lot of stuff going on on social media lately, and, uh, I love Farrah. I think I love Farrah. I have to look. Farrah. Yeah. So like, I love her music. I’ve been following her for like over a year.

You would think I would remember her, her screen name better, but she recently had a song about like making a list and like the anger and frustration and rage we feel. Cause we’re like, how does, does he not, how did he not know that the kids need to eat every night? Yeah, I think we’ve all been there before.

We’re like, sometimes we’re just like, I just need help with this. And they’re like, okay, great. Tell me what to do. And you’re like, I’m the only one that can keep tabs on things around here. And then we fall up in a corner under a blanket crying and people say that we’re being emotional, not talking about personal experience or anything over here.

JoAnn Crohn: so many theories on this and they’re mostly theories that make us look real damn good, but we’re going to share with you if you feel right now this way that you are doing everything and you’re getting no help whatsoever. We have tips on how you can extract yourself. from that process. And you’re going to hear all about it in today’s episode. So let’s get on with the show.

So in today’s episode, we are going to really dig into why you’re feeling this way. And we’re also going to give you five tips on how to get out of it, but. We need to warn you right now, like you need to stick around for the fifth tip because I feel like this is the most important one and it’s the one a lot of people want to skip over.

Brie Tucker: I think it’s funny the way you’re saying this because like when we were writing the outline for this episode, we were debating on where to put that tip and you were like, it needs to be number one. And I’m like, I don’t think they’re going to be ready to hear tip. You’re right. It does need to be number one.

It starts, sorry, it starts with number five. Number five is the most important, but the truth of the matter is I don’t think people are ready to hear that one just yet because it is such a. Big mic drop epiphany

JoAnn Crohn: a big one.

Brie Tucker: It’s such a big moment We are holding that off to number five because I think you need to hear everything else first Before you’re ready to really accept and embrace and love number five, which is actually the easiest Kind of the easiest one to do also kind of the hardest it goes

JoAnn Crohn: It’s really the hardest though, because yeah, we won’t get into it now. You just have to stick around and listen to it. but getting into this whole partners and helping out at home and you feel like everything is on you. And I actually came to a realization the other day because right now I am single parenting it while my husband is on a business trip.

he is. All the way across the world in India and Singapore. So, I mean, he’s not even on our time schedule. He’s 12 and a half hours ahead of us right now. I text him, I’m like, good morning, evening or good evening, morning. At the end of my day, he’s waking up and at the end of his day, like I’m waking

Brie Tucker: Yeah, as we’re recording this, it’s almost tomorrow for him.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s almost it’s late. Yeah. So it’s it’s interesting though being here and doing everything on my own because I have realized I feel like a weight is a little bit off my shoulders and it’s not the typical things where you’re like, Oh, yeah, like men are such babies and they’re like a third child. I don’t Subscribe to that at all.

my husband is my partner in every sense of the word, but I do feel like I put additional expectations on myself when he’s around because I, I try to take care of him as well, which he’s an adult and he doesn’t need to be taken care of. By the way, and he would tell me that over and over and over again.

So him being gone right now is really helping me realize like, Oh, this is a me problem. This is something like I need to work on. but also. I think that we as women are extremely competent and we’re resourceful and we saw our moms do it beforehand and we were kind of trained to do it too because our moms always look to the girls to be the emotional like, take her care of.

Like you’re the one looking out for people, you’re the one making sure people are happy. That is what we saw modeled with them. And that is what is ingrained now in us. So it is very, very hard for us to step back and not take care of all these things.

Brie Tucker: Yeah, yeah, and I think that it’s important, one thing that I heard you say that I wish everybody could resonate with, but I’m not sure if they all do, is how you feel like your partner, your husband is your partner in every sense of the word. And I

JoAnn Crohn: And let’s just say though, that’s taken some work. That was not always how it was.

Brie Tucker: right. And I think that some people well, first of all, if you’re just, if you’re a single parent and like you’re, it is just you in the home with your kids.

A lot of times, we’re just like, damn, it all falls on me. It all falls on me all the time, school chores, cooking, emotional labor. It’s all on me. it doesn’t always have to be that way, 100 percent of the time, 24 7. And we’re going to talk about that. But I also think that sometimes we have a partner and like you said, it, it has to come up with expectations.

Like I, I can say I’ve had partners before where, uh, it was all up to me. And there was just no budget on that. There was, there was no, like, I would ask for help. I would get it for like, maybe within 24 hours, it would be gone again. Because it was like, well, that’s not, you, you asked for help on Tuesday.

Nobody said that. I was supposed to help, you know, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday again.

JoAnn Crohn: And I think you would agree with me saying this, but that particular partner. It was an unhealthy relationship.

Brie Tucker: right. But I mean, but I’m just saying like, yeah, I think a lot of us are in those kinds of situations. Like you feel like you were all alone for one reason or another. You feel like you don’t have the help and the help is there. There are things that you can do because help doesn’t always look like somebody else necessarily doing something.

It’s a lot of different pieces. So we’re definitely going to like talk about that. But I mean, Especially like when it comes like helping out with things like that emotional labor that can look different based on how old your Kids are and what you’ve got going on, but there are things that you can do to help lighten that load

JoAnn Crohn: There are. There are. And there’s also things to recognize, though, whether it is a problem in the relationship or if it is a problem with just the helping and the assumptions that you’re making about it. Like, these are two separate things because I know that gets really confused sometimes where, in some relationships, for instance, It’s not healthy.

And there’s a lot of stuff going on there that is not okay to be in long term, but a lot of people don’t know that that’s not okay. And they accept it and they think that that’s how relationships should be because you just don’t know any

Brie Tucker: Or perhaps they watched too many romantic comedies back in the day and they think that they can personally save and change people

JoAnn Crohn: Yes, yes.

Brie Tucker: no personal experience here whatsoever. None whatsoever.

JoAnn Crohn: but that, that’s an unhealthy relationship dynamic. And of course that needs to be addressed. And there’s also the other end where yes, if you are feeling like you’re doing, uh, not nothing in the home, that’s also an unhealthy relationship dynamic that needs to be addressed. But the way you deal with both of those issues really depends on what’s going on underneath. And so like these steps that we’re going to give you, these are like your first

Brie Tucker: Uh huh.

JoAnn Crohn: These are the things to think like, okay, Possibly I’m making some assumptions. Like I don’t really know how my partner feels. I’m not really telling him how I feel very clearly. I’m going to try these out and see and then you try these out and see and automatically the partners gaslighting you, the partners making you feel shameful or bad.

That’s the danger sign that there’s something else going on. And that’s when I would encourage you to look for some couples counseling to go even further into the relationship issue, because that’s not okay for your partner to treat you like that ever. It’s not okay.

Brie Tucker: but yeah, so we are just like going to give you guys five things because again, this whole, and I feel like it’s happens a lot around this time of the year, the holidays, like I call it , ,

like the, you’ve gone over the hump of the roller coaster, October, November, December is like crazy time and there is so much that tends to fall on that default parent.

That there are things that you can do and we’re going to share five things that you can do that Will help ease the mental load and allow you to not feel like everything And I mean everything depends on you like you can’t breathe because it doesn’t have to

JoAnn Crohn: we are going to get into these five things right after this break.

Okay. Let’s get into these five steps that you can take going into this crazy holiday season to lighten the load a little bit for you. So the first step is first, figure out what What you do for your family. Because a lot of us, when we’re first starting this work, think that we don’t do enough.

We’re constantly fed this narrative that, Oh my gosh, if I had only been more organized or if I’d only followed through with this, then I wouldn’t have this work. Or if I only told them about this, then I wouldn’t have this work and it’s my fault. It’s late. And so I have to take it on. But usually that’s not the case

Brie Tucker: Now, or we question, right? Like we question, why does so and so not have a problem with this, but I do? Why is it that my, my friend or so and so’s mom, every time I drop my kid off for a play date, their house is freaking immaculate. And, like, I can’t get my stuff together to even get the dang door open.

Like, I don’t, we assume, which is that first problem, right? That, like, everyone is doing the same, has the same struggles, but they don’t. Yes,

JoAnn Crohn: to lighten the load and we have something for you to do this. We have our household task calculator for you, which you can go get.

It’s at balanceformoms.com and it’s completely free and all you do is it’s a checklist and you check off what you do on the list, what your partner does, what your kids do, and it’s going to give you the percentages of what work you do within the house and what work your partner does within the house.

So it’s a really handy tool.

Brie Tucker: it really gets you going. And I think that It’s really helpful to get it, at least for me, and I, I, I feel like a lot of people are probably like this, getting it out of your head, because it weighs you down when it’s all in your head. You’re constantly trying to remember, I could be like a deer in headlights when someone asks me what I’m doing.

I could tell you, like, randomly, splurt things down or write it down on a list. No problem. But if you walk up to me and go , so tell me, Brie, like, I feel like that scene in office space. So tell me, what exactly is it that you do around here? And I’ll just,

JoAnn Crohn: Your whole mind goes

Brie Tucker: I’m

JoAnn Crohn: blank because you know what happened? It’s that fight or flight response. You all of a sudden get panicked because you think that you aren’t doing enough and you think that, oh my gosh, they’re going to judge me and they’re going to think I’m like incapable or not worthy. And your whole logical part of your brain just shuts down because all of that blood is going from here because you’re so scared.

Brie Tucker: then you’re also.

JoAnn Crohn: to so many people.

Brie Tucker: and you’re also then equating your value to what work you’re outputting. And you are so much more than that. You are so much more than your productivity. So I mean, it’s a big deal. So I think that that helps just a big part of it is just writing it out, getting it out.

So putting it down on paper, looking at it like Eve Roski talks about the shit you do, writing it out.

JoAnn Crohn: you do

Brie Tucker: getting it out. It helps so that you’re not doing that exhausting process of trying to keep mental tabs on everything. Plus, nobody can help when they don’t know what’s rolling around in your head.

JoAnn Crohn: You know what I just thought of that would be so cool and we should totally make? We should make a holiday task calculator where we put all the holiday tasks and people can click to see what percentage of the holiday tasks they do. Oh,

Brie Tucker: we could. We actually have a podcast episode where we did this. Oh, what? Like, uh. Oh, so it was a little while ago. I remember doing it when we were recording together still in one house. So I’ll have to like find that episode and link it in the show notes down here. But yeah, we should because yeah, there’s a whole nother

JoAnn Crohn: out real fast.

Brie Tucker: nother beast that gets rolled up at

JoAnn Crohn: Watch. By the time this episode airs, we’re going to have like a little link be like, Oh yeah, the thing we talked about that we just joined, just had an idea for it’s right there.

Brie Tucker: here. It’s called a passion project. Uh,

JoAnn Crohn: It’s

Brie Tucker: ADHD superpower go So, all right So so thing number one you can do is figure out what it is that you do in your family Like get it out of your head and note all the things that you do for your family

JoAnn Crohn: This is also going to give you a lot more confidence in approaching the next conversation because that fight or flight won’t be there and you’ll be like, wait a minute. No, no. I thought about this beforehand and I have numbers. No.

Brie Tucker: I, I have numbers. All right. So, so our tip number two, the second thing you can do, and this was a big one that I added as someone that has been both a single parent, well, I’ve been the married without much help. I’ve been a single parent for years and then recently been remarried and I can tell you from personal experience. You need help. You need

JoAnn Crohn: Mm hmm.

Brie Tucker: So talking about it with other people, your family or your support system. And I say it that way because I feel like a lot of times when I’m, when I’m talking to a single parents, they’ll be like, well, I don’t have anybody else. But chances are good. You do. You do. We just need to let them in.

So like, first of all, if you have a partner, I’ve heard you say this over and over again on coaching calls, JoAnn, and really it’s so articulate. It is so well said starting a conversation with, I bet you didn’t know it, but I feel such and such when such and such, because it takes out that don’t care the

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. It’s not assuming that they’re malicious or anything. It’s just saying, Hey, I just bet you didn’t know this, but this is how I feel. I used that the other night, actually. because, you know, we have so much guilt. In our lives all the time, like all the time about everything we do, because we get these messages that we should be doing it all and one of, um, the thing that happened to me, we were doing a family game night and I agreed to do this family game night, but I was also, I was pretty tired.

I hadn’t slept well. And my husband was just getting ready to go on his trip. So I was a little like, anxious about that. And, he had just made me an old fashion, which didn’t sit well with me. And so I was a little dizzy just to be completely honest about the whole situation. So right before family game night, my daughter’s like, let’s wait two rounds of this.

It was all of us. And so we sat down and played all of us and I did not agree to play two rounds. She just requested it.

Brie Tucker: you’re like, how did I get snuck into this?

JoAnn Crohn: No, but this is where the thing lies. So we, we got through the first round and I ate at all of us. Like, let’s just say that I use the lingo now, by the way, because my daughter uses it. I ate,

Brie Tucker: I don’t know what that means, but

JoAnn Crohn: means like I did such a good job. I blow up trivia. I’m so good at it in my family. Like I will know very obscure things and people be like, what just happened

Brie Tucker: That is true. If you’re ever at a game night for trivia, pick JoAnn for your team.

JoAnn Crohn: I’m the one who goes to cruise ship trivia and we’re like, we’re going to kill it. I’m

Brie Tucker: Half the time I’m leaning over, what was the question again? What?

JoAnn Crohn: So, my team won for the first all of us and I’m like, okay, I’d like to stop now and go to bed and go read by myself. And my daughter’s like, but we wanted to play two rounds. And then my husband says, oh, but I’m leaving tomorrow and we need to play another round.

And I was just like, fine. And I was mad throughout that whole second round.

Still ate though. Still killed it. Still won. no one’s going to play trivia with me after this, but later I was just really upset and I was really resentful. And so I pulled out this phrase and I’m like, Hey, you have time to talk. And he, and he knows, like, when I say, if you’re trying to talk, like I need to say something.

And I said, I bet you didn’t know this, but like, I struggle so much with taking time for myself. And when I advocated for myself for taking some time, and honestly, I should have pushed back a little bit more. but my guilt really stopped me from pushing back, especially when you said that you were leaving.

I just felt so bad and I love you so much. And of course I don’t want you to leave. and that’s just what happened there and why I was mad. And he just stared at me and he’s like, I’m like, say something. And he says, I’m listening to your feelings. And so it wasn’t anything I needed him to do. It was just a thing like I made him aware.

And I also accepted responsibility for the issue too, because I could have been like, Nope, peace. Like that was an option.

Brie Tucker: And the, and you know, and saying that, that works with your kids too, right?

JoAnn Crohn: Mm

Brie Tucker: Like you could have said to your daughter even, I bet you didn’t know this, but when you asked to play two, two rounds and I didn’t feel like I agreed to it,

JoAnn Crohn: Mm hmm.

Brie Tucker: I felt really mad about that.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. But that guilt could really hold you back from advocating for yourself. And the more you let it out and the more you tell people how you feel, they’re going to be the ones who support you in it. And they’re going to be the ones who won’t push you as hard next time and be like, Hey, remember that last time? And I’m like, you know what? I do remember that last time. And I’m going to say peace.

Brie Tucker: Peace out, peace out. So, so, okay, so you don’t have a partner at home, perhaps, or you just, you, no, you don’t have a partner at home. Because if you have a partner at home, you’re, we really advocate you

JoAnn Crohn: You could talk like that and you can tell your feelings and you don’t have to be forceful. You’re just sharing how you feel in

Brie Tucker: And when you have kids, you can say, I bet you didn’t know, but I feel blank when blank happens or when blank doesn’t happen.

Like when you put away, when you don’t do your chores, like whatever it is, like you can, you can have these conversations with your kids. So if you’re a single parent and you don’t, then realize you’re not alone. You have friends, you have family. You probably have co workers. The point is, you would be surprised how many people feel the same way you do, are probably having the same struggles as you, and might even have suggestions or tidbits or ideas on how they can help, or things that have worked for them. And you’ll never know if you don’t reach out. I know it’s scary to be vulnerable

JoAnn Crohn: it is really

Brie Tucker: It is scary But do you know how much of a rock star you are already that you have made it this far in life and kept all these Other little human beings alive. You are amazing.

JoAnn Crohn: Pretty incredible. It’s pretty incredible.

Brie Tucker: I promise

JoAnn Crohn: We have three more tips for you, including that last one, which is the biggest one of all, and we’ll let you know it right after this break. Our third tip for you is to redistribute the tasks that you have and. That could be very, very difficult at first because I feel that we weren’t really taught this. Like we were taught in relationships, you know, you want to keep the romance alive. You don’t want to make it too impersonal, but guess what kills the romance when you’re resentful and mad at your partner that kills the romance real

Brie Tucker: It also makes it hard to connect with your kids or have compassion when they’re having a rough day and you’re just pissed and angry,

JoAnn Crohn: So it really helps to start thinking about your family like you would a business or a work environment when it comes to the tasks that have to be done, because there is no way you would go to a work environment and be like, I will just take on all these things by myself because I want my coworkers to be happy.

And I don’t with them. You’re like, no, this is crap. I’m not doing all this by myself. Julie over there needs to So you need to redistribute this tasks in her home, just like you would in a workplace. And the best way that Brie and I have found is by having a family meeting,

Brie Tucker: Right. So like you’ve already figured out, you’ve already brain dumped everything that you do, right? And that everybody does in the household. You’ve already told people how you feel about it. So now let’s have that family meeting and let’s talk about it. you might have insane expectations for yourself and or your family on what can get done in a day.

, I know that. I can do that sometimes. Have, like, these expectations that all these things can happen, but I don’t really look at, how much spare time we actually have and how many resources we actually have and how many things we’re asking to be done. So, The best way I think that it comes to redistributing the tasks is, I always suggest the number five.

I, it, it, it, it’s a good starting point. You might, you might go down from five. I never suggest going above five, but like what are five things that have to be done in your household? what are those five things and normally it’s a weekly thing like maybe it’s eating it. Maybe it’s cooking meals Maybe it’s walk.

JoAnn Crohn: trash,

Brie Tucker: Okay eating dishes trash laundry for us It’s also walking the dog because we don’t have a yard So our dog has to walk because we don’t have a yard But it’s a task that none of us like to do when it’s cold outside Or when it’s or when we’re tired and we’ve had a long day or when we’re sick But regardless point being is there things that have to happen, but those don’t all have to fall on you So now let’s talk with everyone together.

We’ve established what those tasks are that have to happen every week. How is Everyone going to help get it done.

JoAnn Crohn: And that brings us into tip number four, which is it’s time to delegate the tasks. And when you delegate. Definitely write down who has

Brie Tucker: Oh my god. Yes, because you’ll forget

JoAnn Crohn: has it, you’ll forget. And there’s actually a four, a four step system that I like to use in my own house, which really, really helps it is you have to write down who has it.

You have to agree when it should be done by. This one alone is going to save you so much nagging, so much questioning, so much wondering if somebody forgot about the job. you have to write down what needs to be done. So if it’s like unload the dishwasher or wash the hand wash dishes, that needs to be written down.

And then there’s a fourth step. When are we going to follow up? Because there are going to be issues that arise through this delegation. There are going to be questions people have. There are going to be things where they’re not done the way you want them done or the way It’s good for the family to be done.

And so to prevent the whole. Like, you having to, be there all the time and you having to check on things and you having to do all these things, you need to establish a follow up time. if you put this on for Friday, you’d be like, okay, how about we follow up on at dinner on Monday night and see how it’s going for everybody. And then Monday night comes around. And you follow

Brie Tucker: And you know why that’s helpful, too, just to throw this out there, , who likes being the nag? None of us likes being the one that has to police everybody else. Like, I don’t want that role. I don’t want it. But also, who also likes being put on the spot? Like I was talking about earlier, the deer in headlights, what is it that you do around here?

Like, if I’m in the middle of doing a task or whatever, I don’t want somebody coming over and being like, so, um, I don’t like how you did XYZ. Or you didn’t fully finish ABC. Okay, Sharon, leave me alone. Like, I will work on it. but I wasn’t expecting to get, you know, critiqued in this moment. And then that can cause resentfulness and anger.

And then, especially for kids, they tend to, like, just lash out. Like, fine, I’m not going to do it then. If I can’t do it right. So, yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: talked about an issue that was happening and it was specifically with the dishes because we agreed that dishes had to be cleaned off each day.

And one child was like, well, I don’t feel like I need to do it when there’s like only four dishes there. four dishes is fine there. That’s fine. And so that was something that we were able to discuss and be like, is four dishes fine? Is that okay? But then the other child completely took it personally and was like, well, I’m just too busy to do that.

And I’m like, Oh, okay. And when that happened, I was like, we’re going to take a pause right there. But we also need to discuss how the process of this conversation worked, because I feel like I came to you with a concern and you dismissed me right away and got mad at me. So we need to talk about this.

Brie Tucker: See, and you had a good, you had a good place to have that conversation because it didn’t just happen on the willy nilly. One other thing we wanted to talk about is that it doesn’t have to always be done in your family.

JoAnn Crohn: isn’t talked about a lot because we feel shameful for using our quote unquote hard earned money for something that we could save money on.

And I think that we have just gone too far in that direction of saving money where. Saving money means putting it on our shoulder so that we’re the unpaid labor instead of using the money so that someone else could do it for us. You could do it faster and better.

Brie Tucker: 100%. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, because we’re being the unpaid labor then.

Like, it’s putting it on us instead of having someone, like, who has a system and a lot of things batched all together can do for us instead, like DoorDash.

Brie Tucker: Uh huh. So I was just saying, before we were recording, like, when I was single and it was just me with the kids there were big shifts in my life when I became a single parent because I, I had a half, I only worked like part time when I had my kids. So I only had like part of what I had to do.

All of a sudden I’m working a 50, 60 hour a week job. My kids are in child care all the time. And I still have to do everything else myself. So like, I would feel bad that there were some nights we would just do drive thru on the way home. And I never, I didn’t say anything. Cause I’m like, I’m a bad mom.

We’re doing fast food so much, but I needed that to save my sanity. I needed that because they couldn’t come home at seven o’clock with my kids when they’re in like fifth and sixth grade, spend an hour cooking dinner. And had to have us all be exhausted, angry, snippy, and then have to put them to bed right after they ate because there was no time and telling yourself that we’re here to tell you it’s okay, it’s okay,

JoAnn Crohn: It is okay.

Brie Tucker: it’s okay. Matter of fact, it’s brilliant.

JoAnn Crohn: people don’t do like women don’t admit this enough how much help they have. And like, I have, I have a lot of help. I have a house cleaners. They come in every 2 weeks. And they make the house beautiful. So much more beautiful than I could ever do myself.

I love them to pieces. my husband’s gone right now. And guess what? We’re ordering in a lot. my daughter’s like, we order pizza. I’m like, yeah, sure. And he’s just like, She’s like, what I’m like. Yeah, because when I cook, the only other person who appreciates it is my husband. And why do I want to put myself through that if everyone’s just going to complain about what I cook and then go eat like a box of Ritz crackers instead of dinner.

Pizza’s better than that. So, um, yeah, pizza DoorDash, we do a lot. I have factor meals, which are really, really great and they’re shipped to me in a box and I keep them in the refrigerator and they’re delicious and I have them for lunches.

Brie Tucker: Yep. I still use hamper a lot whenever I need it. Like it just, there’s a lot. The list could go on. We could name off so many things, but we just want you to hear that those, is worth it sometimes to spend the money so that you don’t end up in a ball in the corner under a blanket crying. Like Brie may have done before

JoAnn Crohn: is worth it all the time to spend the money so that you don’t end up in a ball crying under a blanket.

Brie Tucker: you’re a mental health.

JoAnn Crohn: money well

Brie Tucker: Yes, your mental health is well worth it. And everything doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be perfect, which leads into tip number five, the mic drop moment here.

JoAnn Crohn: if you don’t do tip number five, like none of the rest of this will work because you have to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. You. You need to believe that you are worthy of the help that you are not doing anything wrong because that’s really where guilt comes from.

Guilt is this mistaken belief that what you’re doing is wrong. And when you look at it that way, you’re like, Oh, ordering out for my family. That’s quote unquote wrong. That’s why you feel the guilt because that’s what you believe inside. When your best friend would tell you, um, order that DoorDash. In fact, do you want me to send you over some Dairy Queen as well? Cause I could do that. As Brie who has sent me many blizzards.

Brie Tucker: It’s a thing like when your best friend comes to you and is struggling and is sad and is overwhelmed. Do you tell them to suck it up buttercup and move on? No. You tell them what a great person they are. You support them. You’re like, yeah, this sucks right now. Hugs, friend! Wait, you know, you got this! You got this!

So treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend. Hand on heart, this really sucks right now. Right now, in this moment, on, you know, on Thursday at 11. 41am, I am struggling. And it hurts, and it is hard. And that is okay. It is okay because I’m a good person and I can figure and I deserve some compassion,

JoAnn Crohn: you struggling right now?

Brie Tucker: you know, I’m just saying like, if I

JoAnn Crohn: Okay, okay. I just had to I just had to ask that

Brie Tucker: at this moment, last night

JoAnn Crohn: there something we can talk about no,

Brie Tucker: and you know why tech issues from the, from the depths of hell. But regardless of the tech issues, my point being is like, give yourself some grace. Acknowledge it as hard and be your own best friend.

JoAnn Crohn: And this is a really hard thing to get doing consistently. Like I would say this is something I am still working on and in my moment like last night because we were both struggling with some tech issues, I could feel it and I’ve gotten to the point where I could feel it now. I could feel my racing heart.

I could feel the head going and I’m like, how can I take care of myself and take something off my plate in this moment? And I had planned to go to the grocery store because I had to get pads. and sunscreen. And in that moment, I’m like, what can I do to take myself, what take this off of me? And I’m like, Amazon, Amazon has overnight delivery.

Brie Tucker: Yes, it does.

JoAnn Crohn: one thing I can do. And then when my daughter is like pizza, I’m like, Oh, yep. Here you go. Here’s my phone. Order it. Because that’s also something I could, I could take off my plate right then. Before I would have been like, no, it is not good for you guys to eat junk food every single night.

And I need to make sure like we. Stick to the meal plan and I cook what’s necessary and then I would have been like a mess. I would have just been a mess

Brie Tucker: There are days and times where you have the capacity for it, and days and times where you don’t. And that is

JoAnn Crohn: ok where you

Brie Tucker: It’s okay.

JoAnn Crohn: because I took those things off because I honored my own stress last night, um, I wasn’t a mess and we like just sat in front of the TV and watched dancing with the stars and it was a lovely night and eat pizza. It was great.

Brie Tucker: so we want you to, like, walk away with this and know that, , you don’t have to do it all. percent of the time, there really is another way to do it. just keep these tips in mind. Try them. They work. They really, they really, really do. And change is hard. We get it. and sometimes because it’s so hard, we give up before we even start. We’re here. Like, Joanne and I are here. Like, No Guilt Mom is here. We are here. We support you. You can do this. You certainly can.

JoAnn Crohn: And of course, we always have balance for you as well. And we have a link to the balance community in the show notes. And so many moms in there have experienced such big changes and what they expect from themselves and also like what they’re working on accomplishing right now. I mean, we have moms who started with us who are so upset all the time that their family wasn’t helping them out. They were yelling and screaming at their kids. one in particular, uh, she, she had totally stepped back from parenting because, she had a breakdown and she had taken, her husband had taken over all of the parenting and she felt like she really didn’t know how to parent anymore and didn’t know how to set structure and now she just has.

Such a stronger relationship with her kids. She just posted in balance the other day about how her kids were sitting on the bed, talking with each other, not fighting, discussing the fairness over a sharing, like a box of, of some snacks. I remember it was like some kind of snacks, but now she’s looking forward in her life and she’s setting these bigger goals about how she could expand her organizing business. And because she was able to be in balance and get that parenting piece in her life figured out, now we’re able to help her elevate her goals and to really show her kids what it means to live a full life instead of worrying about it all the time. So that is there for you as a resource.

We have a link in the show notes.

Brie Tucker: there’s so many reasons, so many links in this show notes, so many resources for you people. So many.

JoAnn Crohn: many. So remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.

Brie Tucker

COO/ Podcast Producer at No Guilt Mom
Brie Tucker has over 20 years of experience coaching parents with a background in early childhood and special needs. She holds a B.S. in Psychology from the University of Central Missouri and is certified in Positive Discipline as well as a Happiest Baby Educator.

She’s a divorced mom to two teenagers.

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