We Really Need to Talk About Bob Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn. And I am so excited to dig into this topic today because you know, here at no guilt mom, we want to help you go from feeling like you’re the martyr in your house, giving up everything for the sake of your children. For the sake of your partner. To the model 

[00:00:22] Where instead of giving up everything you are showing your kids, what a fulfilled life looks like. Without doing everything for them. And to really embrace that, we need to talk about Bob. We need to talk about Bob.

[00:00:39] If you are a frequent listener of the no guilt mom podcast, you have heard us reference our Bob before, but I thought I would devote this episode to really explaining it and seeing if you can find the Bob in your life. 

[00:00:53] this inner voice you have that tells you not to do things. It’s that inner voice telling you, when you’re about to do something big, you’re about to tackle a huge project, or maybe you are going to go ask for a promotion at work, or perhaps you want to try guitar lessons, but you’re afraid that you’re going to suck at guitar. 

[00:01:15] And that inner voice is telling you don’t do it. Don’t do it this. Isn’t going to be good for you. You’re going to fall flat on your face. You’re going to be really embarrassed. And then where will you be? Like, don’t do it. That thing that just pulls you out of the moment. 

[00:01:33] First of all that inner voice. That’s not you, that’s not you at all. And the reason it’s not you is because you can notice it. You notice that something is pulling you back. And you probably see this a lot in your kids too. Right? When you see an activity that your kids are interested in, be it like a new sport, like basketball, or maybe it’s something like dance or theater, something that your kid has never done before, but you think they’ll like, it. 

[00:02:07] And they tell you. No, it’s too embarrassing. No, I CA I can’t do that. I’m going to look like a fool. I hear this a lot from my kids too. And it’s that inner voice, that inner voice that’s telling them. Don’t do this. Stay safe. 

[00:02:24] sometimes you call this inner voice by a name. And I find it’s very, very helpful to call it by a name I used to call mine, Julia or Karen. This is actually advice from Dr. Carol Dweck’s book mindset, where you call that inner voice, the one that’s holding you back another name. So you realize that it’s something that is under your control versus your thoughts going haywire, but. I’ve never really stuck with Julia or Karen. 

[00:02:51] So I call mine Bob, because I’m definitely not a Bob. Like I can’t identify with Bob in the slightest. So. Referring it as Bob, I realized that it is definitely outside of myself And Bob is there to keep you safe and out of danger. 

[00:03:09] he actually has a pretty useful role. He just doesn’t do it in a very productive way. Bob is afraid of new things. Is this clicking for you right now? if you have experienced any fear of putting yourself out there, if you consider yourself shy or think that your, your kids are shy, this is Bob. 

[00:03:31] He wants to keep you. Safe. But here’s the thing. You can’t grow when Bob runs the show, because Bob is going to prevent you from trying those new things that are going to have you meet new people and have you find new skills. 

[00:03:47] we really need to get Bob under wraps else. He’s going to control our whole life. Like I think that in high school, I let my Bob control my life a lot. I didn’t even go to my first dance, a school dance until I was senior year in high school. Because every time I even thought of it, the first thing that would come into my mind is, oh, people are going to laugh at me. 

[00:04:10] They’re going to be so concerned about what I’m wearing. I don’t know the right things to where they’re going to. Be off in the other little groups and I’m just going to look like the fool over here. 

[00:04:20] Bob ran my entire life as a child and he even ran my life when I was in my first job in the entertainment industry. When I was in production and I did this y’all so when you’re an assistant in entertainment, one of your jobs is to network. you need to know everybody at all the studios, you need to know everybody at all the agencies. And so one of the ways you network is you schedule drinks with like all these other assistants. what I would routinely do is I would schedule drinks with someone and then my Bob would come in and tell me like, oh, you’re too sweaty today. Like, this was a real thing. You’re too sweaty today. or you. You’re going to have nothing to say, like, look at you right now. You’re going to make a fool out of yourself. And I would talk myself out of drinks. So I would always be the one who at lunchtime is emailing. This other assistant is like, I really don’t feel well or something came up at work and I can’t tonight. I’m so sorry. Can we reschedule?

[00:05:23] It was a pattern to say the least. I had no idea what was going on then, but now I fully realize that my Bob was running the show. So if you have something like that in your life, let’s talk a little bit about how you can control your Bob. 

[00:05:39] There are three ways that you can work on your ready for them. Okay, here they are. 

[00:05:44] Number one, you can ignore your Bob. Now, this is sometimes easier said than done what I like to think of in terms of battling your brain and Trying to get yourself out of your comfort zone is you’re really struggling with a benchwarmer versus a star quarterback.

[00:06:05] you’re Bob is a star quarterback right now. He has had a lot of game play he’s been put in and tossed the ball a lot. You can tell, I don’t watch sports with that metaphor. so Bob is very strong. He has a lot of muscles and your positive voice, that voice that makes you want to try these new experiences. He’s been sitting on the bench or she let’s make her a girl. She’s been sitting on the bench and she doesn’t have the confidence yet.

[00:06:36] She doesn’t have the courage yet to stand up to Bob. And if she were to immediately confront Bob, like it wouldn’t end well, because, you know, Bob’s big muscles and Bob’s had unfair advantages. So. Uh, way we can get around. This is simply ignoring our Bob. We don’t go head on and be like, no, Bob, you’re wrong. 

[00:06:58] What we do do is we just turn away way. So if you think you hear Bob in your head telling you not to do something or telling you it’s going to be an embarrassment. You’re just like, thank you, Bob, for your feedback. And you turn and you face the other way. And you could just picture yourself doing that in your mind of ignoring what Bob has to say, because the more you ignore what Bob has to say, the stronger your bench warmer gets until she can eventually. Overpower Bob, which is really what we want. So that’s the first one you can ignore Bob.

[00:07:36] The second one is you need to protect your Bob. what I mean by protect. I mean, don’t keep Bob safe. We really don’t want Bob running the show and remember his motives are pure. He just wants to protect us. But. He’s really stopping us from doing things that will put us out of our comfort zone. So we need to protect him. And what I mean by that is that our Bob is really easily influenced. He’s influenced by things. He sees he’s influenced by things. He hears he’s influenced by anything that happened during childhood. 

[00:08:11] if you’re scrolling social media and you see these pictures of all these perfect, happy families celebrating the holidays or getting ready for Halloween or doing these cute little Halloween activities. And all you can think of is you look at these pictures and you’re like, my gosh, my kids would never go for an activity like that. 

[00:08:31] it would be a complete mess. I must be a horrible mom that I can’t get my kids to sit for that. Or here’s one that goes through my head. I am a horrible mom, because I don’t want to do that stuff with my kids. Like that looks like a lot of work. It looks like it’s really messy. And I really don’t enjoy having those crafts around, but. This craft, like, is this something I should be doing as a mom to be a good mom? Like, oh my gosh, it gets so messy in there. And if you have that thought process too, as a mom, I’m right there with you. 

[00:09:04] we need to protect Bob. If we notice that feeling, that’s a reason that Bob needs to go off social media. That’s the reason for us to put down our phones and be like, okay, Bob, you’ve had enough today. You’re making me feel horrible. Another way to protect Bob is to watch out for criticism, watch out for people saying things about you, about your work. That aren’t necessarily true. the people in the cheap seats are the ones who are complaining. And that holds true for anyone who is criticizing you right now. Like you, except the criticism of people in the game with you, people in the ring with you, people who are trying the same things you are trying and know how hard it is to get through and they offer these helpful suggestions. What I don’t want you to accept and what I want you to protect your Bob against. 

[00:09:58] And this is something really great to tell kids too. Is those people sitting off on the sidelines. Up on the top row in the bleachers. Telling you like, oh, you shouldn’t be doing that. Or you shouldn’t be talking about those things or you shouldn’t do that with your kids. It’s not good for them. And they hold no expertise whatsoever. It is just their opinion. Protect your Bob from them. Note what they are. They’re just there to criticize. Their opinion, isn’t going to help you grow. It’s just going to make you feel more down and protect your body against them. right after this break, I’m going to go into the third way that you can. Control your Bob. 

[00:10:39] So we have two ways so far to control our Bob, ignore him, just turn away when he’s doing his Bob thing. And protect him. So he’s not easily influenced and taking the power and the energy away from like all of these bad influences. And it’s just making him grow bigger and bigger and bigger. We want to stop him from doing that. 

[00:11:01] The third way is to observe your Bob. And when I say observe your Bob, you want to watch to see where Bob’s voice is coming from because. It might be someone who’s really close to you. Maybe it’s a parent. Maybe it’s a sibling. Maybe it’s a friend from high school. Especially when Bob is telling you what you should do and what you should not do. And when you start observing and you start recognizing where this talk is coming from, for example, my Bob sometimes takes the talk of sister, Mary Louise, who. was the principal at my elementary school and things sister Mary Louise would say not to do. And especially the incident where I was really excited about seeing macaroni and beef in someone’s lunch. 

[00:11:54] And being a fourth grader, I took it out of her lunch box and showed her. And I’m like, my grandma makes the same thing and she ran and she told her mom who was a teacher. And they didn’t talk to me at all. Like nothing. There was no conversation. But I was sent to detention. Uh, also called study hall, also proctored by sister, Mary Louise. And as I was sitting there, sister Mary Louise threw a bag of chips on my desk. Like I was hungry, which I wasn’t. I was just very excited that we both had the same meal, but a lot of times, sister Mary Louise pops in my head Just assuming things about myself saying that, oh, I am a greedy person or I’m taking things that aren’t mine. Assuming these horrible things without talking and getting my opinion.

[00:12:44] My Bob assumes a lot. It accuses me of a lot. So observe that Bob and pay really close attention. To who that voice might be. And then ask yourself the question. Are they right? Are they right? I could say. That experience has really shaped my profession now because I look back and I’m like, she was not right. She should have just talked to me. I would have told her exactly why. But even now, as I say that I know what would have happened in that day, I would have told them why. And they would have accused me of lying and they wouldn’t have believed me. you didn’t speak up because of that. That’s also something to unpack a little bit later, if you feel like you’ve ever been accused of lying or not telling the truth. And so you’ve been taught to distrust your own opinion or your own view of things. That’s a BOB voice to observe as well and really asking yourself. Are they right? And usually when I ask myself that question, It’s a resounding no, no, they are not right. You know, the fault was not mine. The fault was all theirs. 

[00:14:00] It’s helpful when you realize that. And it’s also helpful to ask yourself the question is this person perhaps being controlled by their own Bob? Are they being controlled by fear. And if I look at sister Mary Louise, I could say that she was probably fearful of, kids at her school. Not having good values or stealing or something along those lines. and she had no other way to discipline other than what she knew. So she was just doing the best she could. when I look through those questions, My Bob has no power over me anymore. I realize how nuanced the situation was and how she was probably around by her own Bob as well. that is how to control your Bob. Ignore him. turn away, protect him. Cause he’s easily influenced. And observe them and really question where this voice is coming from. And the next time your Bob pops up, you now have something to label him by. And this is a great concept to teach your kids as well, because it shows them how they can have more power over their thoughts and what pops up in their head isn’t necessarily what they should believe. 

[00:15:12] And they should question it. So until next time, remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. I’ll talk to you later.