Podcast Episode 391: Your Guilt-Free Guide to Saying “No” This School Year Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn (00:00)

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the brilliant Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker (00:06)

Hello, hello, how are you?

JoAnn Crohn (00:09)

Guys, it is almost August. Is it August, It’s July 31st today!

Brie Tucker (00:13)

It’s July 31st. We never record these episodes early. No, all truth, it’s only like 10 days away from that right now. So there you go.

JoAnn Crohn (00:20)

We’re not doing this too ahead of time. But you know, school is starting very soon for most of the country. For my and Briz kids, they’ve already started July 16th, which is unbelievable it starts this early and also kind of a blessing here in Phoenix because it’s too hot to do anything outside anyway. So they might as well be in school. you know that moment when the email hits your inbox asking for volunteers, whether it be the PTA, whether it be the booster club.

whether it be just to like cut out things at home.

Brie Tucker (01:01)

room mom and they still call it room mom. I hate that. Like sometimes they’ll be a little more progressive and say room parent, but nine times out of 10, they’re talking to the mom when we come in to meet the teacher. So we still have space on our signup chart for another room.

JoAnn Crohn (01:14)

That’s your sign to go run. Run. Out the door. Find the nearest taxi. Right now.

Brie Tucker (01:20)

I think I hear my kid crying.

JoAnn Crohn (01:22)

We do emergency training for this. Like it is not for like plane crashes. Those are very, very like, they don’t happen a lot, but asking to volunteer. ⁓ that happens a lot. That’s where you really put that training to use. You really put these. So the No Get Mom podcast is for moms who feel overwhelmed, underappreciated, and stuck managing everything for their families. We just want you to know that you are not alone. We got you here. And in this podcast episode, we promise to give you doable strategies to reclaim your time.

energy and joy. And for this one, we’re going to help you set a strong boundary against volunteering for your kids’ school when you feel the pressure. Because there’s pressure.

Brie Tucker (02:02)

Yeah, we’re gonna help you say NO! NO! Get back! No volunteers! No, no,

JoAnn Crohn (02:08)

Run for the doors. Run for the doors. And Brie, you found out an interesting stat about school start times.

Brie Tucker (02:15)

Well, because like I really struggle with this whole back to school time, because like you said, where our kids go to school here in the Phoenix area, our kids have a district that does year round school. So our kids go back to school the third week of July, normally, which I feel is incredibly early. And so I was doing some research to be like, okay, well, when does the majority of people go back to school? And I found on weareteachers.com that 51 % of the country of United States goes back to school for public schools on or before August 16th.

JoAnn Crohn (02:51)

Yeah, I wonder if that’s divided like East and West, because I know that when I’m talking to a lot of people on the East Coast, it’s like the Labor Day. Yeah. And a lot of the West Coast is like mid-August.

Brie Tucker (03:01)

I don’t have it all here in my notes, but it did break it down by region. And it was saying that the Northeast tends to lean more towards the later start date of September and that a lot of the Midwest and Western states, Southwest have moved to more of a August start date. I think it might also possibly, possibly, and this is me just arm-charing this, have something to do with weather. Because for instance, like where we live,

School doesn’t get canceled. Like our extreme weather here in the desert is it’s 118, 119 degrees outside. It’s a heat advisory. They advise you not to be out for more than like 15 minutes at a time during the hottest times of the day, but they don’t cancel school for that. They just cancel recess.

JoAnn Crohn (03:50)

That’s what we have here.

Brie Tucker (03:54)

But in the colder regions, you got snow, you got ice, you got things that are dangerous, so you have to close down school because you can’t have people out on the roads. So maybe that’s why they have a different start date. Although I realize I’m going against my logic there, I think. But all right.

JoAnn Crohn (04:10)

Anywhere they have their start date, it just means your mental load is bigger than expected because you don’t have as much of a summer. You have to come right into school coordination, which we just talked about in the last episode from last week about that kind of frustration about school coordinating. So we’re going to prepare you with how to say no when you’re asked to volunteer at school, especially if it’s not your best. Yes. If you’re a person.

who you hear volunteering and you’re like, my gosh, I can’t wait to volunteer with the school. This episode isn’t for you. It’s okay. We all have our different episodes. It’s not for you. This episode is for you. If you’re like, I should volunteer, but I really don’t want to, we’re going to tell you how to say no.

Brie Tucker (04:57)

That was so me at the end of elementary school. It was so fun.

JoAnn Crohn (05:00)

Yeah.

So let’s get on with the show.

Saying no is so difficult, I feel, as not just a mom, I feel like as a woman, it’s difficult to say no because you feel like you’re letting everyone down. I feel like I’m lazy. I feel like I should be able to have the energy to do all these things. I should be able to manage my time better so I can give back. I should, I should, I should, I should, I should. I was gonna say.

Brie Tucker (05:32)

I’m hearing a lot of shoulds stop the should

JoAnn Crohn (05:36)

Yeah, well, I think that’s where a lot of our guilt comes from is all the sheds that go on in our head that which we should do and we really don’t want to.

Brie Tucker (05:44)

I feel like the shoulds are little bulletproof vests that we wear, especially as moms, because let’s just be honest, a lot of the expectations of making sure everything is done for our kids at school does tend to lean on the moms. And I’m not saying that there aren’t super progressive people that are more thoughtful about both genders and that are more thoughtful about talking to both parents. But in general, all these shoulds, they’re keeping us from getting all the things that we’re scared of.

We’re scared that people are going to judge us and say that we’re lazy or say that we’re not a good parent or we’re not a good community member for the school. Again, coming back to the whole like not a good mom, somebody thinking that I’m a bad mom because I didn’t volunteer, that would really crush me. And the desire to be helpful, those people pleasers, which women do tend to be people pleasers more than men, because we’re raised that way. Be polite, be nice, be thoughtful of everybody else. Do everything you can to help.

JoAnn Crohn (06:37)

Yeah. Put yourself last.

Brie Tucker (06:44)

Right. And then there’s also the factor of let’s throw in the whole women helping other women. Okay. When I would volunteer, which I stopped volunteering by the time my kids like reached H fifth grade. And mind you, I worked the entire time my kids were in school. I took jobs that had more flexible schedules to them so that I had the ability to like come and visit them at school when I wanted to and do things at the school that I wanted to do. But going back to the whole like women helping women. If there was a teacher, I would feel bad for not helping another woman that was trying to do things. And so just all of that, it feels like the shoulds are my only defense against all these bad things possibly happening.

JoAnn Crohn (07:31)

You’re trying to prevent things from happening to you and you being blamed by putting shoulds on you.

Brie Tucker (07:36)

Yeah, yeah, who else does that? Do you do that?

JoAnn Crohn (07:40)

I do not do that. Okay. I don’t have that with volunteering, but I feel like with school in particular, I just have a different viewpoint because I was a teacher, but I was a teacher at a Title I school where I was left to do most of the things by myself. We didn’t have parents come into the classroom because most of the families weren’t available. They were working like two or three jobs and that was okay. They still supported us. They still wanted their kids to do a good job.

They wanted their kids to be supported and they supported us as teachers, but there was no actual like help coming into the classroom. And in some ways it was easier that way because when you have other people come and help you out, sometimes those people have their own agenda and you have to manage that agenda in addition to trying to get your own goals seen as well. mean, case in point, sometimes volunteering at school, my kid’s school,

was really frustrating for me because of some other moms who were there. You might remember this instance, Bre, when I volunteered on the PTA to do the restaurant nights and I was coordinating those and I asked just one person, hey, who volunteered to help me by the way, hey, could you just make sure these are copied? Like I’ll be in right away. And while copying them, she pointed out.

everything I could reword in my advertisement for that situation. She took it on herself to redo the entire flyer and copy those. So I just felt I had nothing to give to this place because I was trying to like manage her helping me, but also be like, hey, I did all this work. I put this in and nothing. Sometimes as a teacher, I remember talking with my friends who were teachers at higher income districts.

huh. And they said it was really hard to manage the volunteers and the parents.

Brie Tucker (09:35)

Really? Because they were, they were pushy.

JoAnn Crohn (09:38)

They’re pushy, they were trying to do things their own way, trying to make things better, but as a result of making it better, it was actually more work.

Brie Tucker (09:47)

If there’s one thing I have learned in my life, it’s that, people don’t necessarily need you coming in and telling them how to do their job better. Yeah. Right? I get it. It’s from a place of love. It’s not from a place of anger and judgment and, ⁓ you’re just not doing it well. But yeah, when someone’s put a lot of energy and effort into something, yeah, that can be hard. That really can be. Let’s just go back to the whole volunteering. You never know if you’re going to get a good partner or an upgrade partner.

JoAnn Crohn (10:18)

Yeah. And I have to say, like, I’ve learned a lot and I still struggle with that. I’m trying really, really hard trying, but unless someone asks for feedback, you have to keep your mouth shut. I’m trying so hard and I don’t always succeed. I aim this to you, Bri. I do not always succeed on that one because my opinions come out as much as I try to suppress them.

Brie Tucker (10:43)

You’re like me with me trying to not say, told you so. I told you that was gonna happen. Did I not say that was gonna happen? Like that’s my thing that bubbles out of me that I try not to say, but unfortunately comes out a little bit too much.

JoAnn Crohn (10:59)

So all this to say to wrap it around is that volunteering isn’t always the best for even the person you’re volunteering for. It’s not this rosy thing that you can just do and automatically feel better about yourself. There’s a lot of complications involved with actually going through the act of volunteering. So just keep that in mind when you feel like you should, maybe you shouldn’t, maybe they have enough if they’re not right.

Brie Tucker (11:26)

That’s the other one. I think sometimes it’s worth noting that if it is going to be a real headache for you to do it, to be able to get to the school at the time that they’re asking for it to get the commitment that they’re looking for and to actually be an active member who’s volunteering and not just a body. I don’t know if I would really want that, right? Yeah. I can just tell you as somebody that was like, if I was running a group that I needed volunteers for, which I have before,

I’d rather have three people that are gung ho and really into doing it than 10 people that five of them or six of them just don’t want to be there. Yeah. And it’s not because of you doing anything negative. It’s because it just like, can feel that energy, right? When someone doesn’t want to be there and that I’m asking too much of them. So then like you’re trying to figure out where it’s at and like, it just, I don’t know. I just, feel like.

Nobody really remembers who was the room mom.

JoAnn Crohn (12:28)

No one remembers it. No. Is there been something that you’ve signed up for out of obligation and you’ve crashed out soon after?

Brie Tucker (12:35)

Yeah, art masterpiece. yeah. You and I met like it’s so funny story for everybody. That’s how JoAnn and I met. We did art masterpiece because our school district that our kids went to their elementary district did not have art. It was a cut that they had to make before our kids even started school. So they have an art masterpiece program where parents volunteer and come in and they actually have an art teacher who created the curriculum. come in and we teach the art lesson in class. And I did it for like four.

years probably and every year I had different people that were doing it with me because it’s been in what class my kids were in. All I’m going to say is that not every volunteer is built the same. I had volunteers that were awesome. We were totally in sync, totally able to do this together. And then I had ones that never showed up and canceled the day up every time and left me in a classroom of 30 kids by myself to teach an art lesson. And by the way, I am not a teacher. That’s not my background.

I like kids, but classroom teaching, not my strong suit. So yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (13:38)

Meanwhile, JoAnn comes in and is like “let me orchestrate my minions”

Brie Tucker (13:44)

Right? I always loved it when I had a strong volunteer because I can feed off of that energy and I can build from it. But when it’s just me trying to build the whole thing and that wasn’t my expectation, it’s hard. It’s really hard.

JoAnn Crohn (13:57)

Yeah. I’m thinking of actually crashing out of an obligation I have signed up for right now. know what it is. You absolutely know what it is. And it’s one of those things where I feel like I should be doing it, but it’s just, I’m not meshing with everybody involved in it. I feel like the other women I’m doing it with, and this is for the sake of like helping another woman out and women and children, they’re just not at the same stage of life that I am. I know the stage of life they’re at. They have young kids.

Brie Tucker (14:03)

I know what that is

JoAnn Crohn (14:27)

I get it. get it. But they don’t get me. And it feels like selfish to say that. And I think that’s something that we always have to think about when we’re volunteering. Yes, we are giving back. Should it be a selfless thing? In some extent, yes. But also, when you’re devoting that much time to something and that much time that’s actually being taken away from other things. Like, there’s a meeting tomorrow night that’s a really long meeting that’s six to like 9pm and I’m like, I’m going be taken away from my kids who is their first day of school. I want to know what happened with them. I want to relax. I’ve been like completely beat because work we’ve been like bam, bam, bam, bam. We’ve been doing a lot of cool stuff, but it’s been a bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah. And when I’m not even feeling seen in it, I know it sounds very selfish, but I don’t want to go. I just don’t want to go. So it’s one of those things where I’ve been in it for such a long time and I feel like I’ll be letting other people down, but I also know like they have this.

Brie Tucker (15:34)

And they probably do. And you know what? You have just given us a perfect, perfect lead in after the break to talk about how to reframe saying no in a way where you’re honoring the fact that you are real. Say it together, people. I am worth it. Yes. I am worth saying no.

JoAnn Crohn (15:54)

I am still a good person if I say no. This is something that we talk about in our balance membership all the time. So many women have started saying no more. I mean, I could think of the members right now off my hand who have been like, you know what? I didn’t do that and everything worked out great. So if you are in that situation now where maybe you’re like me and you’re like, my gosh, I want to say no. And I feel like I’m a bad person. and join us in our balance membership. Balanceformoms.com.

We have the link right there in the show notes and we can’t wait to see you there. And right after this break, we’re going to reframe saying no to self care.

Brie Tucker (16:36)

So you were saying before the break, JoAnn, about how you have a volunteer commitment that you’re in right now. And you’re struggling because it’s kind of like what I had mentioned before. Like not everything is created equal. And in the situation, you feel like you’re at your capacity right now for what you have available. And because of that, you want to say, hey, guys, I need to bow out. I can’t continue with this anymore. But you feel bad about doing that. I do.

JoAnn Crohn (17:04)

And I feel bad about doing it. feel like I’m like selfish for doing it. Even though, and I mean, I bet probably a lot of other people are in the situation too. I also have another volunteer commitment that’s starting up. Mountain bike season is starting. yeah. And I am a coach. So I will be out on the mountain Mondays and Wednesdays riding with middle schoolers and some high schoolers.

Brie Tucker (17:29)

Not to any bones. Gotcha.

JoAnn Crohn (17:31)

Trying to keep up with them. That’s actually what I’m a little scared about. I’m just afraid I don’t have the physical capacity. I’m sure I actually do. do. I’m just a little nervous about it. But so I do have that and then, you know, work and my own physical health and taking care of my own. Because I don’t want to let myself suffer if I take on more things.

Brie Tucker (17:52)

Well, and also as again, goes to children future. can tell you right now going into your senior year, especially with a child that is way more active than mine who just graduated. Yeah. You’re going to have a lot of stuff there. Then you also have your youngest is starting junior high at a new school, new expectations. It’s a lot of things to manage, not just for you, but also to give your kids the space to be able to figure all that stuff out.

JoAnn Crohn (18:22)

Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s hard to say no. It’s hard to… When you think of saying no, I know a question that we get asked a lot in coaching is like, okay, well, I have all these things going on, but how do I determine my priorities? Because they all seem equally important.

Brie Tucker (18:40)

hey! ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (18:42)

So like, one of the ways I tell people to determine priorities is ask like, what do you want to do? And that’s the hardest question to answer because right away, the volunteer thing I’m doing, I know I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to go to the meeting.

Brie Tucker (18:57)

Doing it as your way to like pay back, pay it forward to the group.

JoAnn Crohn (19:03)

I think though I don’t even see my impact in it anymore. It’s not bringing me any joy and I’m not seeing right.

Brie Tucker (19:10)

I’m just saying like when you originally signed up, did you feel like you were giving the gift of like yourself to the group? Like I feel like that most of the time. I’ll be honest, when I volunteer, I feel like I’m giving them a gift of me. I don’t have the financial, but I can be there myself.

JoAnn Crohn (19:28)

I didn’t so much to think of it that way. I thought of it as a way to meet women who have the same values and ideals as I do, who aren’t necessarily connected with my kids. So a lot of my friends are connected with my kids, which is great. I just wanted another way to give back to the community and do something with skills that I’ve honed, such as here on the podcast. mean, us coming on with a mic in front of our faces and speaking spontaneously and yet being clear and coherent, that is something that scares a lot of people and that a lot of people don’t want to do ever. Skill! And I thought like I could give back with that skill and I just haven’t found a way to give back with it. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (20:07)

my gosh, yes.

And that’s totally fine. It brings up this thought to me about our time. And we have an episode that we did with Eve Rodsky. And I can’t remember if it was, cause we had two episodes with Eve Rodsky. I can’t remember if it was the first or the second one, but she talks about how women don’t, we don’t value our time. And we’re not saying that men don’t value their time because I do think there are plenty of times where everybody in their life has not valued their time.

JoAnn Crohn (20:32)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (20:43)

But I do think that for women, a lot of times we just take on that expectation that we will do all the things that are related to our family and our kids because we’re the mom and that’s what moms do. But really we need to be thoughtful about the fact that like our time is valuable and that just because you are a stay at home mom, a work at home mom,

a mom who has a part-time job, that doesn’t mean that because you have time that you are not clocking in or clocking out of a job, that that means you need to be giving that time to the PTA or to the boosters or to art masterpieces.

JoAnn Crohn (21:26)

Or even a mom who has a full-time job. I know what happens a lot in that situation is that you feel guilty that you’re not giving any time to your family or kids. And so you overextend yourself to kind of pay back the time that you’re not spending with your kids. And you’re putting in extra time to do that. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (21:42)

Yeah. Because again, like we have this like thought process of what we’re being told, not explicitly. I’ve never once had anybody say to me, Brie, I’m so glad you’re here since you’re the mom of …. I would love for you to just volunteer and do X, Y, Z or Hey Brie, I know that since you only work at the community resource center, that’s only five minutes away. I thought maybe you could come in once a week and help with X, I’ve never had anybody say that.

Brie Tucker (22:12)

Those non vocalized expectations of moms to do things is so real and so strong. And all that we’re just trying to tell you is that you are not required to do. You’re not, and nobody’s going to remember. They will in the moment. Well, in that moment, but I can guarantee you, I walk into a room and I can’t remember why I went to that room. Yeah. Nobody’s going to remember a month later that you

Brie Tucker (22:41)

did not sign up to volunteer. It’s going to be whoo.

JoAnn Crohn (22:44)

⁓

If you are volunteering right now and you need to get out of it, yes, they are going to remember when you say, I’m sorry, I cannot do this anymore. And with my particular obligation, I think this whole conversation has made me realize that I need to back out and to do it the right way, as in not just ghost everyone, but rather to be like, hey, I am dealing with a lot right now.

Brie Tucker (23:10)

I will say that whole ghosting thing is one thing that I love and hate about our generation. Because I do think it’s our generation that started the ghosting because we were the ones that had the text messages first.

JoAnn Crohn (23:21)

You broke up with me on a post-it?

Brie Tucker (23:25)

I just saw that episode the other day of Sex and the City.

JoAnn Crohn (23:28)

Sex in the city. Burger. Burger. Yes!

Brie Tucker (23:32)

I guess what I’m like just trying to get at is that like, yes, I would love nothing more than to be able to ghost my, I want a Homer Simpson my way out of everything. That meme where he like just like backs up slowly into the bushes. That’s what I would love to do with every awkward situation of my life. Can’t, but I do think it’s important because nobody expects you to do everything. And sometimes all you have to do is just articulate to other people the stuff you do have on your plate that you need to deal with.

That’s what’s making you decide to take a step back. again, as people that have volunteered, JoAnn and I can tell you, when you’ve got too much going on, we would much rather have you be you than to guilt you into volunteering with us.

JoAnn Crohn (24:17)

Yeah. And also some people you don’t owe an explanation to. That is a lesson that I am really, really trying hard to learn because not everyone needs an explanation because I mean, they’re like your personal friends and you want to continue a friendly, a friendship relationship with them. Yeah. Yeah. You probably need an explanation that if they’re just acquaintances who you only see once in a while, you don’t need one. You don’t, it’s more exhausting for you. It’s more exhausting for them.

Brie Tucker (24:25)

because not everybody needs it.

JoAnn Crohn (24:47)

you don’t need one and yeah, yeah, start simple. So right after this break, actually, we’re going to give you three scripts to say no. So that’s coming up right after this. So saying no is actually the hard part. How do you structure it? How to say it coherently without going off on a huge tangent and apologizing your way through the whole thing? Because we’ve all been there. We’ve been like, oh, God, I’m so sorry that I can’t do this for you. And meanwhile, the other person’s like, OK, cool.

Brie Tucker (24:49)

Start some.

And am I not the queen of like continuously explaining something until I get that, I get something back from the other person I’m talking to that shows me that they are good and done. I can’t even tell you how many conversations I’ve been stuck in that should have been like a 30 second conversation and it turned into 30 minutes because someone’s trying to be empathetic and listening to me and I just keep going and going and going because I don’t know that they’ve gotten it yet and that they’re good and that they don’t need more reasons from them. It’s like riding on a

bike and not going anywhere. It’s very frustrating. Yes. Okay. So, so people, we have three scripts for you guys today. Three.

JoAnn Crohn (25:49)

It’s ready in minute.

Before you get into them though, can I tell you what it’s like on the other side of that? ⁓ yes, do. It’s not just you, by the way, who does it? But for me, I have it in me, I don’t want to interrupt. So if someone keeps talking and talking, I’m listening, I am listening, I am listening, and there will be nothing from me until it’s gone on way too long. And I’m like, okay, we gotta like stop, because I don’t want to interrupt.

Brie Tucker (26:22)

Right? And I have that whole, interrupt people all the time. And then I apologize because I know I shouldn’t and I don’t mean to. It’s that overwhelming urge that I have to say it or else I’m going to explode. ⁓

JoAnn Crohn (26:32)

So let’s teach how to do it concisely, how to do it concisely with structure. Get your point across without having to have too much words associated with it. So the first one, Brie, how do we do the first one?

Brie Tucker (26:44)

Okay, so the first one, we’re calling it the empathy plus yes-no script. Okay. So on this one, JoAnn, ask me to share something for the PTA.

JoAnn Crohn (26:56)

Brie, can you coordinate all of our restaurant fundraisers this year?

Brie Tucker (27:01)

⁓

my gosh, that sounds great. And I am so touched that you asked me. I can’t commit to that right now, but I would love to help with making copies or something else later, or maybe help out in second semester when my schedule’s a little bit clearer.

JoAnn Crohn (27:19)

And I would like to add, I would like to add with this empathy plus yes, no script, only use it if you’re willing to do something else. Like if something else excites you, this is not an obligation. Do not get you into something that you don’t want to do.

Brie Tucker (27:37)

Technically you could have ended it after, I can’t commit right now. You have a good day though. Good luck with the fundraiser.

JoAnn Crohn (27:42)

You’re good. You’re good. Yeah. have this conversation with our kids a lot where they want to say no to something and they’re like, or they have a reason that they don’t want to do something, but they don’t want to share that reason with the other person. Yeah. And it could get them trapped later on. So for instance, like my daughter didn’t want one English teacher. She wanted this other English teacher. And she was trying to think of, what’s a good excuse that I really want this other English teacher? I could say, I just don’t get along well with this one.

And we’re like, hold on. If you don’t say your real reason for not doing something, you might get put in a situation where you don’t want to do that either.

Brie Tucker (28:22)

Yeah, well, I could imagine them being like, OK, well, I understand you don’t get along well with this teacher, but what a great experience to go get along with teachers that you’re not going to like when you go off to college or whatever, rather than saying.

JoAnn Crohn (28:33)

Like there’s a third English teacher. What if they put you with the third one and not the one you wanted?

Brie Tucker (28:39)

And how are you gonna get out of that one? I don’t like that one either. We got beef. got beef.

JoAnn Crohn (28:43)

You have to be honest with your intentions. So only use this plus yes, no script if you really want to do that thing. Because you might be doing that thing and then you’re like, well, what did I do this?

Brie Tucker (28:53)

With that being said, would you like to introduce our second script here that you can use?

JoAnn Crohn (28:59)

The direct boundary script. Okay, ask me to do something.

Brie Tucker (29:03)

All right, hey, JoAnn, I’m so glad you are here. I noticed that we didn’t have you volunteering at the carnival last year, and I was really, really hoping you would sign up for the cleanup at the end of the carnival. It goes from like 9 p.m. to like 1 a.m.

JoAnn Crohn (29:17)

Hell no.

Brie Tucker (29:19)

That is a very direct-

JoAnn Crohn (29:22)

That’s not the script. Here we go. I’m coming in again.

Brie Tucker (29:27)

I tried so hard not to laugh people because that was a conversation that did happen to me one time.

JoAnn Crohn (29:33)

Okay, so the direct boundary script, being respectful to the other person. Oh, thank you for asking. This year though, I am keeping my schedule really light. I hope you understand. And they’re like, no, but it’s only a few hours. That’s when you’re like, boundary pusher, boundary pusher, back way.

Brie Tucker (29:52)

Is that my, that’s my husband, I’m going to leave. That’s not very. ⁓ that’s the non-direct way to get out of the situation.

That’s when I’m like, bless your heart. hope you have a nice day.

Brie Tucker (30:02)

Bless your heart!

JoAnn Crohn (30:05)

Bless your heart. Yes.

Brie Tucker (30:08)

Oh my goodness. Okay, so I like that one because it is short, it is sweet, you are polite. And what is someone going to come back to say to that?

JoAnn Crohn (30:17)

Yeah, they’re just pushing your boundary. That’s all. That’s all they could save for that.

Brie Tucker (30:21)

Well, I  mean, honestly, like even if they come back and they go like, well, I don’t really understand because every parent is supposed to give 15 hours of volunteer work.

JoAnn Crohn (30:29)

And that’s a whole other issue. If you agreed to that, I am sorry. need to… Why did you agree to that?

Brie Tucker (30:38)

The elementary school our kids went to, that was an expectation that they had. And we asked for involvement from parents. We asked that you do like 15 hours a semester or something like that. 15, I’m pulling out of my hat. I have no idea. But I mean, you just keep saying the same boundary back. I understand and I appreciate it so much, but my calendar is not available. ⁓ And if you need to, you turn around and you walk away.

Brie Tucker (31:05)

So it’s okay. We promise you most adults are adults and we’ll respect that.

JoAnn Crohn (31:12)

Okay, the conditional yes script. ⁓ Hey, Brie, would you bring snacks for the next eight practices?

Brie Tucker (31:21)

⁓ well, I could do the snacks, but only if we, you know, continue to rotate it. It’s a lot. So how about I do like the next two and then we rotate to a different pair.

JoAnn Crohn (31:33)

See, that’s perfect. If you’re willing to do a little bit of it, but not everything, there you go.

Brie Tucker (31:38)

Conditional, yes. Like, you know, back to the carnival one. I’d be willing to work the carnival, but I just absolutely am a bear at night and cannot do the take down. So I’m happy to come early to school and help set up. Yeah. Between two and five. That sounds great.

JoAnn Crohn (31:52)

Great.

I’m happy to take on this copy job, but I think it’s a little too much for one person. So I need at least two other parents helping me. It’s another question. Yes!

Brie Tucker (32:00)

So that is some really, really great scripts that you can put in your back pocket. I promise you, you’ll get to use one before the week is over. Before the first week of school is done, you will get to use one of these scripts. And it is okay.

JoAnn Crohn (32:16)

It is. If you feel pressured to volunteer at your kid’s school and you don’t want to, you don’t have to. Yeah. You need to respect your space, respect your time. Your time is important and you don’t have infinite amounts of time or energy either. I think that it’s the fastest way that we can get burned out if we think that of ourselves and we expect that of ourselves. And then of course we’re going to let ourselves down because we don’t have infinite amounts of energy and time.

Brie Tucker (32:43)

I feel like if you’re hearing all of this and you’re like, get it. love it. I love it, JoAnn. I love it, Brie. I want to do it. I want to start saying no, but I just don’t think I can. Come and join us in balance.

JoAnn Crohn (32:57)

come and join us in balance. work on those boundaries all the time and they’re not just boundaries. A lot of them are actually bigger issues than just saying no. It’s about relationships. It’s about having conversations with people so that they know what you’re up to. It’s about clarifying what you want. Really clarifying because sometimes when we’re in that guilt, we don’t know what we want because we how these shoulds are clouding our brain and it makes it impossible to figure out what do I actually want in this situation. That is something that we help you with in Bound.

Brie Tucker (33:32)

Right. And when you’re really emotionally charged in a conversation, it is hard to be able to clearly articulate what your thoughts are, as well as being able to hear what the other person’s side is. So that’s another piece of it that we work on with you. Like, it’s not only like shifting that mindset of that you are worthy and allowed to say no, but it’s also shipping the mindset of, and I can have that conversation in a way that’s not going to break my relationship with this person.

JoAnn Crohn (34:02)

Because a lot of it is also what we think the other person’s thinking. my God. we think the other person hates us or if we the other person is thinking we’re doing a crappy job, our reaction to that is going to be so much different than if we know the other person is just having a hard day, has a lot of stuff on their plate and is just trying to show up the best they can. Yeah, it changes the whole interaction. And that’s something we teach you how to do in balance. So come join us there www.balanceformoms.com forward slash go and you could start right away. And you know what, when you start, you get a call immediately with me. I’m the one who I’m like, tell me about you. Tell me about your challenges. I just did one this morning. Shout out to Marielle who I met and our conversation was just like, Hey, like tell me what’s going on with you. Like, what do you do? How old are your kids? What kind of things are you finding hard right now? What are you wanting to do with your life?

And I just listened to you and I’m like, okay, so here’s what we’re gonna do. And I’ll set out this plan and you leave with a goal. Like Murielle’s goal is right now for phase one. And she really wants to make sure she like implements stuff too. And I’m like, that’s perfect. Cause we have the sticker chart. And actually by finishing phase one, you implement seven things right there. So you start using it in your life just by going through the balance curriculum. And it’s such an amazing, amazing thing. So come join us there. I really want to see you there. I really want to meet you.

Brie Tucker (35:27)

It’s so important to know that you are not the only one struggling with this. Other people are. There are tools to help you. And sometimes those tools do take a mind shift, a mindset shift, which is not as easy as just saying something. if you really are looking for your people, we know where they are.

JoAnn Crohn (35:48)

We know where they are. So this school year, when you started out, remember you don’t have to volunteer for everything. We gave you some ways to say no, even if you feel like you’re expected to do it. Your no is going to help set you free and give you more free time this year. So with that, remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker (36:13)

Thanks for stopping by.